posted
Hopefully, this is not as controversial as the last 13 I posted The full story is 3100 words, so if there are any takers... I am concerned that the voice is a little too highbrow, but I do think that that is in character - it is located at Oxford. Is this a big issue?
"Energy crisis," bawled Professor Matheson, "that’s what I call it, an energy crisis."
I glanced around the tavern, afraid lest anyone else was listening. An open fire dominated the central wall, giving light and warmth to fend off the gray drizzle that slinked through the oak doorway. Three oil lamps were hung above the tables, lighting several small groups in quiet conversation. I turned back to Matheson with a sense of dread - his alcohol-tainted moods required a humble student - me. Still, at least he hadn't co-opted an adjacent table into the fray.
"Surely it’s not sufficient to warrant the status of a crisis," I said, expressing just the right mix of skepticism and veneration. I braced myself for the inevitable exposition.
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The setting seemed a little strange to me. You say it's located in Oxford - in the present day? I don't know anybody who calls them taverns anymore, if I read of a tavern I automatically think fantasy or historical story. Here in England we just generally call them pubs, even in Oxford
How does a fire fend off drizzle? This confused me, maybe a fire would provide warmth against a cold, miserable day but protect someone from the rain? In that same sentence you have drizzle slinking (moving furtively or guiltily) through an oak doorway. I found it hard to imagine drizzle moving like this, and wouldn't somebody have shut the door instead of looking to the fire for protection?
I think somebody in a thread a while back said "lest" was only said by lawyers these days and I'd have to agree with them, it really stands out in a story and somehow doesn't ring true.
"I turned back to Matheson with a sense of dread - his alcohol-tainted moods required a humble student - me." - You mean drunken moods? And required a humble student - to do what? I think you mean listen to him rant, but this just seemed like an incomplete sentence to me.
You start off with the fire lighting the room and then in a later sentence you add some oil lamps to provide more light on some quiet conversations that seem irrelevant to the story which just seems like filler to me, you could have used this space to add more to the hook here.
"I said, expressing just the right mix of skepticism and veneration." - Here I imagine somebody pausing after speaking to congratulate himself on sucking up which makes the MC annoying to me.
As for a hook, there's an energy crisis and I'm not sure when the story is set, I'd probably read on a little to find out which direction the story is going to go, but I'd need to know more real soon.
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From the first 13, I get an historical time - open fire and oil lamps - along with the highbrow dialog of a pair of Oxford scholars. It makes me think the story will try to show past circumstances that could equate to a present-day crisis -- or maybe the opposite to try to trivialize the 'crisis.' I think the closest you come to a hook is the reference to the modern 'crisis' which is the sort of political issue that doesn't hook me. Is there a sci-fi or fantasy aspect to the story? Such a crisis might lead to a conflict, but it's not apparent here.
The highbrow dialog does show distinct voices. Your POV character's voice is carried into the narrative as well. I think the voice serves a purpose as you intend. There is a cost, though. The reader has to work to understand your meaning through all the big words. Skepticism, veneration, inevitable and exposition aren't bad terms. They didn't stop me, but when used together like that, they slowed my reading - they broke the flow. Your concern is whether readers will go through that much work to keep reading.
Technical:
'Still' and 'at least' struck me as overkill when used together.
If the setting is historical, was the term 'co-opted' used in that sense by that time?
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Actually, there is a very well known restaurant called Tavern on the Green in Detroit (or was), but i think an assumption is being made that the only energy crisis would have to be our 20-21st century one. Also, my experience (we have a fireplace and a wood burner) is that a good fire does dry the air out when it's wet and rainy outside, so it could indeed help keep the damp at bay. And I, myself, use the word lest in conversation, and am not a lawyer. As in "Lest we forget". As in, just wanted to jump in, lest no other voice for the opposition arose. I also sometimes use arose. Also nary and nor. Proper use can actually make the janitor stop talking to me when I'm working late, and back slowly out of my office. Only if I look over the tops of my glasses while I'm talking, though.
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
Great title. I like the voice and the atmosphere. It takes me to a nostalgic old fashioned pub, with people who are educated, perhaps pompous. In fact I've been there ... but that's another story!
As to whether it's too highbrow, that will depend on where the story's going. If it's truly in character, why not? It's a while since I visited Oxford so if you get any of the local colour wrong, here's one Englishman who won't notice! I can't see it as a problem, indeed, if you can use the local colour and atmosphere and be true to the city past, present or future, I think that would be grand.
I'll read.
Pat
[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited August 26, 2007).]
posted
You're right, Deb - I was making an assumption about when the story is set and it's clear in the first 13 that it isn't present day. I made my assumption based on what I know about Brendan rather than letting the story speak for itself. Blame my 3 girls causing chaos while I was posting
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"And I, myself, use the word lest in conversation"
One thing I learned living in America was that you guys have kept bits of the English language that we English have dropped. I thought that was something of a surprise; _we're_ supposed to be the old fashioned ones, not you guys. My favourite was 'gotten', a useful little word that's gotten itself lost on this side of the pond.
I do think there is a breed of pompous professor who uses quaint English in order to sound more edumacated that he actually is, so Brendan's highbrow voice might work. Mind, it might sound a bit odd for the student unless said student is trying to ingratiate himself with said professor.
posted
Hmm, actually, from the words "energy crisis" and "co-opted" (among other things), I was assuming that this happened in a future that couldn't support electric lights, etc., anymore. No, it's not that I assumed there were no "energy crisis" in the past, but that sounds like a very modern combination of words to me. Just letting you know my take on it. Also: If this turned out to be set in the past, learning that wouldn't jerk me out of the story. I was aware that I might be guessing the time period incorrectly.
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posted
You had me until the last line. "Surely it’s not sufficient to warrant the status of a crisis" - This does not strike me as highbrow or intelligent, just needlessly wordy. Also, the " - me" in the second-to-last sentence of the second paragraph seemed a bit awkward. Other than that, I'm interested.
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quote:well, I'm thinking it's about time Brendan popped back in and straightens us all out, eh?
Thanks for your feedback. It is an historic setting, about 1860s. "Co-opted" good call - making nouns into verbs is a more recent phenomena, so that will have to go. "Energy crisis", on the other hand, is being coined by the professor , and is the key issue of the story. This becomes clearer by about line 17, by mentioning that the lamps burn whale oil.
The science fiction element is posing the question of what would have happened if someone had discovered some more modern (1970s) science a century earlier. Given the science behind it, there is no reason why it couldn't have been discovered - although it goes under a less poetic name than crystal oil, these days (methyl-hydrates).
I'll take up the offers to read, the comments so far are very useful. I think I may have to hack some of the long words out to make it an easier read (thanks Jeff), but not too many, as I do like them being "educamated".
Any thought as to where a market exists for this? I originally wrote it for a magazine that specialised in historical science fiction, but that closed its doors before I had gotten too far.
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The full story is 3100 words, so if there are any takers... I am concerned that the voice is a little too highbrow, but I do think that that is in character - it is located at Oxford. Is this a big issue?
, and is the key issue of the story. This becomes clearer by about line 17, by mentioning that the lamps burn whale oil. 
