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I have to write this down. I know you won't believe it. You'll want proof. Well, she's visiting Andromeda right now, should be back in a year or two. But even if she were here I couldn't introduce her to you, she wouldn't allow it. She says the human race is too 'warlove' as she puts it, and she'll wait until we're more peaceable. She'll live longer than me, she's a starship. One day she'll reveal herself here on Earth, and when she does, I'd like my small part to be known, recorded, so here it is. My part was to love her. I guess there were others before and will be others in future, but today, here, now, it's me. I'm her lover. I'm the man who fell for a UFO.
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This is a whimsical SF story of 2600 words and I'd love comments on the first 13 and offers to read.
posted
Sign me up, Pat, although I must say, I'm real interested in how you manage the . . . mechanics (snicker) Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
Thanks for the encouragement, folks. Sorry, it's grown to 3500 words, hope that's ok.
And Deb, on the mechanics, yes, the mechanics was one of the challenges. Gentlemen don't tell of course, but suffice to say, all will be clear by the end of the story -- and without being indecent, to boot :-)
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I like this idea... a human falling for a sentient starship. There's lots of room for innuendo and complicated dialogue while they struggle to come to terms with their relationship, etc. Lots of room for humour too.
From looking at this section, though, it feels a little bit disorganized to me. There doesn't seem to be a logical flow of thoughts coming from your narrator. First he's talking about the incredulity of his story. Then he's talking about the girl. Then the girl is a ship. Then we're talking about her future plans. Then the narrator's possible future. Then the narrators role in all of this. It feels like you've written 11 lines (you're about two short of a full 13) tailored specifically to tell us critiquers what your story is and what the pertinent details are as quickly as possible. Like you've carefully crafted the biggest, tastiest looking hook you could, and then cast it out here looking for nibbles. I have the significant feeling that the tone you're using in these 11 lines is going to change quite drastically in lines 12 through 1,054, or however long it is.
The lure is in the water and the hook is there, but this fish here thinks he can see the seams in the body, and thinks he can make out the small screws and bits of glue that are holding on the flashiest parts of the lure. I think I would try and find my meal somewhere else. Exercising a little focus and a little bit of restraint here at the beginning might smooth this out for me, and alas, I do not have time to read the full document to confirm my assertion about the change in tone I'm expecting.
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Of course you should be careful of stepping into area quite thoroughly covered The Ship who ____ series of novels by Anne McCaffery.
But besides that well, I have a problem with the pacing of this story since its all past tense and its also not only whimsical but also feels non sequitur in its voice and its annoying.
Odessey Writing workshop has a Robert J Sawyer podcast available that deals with POV and in this, he is quite emphatic about not using the word "you" in reference to the audience.
While I can imagine several times when this particular rule can be broken, this is not one of them. Especially because you're making a philosophical statement (and a rather controversial one at that) in the narrator voice rather than in a character voice (In first person POV these are one and the same). If you could introduce the character give him a name to set him apart from you as author this will help to distance the character's viewpoints from yours as author (even if you share them).
Additionally, as to the parts of the story that feel non-sequitur, the voice feels very presumptive/assumptive. It feels very much like that annoying co-worker who thinks you are just dying to know about what he/she did on his/her vacation and wouldn't you like to see the pictures?
The only problem is, I don't know this character, have no social obligations to him and once I set this story down will never have to think about this story ever again. Thus in order for the reader to care about the love story, the reader has to have an investment in the POV character or at least in the conflict.
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Matt: I assumed the story took the form of a letter written to a friend of the main character. I could be wrong, though. If I am, the second person is unnecessary. If I'm right, perhaps the story should begin with a Dear ___ or something similar.
Posts: 26 | Registered: Aug 2007
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I very much agree with the observations and insights wolfe boy gave. This opening does provide many questions. Visiting Andromeda but back in a year or two? Makes me wonder if the ship has a navigator who is inhaling "spice". Is the UFO somehow intelligent and able to carry on some kind of relationship or is this the kind of "love" someone may have for a favored car? He is in love with this UFO and gives us some details of it - yet the "U" in UFO meand "unidentified" - and this object comes across as being very identified. He knows it well enough to love it. I think the seeming questions and contradictions will put off some readers while others may be compelled to read on because of those same questions and contradictions. It is an interesting start.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited August 27, 2007).]
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Thanks Matt for the observation about using 'you' in first person, I was not aware of it but now that you mention it I can quite see how it doesn't work. 'Twill be removed from the next draft, except later in the story where it's used in a different way and works, I think.
I wondered about McCaffrey parallels, but this ship is very different from the one who sang and I don't think there's a problem if the reader gets past the first thirteen.
Sorry about the annoying arrogant voice, I'll tone the narrator down. He's clever enough to do arrogance and get away with it, but by the time he narrates this story he's rather more mellow. not least 'cos he's in love. I'll make him more likeable in the next draft, I hope. That will also make the voice more consistent through the story which I hope will satisfy Jason's concerns.
On getting the hook into the first 13 - I thought that was the idea!! But your point is taken, Jason, I shall have to restrain myself to distinguish more carefully between what as author I want to say, and what this MC would authentically say as narrator - first person POV is harder than I thought.
Finally, yes, there are a lot of apparently disconnected thoughts in the first 13. My idea was that it's implied that the story will connect the dots. I'm delighted there are so many questions and ambiguities, there seem to be more than I imagined. I'll think about them again in the rewrite because I want questions to hook the reader into the story, not put her off.
Your offer to read is much appreciated, sakubun, it's on its way.
Thanks one and all for your observations. They'll be invaluable in the rewrite. Pat
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TalesSpinner, I like the idea and would like to read it, but the reader will expect certain questions to be answered:
Does she close her sensors when you're in the head?
Does she feel like she's giving birth every time you leave the ship?
Do you pay for the dilithium crystals when she takes you for a spin? Does she let you drive?
Did you make a ring for her in the Replicator, or did you pay for it out-of-pocket (and not with cash made in the Replicator)? Where does she put the ring?
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