posted
Toying with the idea of doing something for WOTF - would you read on? _________________
Pei-lin stood before the moon door at the address she’d been given. She had a gold chit and no locator. For the first time in her life she didn’t have to do anything or obey anyone. She didn’t have to talk with this man, Mao Tzu. Whoever he was. She rubbed the area where the locator had been. No fear that she would ruin some man’s future. No locator, no way to trigger a profile alert based on private proximity. Except she’d only ever wanted to do things the proper way. First pregnancy. Second marriage. Then sex. But here she was without a locator, without having born a child, without a husband. The world was all wrong. Who was Mao Tzu? She'd never known one could have their locator removed. What influence did he have, why her? Despite
posted
The setup sounds intriguing, but I have to admit I'm waaay too confused right now.
I think part of it is because there are some missing commas. examples:
She didn't have to talk wiht this man, Mao Tzu, whoever he was. First, pregnancy. Second, marriage. After those were out of the way, then sex.
I also think (I should know this but am being lazy about looking it up) that when you're referring to a woman having borne a child it's with an "e."
A few more nits/thoughts/suggestions - take what works, leave the rest:
She rubbed an area where the locator had been. Is it a secret? can we, the reader, know what the area is? Base of the skull, left armpit, whatever, it just seemed odd, I tried to make the mental picture but couldn't because, you see, I have no idea where the locator was cause I don't live in this world.
You say she doesn't have to talk to Mao, but then she wants to know who he is. I think this sets up a rather interesting tension, but the way it's written the tension is almost missed. "She didn't have to talk with this man, but yet she was desperate to learn how he had the influence to get her out of her Geisha-farm without a locator. She didn't even know that could be done."
It wasn't apparent that Mao had anything to do with her not having a locator. If he's the actor that caused that pesky locator to be removed, I think you should state that outright.
The "Except she'd only..." sentence didn't work. Too much in her head, I think. I suggest trying it out with repetition of MC's name, since it's not well-established yet. "Pei-lin wanted to do things the proper way. She was a proper girl, brought up well in the suburbs of Taipei." (good opportunity to throw in some kind of idea about setting, since right now all this could be happening underwater, on a spaceship, or at the top of the Eiffel Tower for all we know.
Good luck with this! I can't offer to read more right now, but maybe later in the week if you're looking for readers.
posted
I had to read this a couple of times to get the gist of it and was still left feeling a little confused. I like the look of where the story is going, it looks really interesting but I thought you're asking too much from the reader at the beginning. Perhaps if you concentrate on just one, or maybe two of these cool ideas and then slowly reel the reader in.
I also felt a little cold because I had no idea what genre the story is or where the MC is. You say she is standing in front of a moon door, but I don't know what a moon door is or what's on the other side. I prefer a little grounding before being bombarded with details, otherwise the read just seems like hard work to me and I tend to lose interest. (I can be a lazy reader)
If you need readers for the whole thing I'd be glad to help if I can
posted
I quite liked this opening. This line was a real hook.
quote: Except she’d only ever wanted to do things the proper way. First pregnancy. Second marriage. Then sex.
The short, two word sentences emphasised the importance of the point, and promises a world that is quite different to our own. (Pregnancy before sex?) Perhaps use her name here, as KayTi suggested - the word "Except" made it sound a bit like an essay.
Also, the locator suggests an oppressive government, which, whilst it can be a cliche, may present some tension later in the story.
posted
I'm interested. The opening raises so many questions I don't even want to list them.
I agree with Kay Ti on the commas: I wasn't sure if she was talking about her first pregnancy and her second marriage, or "First, pregnancy... etc"
One nitpick: "But here she was without a locator, without having born a child, without a husband. The world was all wrong." The first sentence makes it sound like *her* world is all wrong (out of jibe with society), but the second makes it sound like society is all wrong. Do you mean "her world was all wrong"?
To me, it seems clear that Mao Tzu removed her locator.
posted
Just thought I'd mention that George R. R. Martin has already used the phrase "moon door" in his Ice and Fire series. That doesn't necessarily mean you can't use it, but you might want to be aware.
Posts: 26 | Registered: Aug 2007
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I just threw that in to help establish that the folks are in China (a future China). But I'll just mention that they are in New Beijing and drop the moon door reference, since it apparently wouldn't be as commonly understood as I thought.
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