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Ms. Erin, my teacher, came into the classroom crying. I went to asked her what was wrong and she said “grownup things” so i went and played house instead. Grownups are so weird. The next day we couldn't go to school 'cause there were men dressed in funny uniforms and carrying guns. I thought it was a parade and asked mom where the floats and bands were. She didn't answer me and just looked upset. I don't know why though, I never liked school. Grownups are so weird. I was playing and my mom was watching the news and the man on the TV said the school had burned down. This made me sad 'cause I left my favorite jacket in the classroom. My mom looked upset ----------------
I don't know if this qualifies as a story or a poem...It's pretty short (~1500 words). I'm of course looking for and comments, criticisms, or readers.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 28, 2007).]
posted
it reads like a critter book set in Nazi Germany. I can't remember the name of the woman that does them - they all have really cute paws and there's always a grasshopper and a spider in each illustration.
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It's Mercer Meyer that writes the critter books. It does read a bit like them since you mentioned it. I would be interested to read to see where it's headed.
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First I wondered how old she/ he is. It seems she'd have to be very young not to grasp the causality of the men with guns and the school burning down, and at least pick up on the fear of her teacher and mother. But the voice certainly doesn't sound that young, and in fact I think it would be very hard to pull of a young person in first person POV. So then I thought maybe she's kind of psychotic, like Carrie.
My 2 cents.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited September 29, 2007).]
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That's something I was worried about...children generally pick up on things very quickly, though I know I never fully grasped what was going on...I could tell when my parents were worried, but I didn't know why so I tended not to worry about it...I'm imagining a child in Kindergarten-1st grade, so I might have to tone down the word choice a little...
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Well, it's not just that she can't make the connections between adults being afraid, of men with guns, and the school burning down, but that she's still able to make a judgment call: grown-ups are weird, this is no reason to be afraid. It seems to me by the time she's able to gauge grown-ups are acting outside the realm of expectation, she'd be able to understand the causality.
I don't have a lot of experience with kids, though, and I struggle writing in kid's POV, so I'm curious to see what other people say.
(And welcome to Hatrack! My apologies for not saying that earlier...)
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited September 29, 2007).]
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I can see why people say this reminds them of the critter books. Except this subject is way to heavy for the critter treatment.
quote:Ms. Erin, my teacher, came into the classroom crying. I went to asked her what was wrong and she said “grownup things” so i went and played house instead. Grownups are so weird.
I don't think I care about the name of the teacher, here. It also messes with the scanscion. Instead put "On Wednesday my teacher..." or whichever day you want.
quote:The next day we couldn't go to school 'cause there were men dressed in funny uniforms and carrying guns. I thought it was a parade and asked mom where the floats and bands were. She didn't answer me and just looked upset. I don't know why though, I never liked school. Grownups are so weird.
OK, if you are going for a poetry feel, make this parallel to the first, at least in the generic rhythm and number of syllables. I'd lose the bit about the parade, floats, and bands. Seems a bit sophisticated for the kid you're impling. Also, not liking school is a perversion of older children. Young kids love school.
quote:I was playing and my mom was watching the news and the man on the TV said the school had burned down. This made me sad 'cause I left my favorite jacket in the classroom. My mom looked upset
This seems destined to be even longer than the 'verse' above. I'd shorten this to something like "On Friday the man on TV said the school had burned down. Mommy told me no one was hurt, but she still cried. Grownups are so weird."
You can also go back and make the first verse 'longer' to achieve parallelism, depending on the exigencies of your story.
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I get the idea that the POV character was maybe five or six (I don't know if that's right with 1st grade, I'm English!).
I did get the feel that it was all little too matter-of-fact, too emotionless. I have kiddies (they're teenagers now) but they pick up on emotions quickly and to be honest, I can't imagine a child thinking growups are weird. I do like the last line, the kiddy being upset because she/he left her/his jacket at school. I agree with meg.stout, young kids tend to like school, its only when they have to really work they tend to hate it, unless they are bullied. Also, suggest drop the teachers name, flows much better without.
Feel free to ignore my often random thoughts! Hope this helps.
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Succinct and to the point, bumping along with one-liner observations like a Jackie Mason monologue. Nevertheless, it is cleverly written and shows potential but I wonder if the story line can maintain that kind of pace. I'm curious, so I'll be glad to look at it.
Posts: 147 | Registered: Mar 2007
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Thanks for all the C&C everyone...I believe I mailed it to everyone who wanted to have a look...
You have brought to my attention a bunch of things that when I look at it make sense...I just missed them when I wrote it. So thanks all, I'll get the revised first thirteen up in a day or two.
I let the story sit for a while and went back to it with a fresh mind...I've pulled out the poetry aspect...didn't make much sense anyway. I've also made the narrator more afraid; after I thought about it I realized even if I didn't know what was going on I'd be frightened, at least until and adult made some excuse... ----------- Ms. Erin, my teacher, came into the classroom crying. I went to ask her what was wrong and she said “grownup things” so i went and played tag instead. My friend Jesse said it was probably the “damn commies”. I told him that “damn” was a bad word. I didn't know what a commie was, but it didn't sound like a good thing either. I was going to ask Ms. Erin, but she was still crying.
The next day we couldn't go to school 'cause there were men dressed in funny uniforms and carrying guns. They looked scary but mom said it was probably just a parade. I asked where all the floats and bands were, and she didn't answer. They wouldn't let us in which made me sad 'cause today was show-and-tell. Mom said I could do show-and-tell tomorrow, which made me feel better. ------------- I think commie should be replaced...with what I don't know.
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