posted
Here they are. Currently in development (only ~2K words) of a soft fantasy story. Suggestions?
The knob pulled away from my hand and the door opened to reveal a woman that was not my wife. But I knew her. And suddenly the world collapsed. She was there next to me, supporting my bulk somewhat as we walked into the house that was my house and yet at the same time unfamiliar. She helped me onto the couch, and I laid down onto it, certain that when I opened my eyes I would see, not this woman from a regretted past, but the one who's eyes had greeted me each morning for the past seven years: those of my wife. But doubt remained. My chest thumped loudly with each beat of my heart and I swore that she would be able to hear it, to intuit its meaning, to feel its pulses through the small distance that separated us. So close. How could Marie be here?
quote: The knob pulled away from my hand and the door opened to reveal a woman that was not my wife. But I knew her. And suddenly the world collapsed.
I dislike the use of the word suddenly. It feels like you are forcing the tension in the story. What is so tense about opening a door and seeing a women who is not your wife? You haven't described anything that would lead the reader to believe this is a tense situation. The only sentence that tells the reader this is a tense situation is the over used "Suddenly..." line.
quote: She was there next to me, supporting my bulk somewhat as we walked into the house that was my house and yet at the same time unfamiliar. She helped me onto the couch, and I laid down onto it, certain that when I opened my eyes I would see, not this woman from a regretted past, but the one who's eyes had greeted me each morning for the past seven years: those of my wife. But doubt remained. My chest thumped loudly with each beat of my heart and I swore that she would be able to hear it, to intuit its meaning, to feel its pulses through the small distance that separated us. So close. How could Marie be here?
It's difficult to drop the reader into the middle of an emotional scene and expect them to feel the emotions.
The whole situation is too vague for me to believe the emotional response of the nameless main character.
quote:The knob pulled away from my hand and the door opened to reveal a woman that was not my wife.
You've told us there's a woman who is not your wife, which tells us he was expecting his wife, but we don't know who she is. It's not clear at this point if the PoV characters knows this woman or not.
quote:But I knew her. And suddenly the world collapsed.
I'm not sure what this means. It's confusing. Since this is speculative, it could even be literal.
quote:She was there next to me, supporting my bulk somewhat as we walked into the house that was my house and yet at the same time unfamiliar.
This offers more confusion. He knows it is his house, but it is unfamiliar. Why? Does he know why?
"Supporting my bulk somewhat ... " This felt weak to me. I think perhaps you could narrow that down to a single verb, which would be much stronger.
quote:She helped me onto the couch, and I laid down onto it, certain that when I opened my eyes I would see, not this woman from a regretted past, but the one who's eyes had greeted me each morning for the past seven years: those of my wife.
This tells us that this woman, whoever she is, is someone he doesn't think could possibly be here. This works for me, though possibly it also might be trimmed down to something more efficient.
quote: But doubt remained. My chest thumped loudly with each beat of my heart and I swore that she would be able to hear it, to intuit its meaning, to feel its pulses through the small distance that separated us. So close. How could Marie be here?
Marie? I assume this is the name of the woman. I don't think it helped the story to withhold her name until now. In fact, it might have been more clear to tell us her name up front. I don't see any hint that the PoV character couldn't remember her name.
I don't know who Marie is, so I can't identify with the emotion. I don't know why his chest is thumping loudly.
I get the sense that this is supposed to be something important, but I don't know these characters. Sadly, I'm not inclined to keep reading at this point. I'm a bit confused, and not interested enough to see if things are clarified quickly or not.
posted
This sounds like a dementia patient. That makes it both interesting and uncomfortable. (I wouldn't be surprised if some critters avoid this topic.) I guess such a character could be the object of a fantasy story.
I think the writing can be tightened: The knob pulled away from my hand and the door opened.... -> The door opened....
And suddenly the world collapsed. This is a heavy statement that stands out because is not supported. There is little change in the flavor of the preceding and following text; so, I suggest dropping it.
...supporting my bulk somewhat (delete somewhat) as we walked...
past (last?) seven years
My chest thumped loudly with each beat of my heart and I swore that she would be able to hear it, to intuit its meaning,
The swear seems odd and moot since it has no apparent effect on her.
How could Marie be here? This seems to be the hook, but I think it could be stronger by adding what you're holding back (I assume). For example, How could Marie be here? I killed her ten years ago (or she only existed in my fantasies or she ran off with my best friend).
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