posted
This story was originally told by me around a campfire (my absolute favorite activity in the world). It's not an authentic Native American tale, but in that style.
A long time ago, back in the old times, when all the animals got along, and all the animals could talk, Sky Spirit gave them a wonderful gift; the gift of rain. What made the rain beautiful, besides its cool, wet, life bringing abilities was the fact that Sky Spirit only gave rain when it was asked for. And for quite a while all the animals would meet and discuss when rain was needed, and they would decide and ask together, as a group. One day, two of the animals, Coyote and Weasel, decided it would be amusing to call down a rain on the festival being held by the other animals. They asked the Sky Spirit, and when asked where the others were, they replied, “They are too busy to call for rain, so they sent for us to do it instead.”
posted
[quote]A long time ago, back in the old times(1), when all the animals got along, and all the animals could talk, Sky Spirit gave them a wonderful gift; the gift of rain. What made the rain beautiful, besides its cool, wet, life bringing abilities was the fact that Sky Spirit only gave rain when it was asked for. And for quite a while all the animals would meet and discuss when rain was needed, and they would decide and ask together, as a group.
One day, two of the animals, Coyote and Weasel, decided it would be amusing to call down a rain on the festival being held by the other animals. They asked the Sky Spirit, and when asked where the others were, they replied, “They are too busy to call for rain, so they sent for us to do it instead.”[quote]
1 - The first sentence is diluted with redundant phrases, which makes it weaker to me.
It's quaint, but I look for the same things here that I do in all stories. What it lacks is character, setting, and conflict. Grants, any of these might come later on in the story, but when all of them are absent in the opening, it leaves me unhooked.
However, I do like the tone and feel. I think you've achieved what you were aiming for, in that regard.
Finally, I might suggest giving them names beyond just what they are, to add character and depth to the characters.
quote: A long time ago, back in the old times(1), when all the animals got along, and all the animals could talk, Sky Spirit gave them a wonderful gift; the gift of rain. What made the rain beautiful, besides its cool, wet, life bringing(2) abilities was the fact that Sky Spirit only gave rain when it was asked for. And for quite a while all the animals would meet and discuss when rain was needed, and they would decide and ask together, as a group. One day, two of the animals, Coyote and Weasel, decided it would be amusing to call down a rain on the festival being held by the other animals. They asked the Sky Spirit, and when asked where the others were, they replied, “They are too busy to call for rain, so they sent for us to do it instead.”
1. Consider capitalizing this for flavor - Old Times?
2. I think there might need to be a hyphen here, but I could be wrong. (Life-bringing.)
Folkloric tales usually aren't my favorite, and might be a tricky sell outside of a niche market, but considering the requirements of the genre I'd say this is a good opener with a nice campfire feel.
I would disagree with lehollis' suggestion to give Coyote and Weasel names. I think that would start to turn this yarn into something else entirely.
[This message has been edited by Marzo (edited November 01, 2007).]
Printer-friendly view of this topic
