posted
“Your not a killer,” Tyrone said to me when I asked, “’cos they ain’t human--they’re nonhums. They just look like us--didn't anyone tell you?” He chuckled as he walked away. He began to bring them down to me on a trolley--six of them an hour--already packed into wire mesh cages. Their knees were up by their shoulders and their heads twisted to one side, so they could be forced into the boxes. I'd scan the swirl-codes behind their ears, confirm they were old product--past the expiry date—then burn them. Sometimes you could hear them moan, see them rolling their eyes. I began to wonder if perhaps they could feel. “Help me,” one said, as I swung him on the chain towards the furnace. I glanced down at a single panicked eye. “Why?” I was surprised—he was the first I had ever heard speak.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited November 23, 2007).]
posted
wow this is really good im hooked to it, a really fascinating way of starting out a story. and i love the characterization of the first speaker. but you should chance 'expiry' to 'expiration', unless there's some specific reason it's spelled that way. Great Job!
Posts: 62 | Registered: Nov 2007
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quote: “You[']r[e] not a killer,” Tyrone said to me when I asked[Asked what?, “[’cos<--I agree with Mark on this.] they ain’t human--they’re nonhums. They just look like us--didn't anyone tell you?” He chuckled as he walked away. He began to bring them down to me on a trolley--six of them an hour--already packed into wire mesh cages. Their knees were up by their shoulders and their heads twisted to one side, so they could be forced into the boxes. I'd scan the swirl-codes[Nice] behind their ears[,<--Why not just use the word "to"?] confirm [they were old product--past the expiry date—<--]Those two parts are redundant, IMHO choose one. change the rest to the word: and] then burn them. Sometimes you could hear them moan, see them rolling their eyes. I began to wonder if perhaps they could feel. “Help me,” one said, as I swung him on the chain towards the furnace. I glanced down at a single panicked eye.[Nice] “Why?”[Why what? Who is asking "why?"] I was surprised—he was the first I had ever heard speak.
Nice. A little reminiscent of the Blade Runner/Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep world, but that only helped to sink the hook. I could definitely stand to read more.
Hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited November 23, 2007).]
posted
I can't believe I wrote 'your', instead of 'you're'. Doh!
REVISION:
“No, you're not a killer,” Tyrone said to me when I asked. “They ain’t human--they’re nonhums. They just look like us--didn't anyone tell you?” He chuckled as he walked away. He began to bring them down to me on a trolley--six of them an hour--already packed into wire mesh cages. Their knees were up by their shoulders and their heads twisted to one side, so they could be forced into the boxes. I'd scan the swirl-codes behind their ears, confirm they were past their expiry dates, and then burn them. Sometimes you could hear them moan, see them rolling their eyes. I began to wonder if perhaps they could feel. “Help me,” one said, as I swung him on the chain towards the furnace. I glanced down at a single panicked eye. “Why?” I asked, surprised—he was the first that I had ever heard speak.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited November 23, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited November 23, 2007).]
quote:Nice. A little reminiscent of the Blade Runner/Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep world, but that only helped to sink the hook. I could definitely stand to read more.
That has to be one of my favorite books and films, so that is a nice compliment. Thanks.
It wasn't in my mind though. Refer to post re: Compass on unconscious influences. Whoops!
posted
As I see, I pictured much more to do with a 'Planet of the Apes' type storyline. Don't take this the wrong way--that isn't high art. The imagery is undeniable to me however. Pain and suffering always makes the reader want to dig in... Onward! (: On slang and visualized pronouciation I use much the same often in my writing. Try peeking at some works by Alan Cole and Chris Bunch (specifically the Sten series) to see a great use of such devices. Yeah, and try a crack Finnegan's Wake a few times... I bet you'll kick it up a notch.
Posts: 121 | Registered: Sep 2002
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posted
wow I posted for you to change 'expiry' without realizing that it is in fact a word. I mean I've heard it used but never actually wrote it in any story, essay, poem.... ever! Haha, I had to look it up to remind me that 'the expiry of his driver's license' was something I've heard before... -_- Sorry about the ill advice, I love your style! -Jayson
Posts: 62 | Registered: Nov 2007
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In the UK all food has an 'expiry' date. I guess in the states it has an expiration date.
As a Brit, my cousins from across the pond often try to correct words or spellings to the (wrong) amercian version. Well, I smile condescendingly and ignore them--as is only right.
posted
I scanned over your passage on the way back out of the forum, and I dissagree with what the others said about your usage of 'cos'. Well, I agree with them about the spelling, but I think instead of scrapping it you should spell its more common slang version -- 'cause -- (atleast thats in the US :P) It adds to character. I think when you wrote it, you were feeling this guy's persona, and that's how it should stay. -Jayson
Posts: 62 | Registered: Nov 2007
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quote: As a Brit, my cousins from across the pond often try to correct words or spellings to the (wrong) amercian version. Well, I smile condescendingly and ignore them--as is only right.
Hmm. Really?
quote: I can't believe I wrote 'your', instead of 'you're'. Doh!
posted
"Yer no killer," Tyrone sighed when I asked, "T'aint' no human. Nonhums ain't us."
People slur because they are in a hurry to talk, don't like talking, or don't know how to talk. Tyrone is busy. Furthermore, 'Tyrone' (and forgive my assumption) gives me the impression that he is of African descent. Ebonics is a documented--and controversial--part of language. "Ya killa right," Tyrone said to me when I asked, "Zin't killin' if Z'int human? See?" He pulled the filthy hair of the nearest nonhum and whiplashed the face to the ceiling grates. He pointed a stained finger at the swirlcode behind her exposed ear and I passed my scanner till it beeped recognition, "Axe th'scan what it thinkin', huh?"
Spend a day at work or the coffee-shop seeing how people talk. Try to reporduce it. Keep an eye on context.
[This message has been edited by supraturtle (edited November 24, 2007).]
This is a classic sample of the kind of phonetic spelling that OSC warns about, and would make me drop a book. Huh? Zin't?
You have to have some skill to use phonetics and keep me in the story.. I can accept phonetic spellings if they are readable and smooth. But when I have to stop and figure them out the cost is me not picking it back up.
quote: 'Tyrone' (and forgive my assumption) gives me the impression that he is of African descent.
Oddly, the only "Tys" or "Tyrones" I know are caucasian. Ironically, the first name I think of with "Tyrone" is Tyrone Power--the actor. But, I'm strange.
posted
It's not that it wasn't well written, but this just didn't hook me. I guess I'm in the minority, but the fact that this was reminiscent of Blade Runner/Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep actually made me lose interest. I would probably read on, but it would have to turn away from the similarities of Blade Runner pretty quickly.
quote:Ebonics is a documented--and controversial--part of language. "Ya killa right," Tyrone said to me when I asked, "Zin't killin' if Z'int human? ... "Axe th'scan what it thinkin', huh?" Spend a day at work or the coffee-shop seeing how people talk. Try to reporduce it. Keep an eye on context.
I honestly coudn't understand this and had to read it several times to get it. "Axe th'scan" really lost me.
Reproducing speech in writing can be downright annoying to the reader if done improperly. I read very fast and if I have to slow down to decipher the speech (even the ridiculously long and unpronouncable names of people or locations that seems to be so prevalent in fantasy writing) then it takes away from the pleasure of reading and I'll drop the book/story if it persists. If the character must have some sort of unique speech or slang talk, then I'd prefer to read a sentence or two describing what it sounds like then read plain English words from there. I can imagine what it sounds like as I read the text.
In an American English book, you wouldn't spell British English speech as you would write it simply to indicate that it has a different sound that American (organisation vs. organization, colour vs. color, etc). You'd probably mention that the character is from the UK and leave it at that. Readers are smart and can figure it out.
A good example is the audio version of Hannibal. The reader felt compelled to try to reproduce Mason Verger's speech. I found it extremely distracting. I can't imagine having to _read_ something like that. Fortunately (as I recall) the book didn't have his speech written that way. It explained that he had no lips and couldn't pronounce certain letters/sounds and left it up to the reader to imagine what it sounded like.
My recommendation is not to write speech as it sounds, but rather tell the reader what it sounds like and write it in plain English.
[This message has been edited by KPKilburn (edited November 25, 2007).]
posted
Hi, I wasn't planning on writing phonetically, for the simple reason it takes a long time and I don't like it when I read it. I will stick the odd 'ain't' in or 'cause' ('cos) to indicate something about background or education--but that's about it.
I am slightly unsure about how this reminds people of Blade Runner. The people in the mesh boxes are people, not replicants. Think techno work--camp. Nonhum is more like untermensch--but not in a race way.
quote:I am slightly unsure about how this reminds people of Blade Runner. The people in the mesh boxes are people, not replicants.
Not really sure myself. I don't think it's what you wrote. Just my impression as I read it. Maybe the expiration date? I guess that's why I haven't yet bought into the whole First 13 concept yet. I'm trying to find the "hook", but it just wasn't there for me. That doesn't mean it isn't good and certainly isn't an indicator of the rest of the story.
I probably got off on a tangent on the spelling out of speech. Didn't mean to preach. It's just one of by bigger irritations in reading/writing.
posted
For what it's worth, I didn't assume that the creatures were robots, so I didn't get an immediate Blade Runner flash. Even so--if writers should be discouraged because something they do is similar to PKD, that narrows the possibilities to an excessive extent. So I wouldn't worry about that.
Posts: 394 | Registered: May 2006
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posted
Emulation can be good practice. Beleive me you. I bet there's good work in picking out the emulation. I don't care who we are; when we write nowadays we're emulating Shakespeare or Homer or Marcus Aurelius in some way.
Posts: 121 | Registered: Sep 2002
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posted
Anyway, since I know how this story works, I can assure it bears no resemblance to bladerunner in the long run.
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