Thanks, Tina
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I wrote a letter to Marge the day I heard a lightning strike near the Lake and Lodge had set 5000 acres or so on fire. I sent my prayers and thoughts in that letter with a 41 cent stamp, thinking of the cost and other fires carelessly set, up in smoke by God’s hand this time?

Precious lands, trees and wildlife that brought me peaceful times when I was a kid – birch trees alive in every season, glowing sentinels in the sunlight. Silver-flecked shadows glinting on the lake by moonlight out the cabin door from our front porch; the call of the loons as we took a small boat, motor optional, and the way you could hear a bird’s wings flap as they flew above you. Secret reed-filled little cubby-holes to explore like a roll-top desk where someone stuck things or

[This message has been edited by Tina Hoffman (edited December 10, 2007).]

I loved this little bit. The imagery was stunning, of course. I don't know about the hook, although I do like the questions raised by the fire.

Here are the NITs:

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(1)I wrote a letter to Marge the day I heard a lightning strike near the Lake and Lodge had set 5000 acres or so on fire. (2)I sent my prayers and thoughts in that letter with a 41 cent stamp, thinking of the cost and other fires carelessly set, up in smoke by God’s hand this time?

(3)Precious lands, trees and wildlife that brought me peaceful times when I was a kid – birch trees alive in every season, glowing sentinels in the sunlight. (4)Silver-flecked shadows glinting on the lake by moonlight out the cabin door from our front porch; the call of the loons as we took a small boat, motor optional, and the way you could hear a bird’s wings flap as they flew above you. (5)Secret reed-filled little cubby-holes to explore like a roll-top desk where someone stuck things or might have lost them; where small-mouths or even an errant pike might lurk unless it was mid-to-late summer and the fish went deep where the water was colder...
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(1) This needs some structure. I had to reread it twice carefully before I understood it. What really trips me up is the phrase "a lightning strike". I had to read that little bit several times before I realized it was correct. Better to find another way to phrase this sentence, especially as it's the first line. I don't think you'd want to trip your reader up from the get-go. :-)

(2) The first part of this thought is beautiful, relating such meaningful things to a 41 cent stamp. Lovely. After that, you lost me. Thinking of the cost of what? The stamp or the fires? "Other fires carelessly set" is clear, but that last bit is hard to relate mentally to anything specifically, for me. It's not clear what you intend. Again, my opinion is that clarification would be better. In other words, rewrite it so it makes sense. :-)

(3) Absolutely stunning. Not easy to digest, but well worth the effort to stop and really read the words.

(4) Another beautifully descriptive phrase. The phrase "out the cabin door from our front porch" caused my mind to work backwards, rather than moving forward. Clarity would alleviate this. Did you have to exit through the cabin door to get off the porch? If so, you have portrayed it accurately. Even if that is the case, another way of phrasing this might help the brain to absorb the image while still moving forward.

(5) I would reorganize this thought for clarity, thus: "Little reed-filled cubby holes, secrets to explore (like a roll-top desk where someone stuck things - or might have lost them); where small-mouths or even an errant pike might lurk...unless it was mid-to-late summer, and the fish went deep where the water was colder." Also, the use of the word "colder" here is a little jarring. "Cooler" is what my mind wants to hear at this point. Fits the imagery more cohesively, in my opinion.

Overall, lovely. I think what would help you in narrative prose is to draw for yourself a distinct line-in-the-dirt, as it were. Readers of poetry want to be lost in the beauty of the imagery, and are more than willing to follow the poet through the unstable swamp of complex and abstract thoughts, where footing is insecure, at best.

Readers of prose, however, prefer that someone throw them a rope and get them out out the quagmire. Hence, when writing poetry, allow the turns of phrases to spell the reader into thought and reflection. When writing prose, however, seek to clarify these thoughts and allow the beauty of the thoughts themselves, rather than the phrasing of the thoughts, to move the reader.

Hope this is helpful.

All the best, of course!

~Ben (bigdawgpoet)

[This message has been edited by bigdawgpoet (edited December 10, 2007).]

But what it feels like to me is the start to a very long and tedious 19th century literary novel. And my internal reading response was the same... I had to force my way through all the beautiful language. Because there isn't an action to pull me in, and make me feel investiture. It could even be flashback (though I'm not big on flashback after the first two sentences), where I see a scene of the character (name please) experiencing these things.

Because then I have a context of why it's important to that character. But without that context, it isn't that important to me, the reader. It just feels very much like the start of a Turgenev novel. And I can't say I'd have published The Brothers Karamatzov if I'd been the editor....

The event of the fire this summer in the UP of Michigan is real, as is the letter I wrote to the proprietor of the lodge where my family and I, and later, my ex and I stayed in little cabins she (Marge, not my ex) owned. Ironic, as my house fire happened in June,the fire in the UP at my old vacation place happened in July,and my family cottage on Lake Erie burned to the ground after a lightning strike hit an ancient cottonwood in August. And now, I suffer trial by fire here at the River.

Yikes!

*Eyeing the sky and avoiding standing beneath tall trees at the river's edge.... *

lol

The lodge, lake and surrounding woods has much historical significance and I would like to build that into my story, as well as the heroine (myself in my own mind, lol, we'll see where that takes the lady hahaha) actually goes up north to her former vacation place, joins the small community in fighting the fire, etc etc.... could become a romance short with the heroine falling in love with one of the really buff firefighters, or dies and becomes part of the land's legend herself, hard to tell - I have a pretty wild imagination. lol
I want it to be set in modern times though, not 19th century fodder at all - so will take to heart the comments made based on the images conveyed in my little fragment here.

Further thoughts on the idea itself?

Ben: Thanks so much for the compliments and constructive criticism on the specific lines. This is extremely helpful as I make the transition of some of my ideas and thoughts from poetic expressions to a solid short story format.

supraturtle: I'll send after I develop this a bit more fully and have something worthy of your time to even read. At this point, it's just not adequate to email, but I will definitely do so when I'm confident your time will be better spent looking at it.

lgwiz: You are completely right. Again, absolutely a WIP and more context would perhaps pique and hold your interest more. That's why I'm posting here, to learn what turns a reader/writer on or doesn't. But I also know, you can't please all the people all the time! ;-) It's so hard to convey context in such a short little blurb as can be posted here though -- my fragments obviously have to be more blatantly "sexy" and intriguing so as to appeal to "everyman." lol Thanks for your honesty though, that's what I'm looking for...

Best regards,
Tina

I would like to add a few things, based on your revelation. First, I don't know how I would define the "hook" precisely, in this tidbit. Nevertheless, being a poet myself, I can say with assurance that I am hooked. The setting alone makes me want to read on. You have done a brilliant job of setting this scene, and I want to know now what happens in this scene.

I don't know if every reader would be similarly hooked by this description. However, I think we, as writers, can claim a bit of immunity by stating an obvious truism...not every story is for every reader. And not all of my stories are written this way, so I can appeal to more than one audience. :-)

Keep writing!

The prose is nice, but the second paragraph reads a little like something from a travel brochure. What is missing here is movement - it's a static description - at the expense of moving the story forward. Put the story in motion and you've got something.

If you haven't already, you might consider reading some Bradbury or John Updike. Their prose is almost intoxicating. Both are masters (especially Updike) at narration/description while moving the story forward.

Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

I "heard" a lightning strike refers to I learned the news on TV that a lightning struck up north resulting in the wildfire.

Yup. Agreed on the need for movement, this is a WIP, just a few bits of imagery dropped as the fragment to see if even the theme was of interest. Much work to do on this one. Thanks, I have read Bradbury and Updike - I devour many writers' works but don't necessarily attempt to emulate them, simply admire their mastery and hope I might some day be half as good. :-)

So let it be written, so let it be done!
Strike that, reverse it!
lol

Yes, the line will be changed. I appreciate everyone's critiques and comments - they have already helped me immensely in the mere few days I've been around Hatrack.