posted
Hello - Just looking for feedback on the first 13. Still have a ways to go on finishing this up. As always, I welcome all criticism and comments. The title is just a place holder for now.
A steady wind had nearly erased the bare footprints that embossed a path along the sandy plains of Cain. At the end of this path, the steps became more defined, and stopped at a large acacia tree. Resting upon its crooked trunk was Azaz, content in all his vanity, that the land was nearly conquered. He glanced over at Mirah, who attempted to pick a purple flower that grew amongst the milk thistle. Her efforts were hindered by the violent thorns that obtruded from the plant’s stem. She cursed and furiously sucked on her injured finger as her eyes watered. “Stupid humans,” Azaz muttered to himself as he stood. His broad, ten-foot frame cast a shadow that would rival that of any of the other Nephilim. “Quit your whining. Let’s go.”
posted
Hm... your writing is a bit round-a-bout and indirect for my taste. Consequently, it felt like it took a while for you to get to your point. It seems like you spend several sentences describing the footprints, when as a reader, I don't care so much about them--I'd rather know more about Azaz.
A fe nitpicky things:
"bare footprints" --I'm not sure what you mean by this. How can footprints be bare? Bare of what? Or do you mean foot prints vs. shoe prints?
Also, "embossed" usually refers to something that's raised up, not indented, like footprints would be. Though I suppose a nephilim might make raised footprints, who knows.
The sentence: "Her efforts were hindered by the violent thorns that obtruded from the plant's stem" sounded a bit too writerly. Why not just tell us she pricked herself?
posted
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