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Author Topic: A Hole In The Sky (750 words)
MBLewis
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I randomly decided to write a short story Tuesday night--the first bit of fiction since middle school for me (now a senior in college).

Any sort of constructive criticism or comments are certainly welcome. I would like a few readers of the whole short story if anyone is interested.

quote:
“Happiness?” Less than two words in, Thomas was already losing interest. Difficult as it was to hold a conversation with an impassive little boy in the backseat, it didn’t help that his sister seemed to lack the capacity to understand where he would go with this. It also didn’t help that at nine, he was already a master at blocking the world out when he didn’t like what it was doing.
“Nevermind.” He spiraled on his sketch pad.
“What are you drawing?”
“I don’t know.” Technically, it was true. Thomas tended to start drawing spirals or geometrical shapes and just keep adding lines and shades until it started to remind him of something. But whenever it started to look meaningful, he


Thanks for taking the time to read this much.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 13, 2007).]


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bigdawgpoet
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Yes, please. Send along the whole thing whenever. :-)

Thanks for posting.

~Ben (bigdawgpoet)


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Igwiz
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Hey MB:

Especially for a "first since middle school" draft, I think you are going in the right direction here. I am interested, and your characterization is good. The comments below deal more with plot/structure/technique and less to do with language...

“Happiness?” Less than two words in, Thomas was already losing interest. This starts us in the middle of a conversation. I'm all for in media res, but the conversation isn't followed up or concluded in the next few sentences, so it seems out of place. Difficult as it was to hold a conversation with an impassive little boy in the backseat You seem to change POV with this dependent clause. I thought you were in Limited 3rd person, but this seems to switch to Omnip. 3rd. Otherwise, we wouldn't be able to know what the sister is perceiving..., it didn’t help that his sister seemed to lack the capacity to understand where he would go with this It took me three readings to realize that he is the younger sibling. I first assumed a parent was driving, and that both kids were talking to each other. I think I've figured out that the sister is driving? Maybe?. It also didn’t help that at nine, he was already a master at blocking the world out when he didn’t like what it was doing.
“Nevermind.” He drew spirals?spiraled on his sketch pad.
“What are you drawing?”
“I don’t know.” Technically, it was true. Thomas tended to start drawing spirals or geometrical shapes and just keep adding lines and shades until it started to remind him of something. But whenever it started to look meaningful, he the three lines of dialogue and this last paragraph provide excellent characterization in a short amount of space. Nicely done.

I'm not sure that if I was an editor, that I'd read more from here. BUT, I would like to see the rest of the story, becuase I think it has excellent potential. Please send it along if you want a full crit... Hope these comments help, Igwiz

[This message has been edited by Igwiz (edited December 14, 2007).]


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MBLewis
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Igwiz,

In my humble opinion, the story in its fullness should be read for a complete picture. I intentionally left out a few things (like the name of the sister, etc) to let the story unfold itself, and just keep the characterization purely locked onto the main character. I'd be interested if, after reading the whole bit, you think it is confusing (again, haven't written since middle school and I have the advantage of knowing the complete picture from the start). I wish I was able to post more of it! I'll email it to you and hope to hear back from you soon . Thanks for taking the time to read.

[This message has been edited by MBLewis (edited December 14, 2007).]


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halogen
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I like it, my only nit is it appears to have a few bits of passive voice:
quote:

his sister seemed to lack the capacity to understand where he would go with this

tended to start drawing spirals or geometrical shapes and just keep adding lines and shades



It took me a few takes on this. It sounded to me like he was spiraling the word nevermind on his sketch pad.

quote:

“Nevermind.” He spiraled on his sketch pad.


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MBLewis
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I actually added something of a second part to this. Albeit unrelated, it follows the same character and his view of the world.

If anyone is interested, I will send a pdf or doc of it. I would be grateful for any constructive feedback.


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