posted
It was impossible. Frank stared at the mirror in disbelief then down at the sink for what must have been the fifth time. Large clumps of hair were still falling from his head. And the face in the mirror appeared to have aged ten years. Frank broke out in a cold sweat and felt sick. He was passing out. Had to sit down. The toilet seat seemed miles away so he settled slowly to the floor. He had to rest a minute, calm down, and figure out what was wrong with him. What to do. He had awakened a few minutes before at 6 AM, as usual. As usual, he had wandered to the bathroom in the dark to avoid waking Susan. And, as usual, he had run some water to wash the sleep from his eyes. That was when he saw the hair in the sink and the noticeably older version of himself in the mirror.
Posts: 8 | Registered: Oct 2007
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posted
Forgot to include some info about the story. It's a first draft. It's not done but is outlined. It's probably "contemporary fantasy." Originally, humorous was the goal, but my mood changed when I started and I can only write funny when I feel funny. So.. now it's sort of serious.
I'd appreciate feedback in two forms: Is the hook good? And I'm also looking for a reader or two to help me get motivated to finish it.
posted
The last three sentences seem to be telling us what you already told us (for the most part) in the previous lines. Rather than go back for some explanation, why not just keep the story moving? That way you maintain interest and impact. The last three sentences could be deleted and replaced with something that will build on the tension already created by his situation.
In two sentences you write "as usual" three times. And, as usual, that's a bit too much.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited December 15, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited December 15, 2007).]
posted
I agree with nitewriter; the last few sentences are going back in time. Perhaps it would be best to start at when Frank wakes up before 6 am, then we as readers can share in the horror Frank faces when he looks into the mirror. (Instead of seeing Fred after he has seen his hair in the sink for the fifth time).
I would be interested to see where this story goes. So in that aspect, the hook works.
posted
Thanks for the feedback... will think it over. I do like the idea of keeping it moving fwd. The repetition of "as usual," was intentional... but I'm not sure what my intention was... maybe to emphasize his state of mind. But I think, in general, the story probably shouldn't get in that close there. Part of what I have no idea how to do (yet) is keep the right "zoom level"... tend to get pulled in closer and closer until I'm describing the pores on the guy's nose. But that's way too slow.
Posts: 8 | Registered: Oct 2007
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posted
I'd drop the first sentence, too. It adds nothing to "stared . . . in disbelief," and is the less effective of the two.
The second paragraph has a lot of the "he [did something]" structure (which is carried into the third paragraph, but you're cutting that, right?). I'd start it with "He" rather than his name, since you just used that. Then I'd squish a bit (and I promise only to do this in this one spot) like this:
quote:He broke out in a cold sweat and felt woozy. The toilet seat seemed miles out of reach, so he settled to the floor. What was happening?
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