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It wasn’t the first dead body Harper Davey had ever seen. He had seen too many to count. He had seen fields littered with nothing but corpses. And yet he had never seen one that turned his bowels to water, his blood to ice. Those fields of the dead had been on a distant moon where civil war raged and thousands could be killed at the touch of a button. This was Harrotin Station, Crossroads of the Worlds. This wasn’t supposed to happen here. Footsteps splashed in the shallow puddles behind him and he turned to stop her, the gasp of horror telling him he was too late. “Oh, my God…” Imogen sagged against him. “No…no…” she moaned over and over into Harper’s ear as he held her tight. “Imogen.” He pulled away so he could meet her eyes, dark in the
This is my first story for a couple of months (I thought the birth of my daughter would have minimal impact on my writing - who was I kidding???!!) And it was strange how difficult it was to get back into the habit. Anyway, if anybody wants to look at the whole thing it is 5753 words. Thanks
The writing is clear. I'd like a bit less mystery and I think this is a bit jumpy. Here's what I mean. We start with the dead body and how this isn;'t the first one he's seen. That's nice. It tells me about Harper and hints at some mystery to come. But then we leave it for a mini info dump about Harper's history. What happens to the body? The last line of that paragraph could be hooky but it comes off (to me) as cliche because you won't tell me what isn't supposed to happen here.
In the second paragraph, Who is the her? How does she connect to Harper? Since he knows her name, tell me that when he turns to stop her.
I don't have any connection to Imogen to understand or care why she's freaking out. I don't have any connection with Harper to understand why he wants to stop Imogen from seeing the mysterious dead body.
In 13 lines you introduce:
1) Dead body 2) Harper Davey 3) corpses 4) fields of dead 5) distant moons with civil wars 6) Harrotin Station, Crossroads of the worlds 7) Imogen
That's a lot of work for 13 lines, even if 3-5 are related. I know you are trying to get the spec element in quickly but if you show me what Harper is seeing, that's likely to do it better than an info dump about a civil war on distant moons. IMHO, Give me a connection with someone and stick with it through the first 13 so I can care enough to read on.
Humm, that sounds harsher than I mean it. I need something to connect me to this story and these characters. I'd probably give you a few more lines to do so but for me, at least, that connection is more important than knowing its Sci Fi up front.
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Not bad, but there is alot of telling here. What about those fields of dead bodies? Were they blown apart? pieces scattered all over the place? Give us a feeling for what it was like. However, You might consider tossing that bit of history out and just concentrating on the body he finds - how it looks, what is striking about it, make it an unusual death or situation. Give us the details of that death - his experiences with other deaths can come later.
Posts: 409 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Welcome back to writing! I liked it quite a bit--I like how you've established the contrast between the two worlds. However, the first paragraph feels a little top heavy, and maybe overly tell-y. I think you could make it leaner. Nevertheless, I would definitely read on.
If you want, I'd love to critique it!
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited December 28, 2007).]
All the best on your new daughter, I had two girls myself and know when they are babies, they can be demanding and restrict time for "Mom" and her necessary outlets. Glad to see you picked up "pen and paper" again. I would enjoy reading and offering my thoughts on your story. My oldest daughter (now 21) is a historical fiction buff as am I though not to the same extent she is - 'civil war' reference caught my attention.
So did "Imogen" but it made me think of Imogen Heap. LOL Anyway, dead bodies, civil war, fine writing in the teaser - I would be delighted to read it. Feel free to email me the story if you would like.
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Sounds like a lot of information coming in a tight little package. Suggestion? Is this the type of guy who'd call it a "dead body" or a "stiff" or a "floater" or "ex-whatever?" That hung me up a little. I'm game for a read. Posts: 121 | Registered: Sep 2002
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Definately a little distracting. I'm more caught by the 'it wasn't supposed to happen here." What? The death? THIS particular death?
Questions I need answered, Does he know the stiff? Does he care that the stiff is dead? If so, why? (See one.) If not, why not? If his concern is for imogen, then why is he concerned? What sort of job is he in that he sees lots of bodies?
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