posted
Crime drama piece.... Not sure how long, only a thousand words so far... but I feel more, just trying to get a bead on if it's working. Any comments are welcome.
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It could be said of Zoe that cleanliness was her religion and that Ajax and bleach were her twin gods, which is why I wasn’t surprised when I badged myself into the old TF headquarters, dormant for ten years, to find her bent over the john wielding a scrub brush and cursing the person who ever invented porcelain toilets. She scrubbed in time to “the Thing that Should not Be” which blared from the stereo in the corner.
“Zoe,” I shouted over the noise. She didn’t hear me. “Zo!” Still there was no response. I took my life into my hands and decided to pull the only trick I knew worked. “Zo-zo.” Her head whipped up as her free hand slid for the nine millimeter she was never without. I tried to suppress a shiver, she was the only one who could match me shot for shot at the range.
I was out of breath before the end of that first sentence. I think a first sentence needs to be punchy, to the point. That entire first paragraph could be shortened to "I found Zoe scrubbing the toilets." And shouldn't it be "badgered"? Although you could just be using an expression I've never heard of there.
Apart from that I think there's little to hook me here, maybe a little more about the characters might draw the interest a little more. We never even learn whether the MC is male or female. Then again, if it's a crime drama, and a relatively short one so far--maybe start with the crime itself?
posted
I wasn't quite hooked either, but I would probably turn the page. I think the interaction between the two characters was interesting. I agree with Monstewer, however, that the opening line is way too long. You pack a lot of info on there.
Suggestion: "Ajax and Chlorox were her twin gods" might be a little punchier, since you're using two brand names like the names of gods, rather than a brand name and a regular old noun.
I don't quite get the events in the last paragraph. She can't here him, we're told, so why does it matter if he says Zoe vs. Zo-Zo? If she were _ignoring_ him, then it would make more sense. (I guess I assumed here that the narrator was a he, though there is no indication of that in the narrative). Also, I don't know why accuracy would matter at such a short range. Presumably he's with her in the bathroom, right? So even if she were a horrid shot she could probably plug him decently enough.
Also, you've told us it's a crime drama. Therefore, I'm assuming TF is a detective agency of some sort. However, if you hadn't told us that, I think I'd be confused as to what the headquarters were. As it is, I'm confused by the word "dormant"--if it's dormant, why does it even exist? How can he badge himself in (I'm assuming this means he used a security badge or key card)? Or does this mean he hasn't been there in 10 years?
posted
There were quite a few things in this opening that I struggled with. First was the opening sentence. Too much information packed there to swallow without indigestion. The the logic just fails for me... the POV voice calls out, calls out, gets no response then calls a different name and over the music now she hears it-- a name designed to get a violent response? Why?? Plus they are in a closed up building and she's cleaning a toilet. Just can't make head/tails of this one.
posted
Thank you for the feedback, "badged' is a cop-speak word for flashing your badge to get in. "he badged us in" as to her not hearing or ignoring, maybe both, she's not paying attention at the very least and he knows that her old nickname of zo-zo (which she hates) will get her attention, but also likely tick her off... I'lll work on that first sentence. Thank you.
Zoe kinda crawled into my mind and started screaming at me to write her. BTW, The cop in the story is the narrator, so yes, it is a he.
posted
Hmm . . . I don't believe that anyone was saying that the events themselves don't make sense, but that the narration of them didn't. In other words, the explanations that you just provided in the last post must be in the story. Since most people won't know what "badged" means, don't use it, unless you can do so in such a way that its meaning becomes obvious. And for Zoe either not hearing or ignoring him: even the explanation as stated is not clear. If she is truly not hearing, then her nickname will NOT get her attention. So we have to understand that she IS capable of hearing him, but she is either ignoring him deliberately or is so intent on the music and what she is doing that she doesn't notice him calling her name. Since most people are highly attuned to the sound of their name, this is unlikely (especially since she doesn't have a common name) but not impossible. But if that's what you're going for, put it in the story, not in explanations afterward.
By the way, why doesn't he just touch her on the shoulder? (I can imagine she might be more likely to shoot him for being surprised that way than for calling her by the hated nickname, but if that's the case, put it in the story.) Or he could just turn down the radio.
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited January 03, 2008).]
posted
It could be said of Zoe that cleanliness was her religion and that Ajax and Clorox were her twin gods. She was a short woman, and pretty enough to pass for a pre-teen, though her daughter had just turned seventeen. I quickly shut that thought off as I flashed my tin at the man guarding the door.
Most of the time, a glance is all they need to badge someone in, but he gestured for my badge, and I handed it over to await his inspection. I was a gold-badge, a detective, so having anyone not trust my shield was frustrating, but I, myself was the one that instituted this policy some twelve years back. We’d had too many close calls with people pretending to be authorized, and flashing a badge.
posted
Just thought I'd make a couple of comments:
------- It could be said of Zoe that cleanliness was her religion and that Ajax and Clorox were her twin gods.(<--this sentence looks like it comes out of nowhere and has nothing to do with the rest of the paragraph. I see how it fit in before, but I wouldnt if I was reading this paragraph without looking back at your previous post. I would scrap this sentence for now, or save it for later when it becomes important.) She was a short woman, and pretty enough to pass for a pre-teen, though her daughter had just turned seventeen.(<<-- something is terribly wrong with the wording of this sentence. Make's me think the narrator has an unnatural attraction to pre-teens, unless that's the message your trying to get across, though i don't think it is.) I quickly shut that thought off(<--solidifies my suspision of liking young girls) as I flashed my tin at the man guarding the door. (This first paragraph jumps from Zoe's cleanliness, to her being compared to a pre-teen, to The narrator going through a door. Nothing seems connected.)
Most of the time,(<- lose the ",") a glance is all they(<-- don't use they, we don't know they. I Suspect it's the man guarding the door, but we don't even know who that is, not to mention why he is guarding it.) need to badge someone in, but he gestured for my badge, and I handed it over to await his inspection. (<--you can cut this last sentence into a couple of shorter. It will flow better)I was a gold-badge, a detective, so having anyone not trust my shield was frustrating,(<--Start a new sentence) but I, myself was the one that instituted this policy some (<<-- lose "some")twelve years back. We’d had (<--had had? lose one of them) too many close calls with people pretending to be authorized, and flashing a badge(<-lose "and flashing a badge").
I think you have a story and you know what you want to say but are having a bit of trouble putting it together coherently. Once you make it flow better, im sure it will be an awesome read!
Try forcing yourself to put periods in and start new sentences. It's easy to get into the habit of carrying a sentence on for too long with those fun little comma's (I do it all the time).
From my take on the story, the Narrator is entering some crime scene, or somewhere else that needs authorized access. I'd use this as your opener. Why and where is he going? set the scene if this is where the story is going to start. Save the stuff about zoe for when we are introduced to her.
I guess it wasn't just a few comments. ) I think you have a good idea, keep on truckin, im sure you'll iron it out in the end!
posted
I think you've lost your hook with Zoe in your effort to explain everything. Devnal's right--the first line is disjointed now because we have no idea who Zoe is and how she relates to the ensuing paragraphs.
Here's a question--is it really necessary for us to know the details of how he got into the place? Why not just start with Zoe and the reason your MC went there to begin with? Conversely, you could start with the MC right before he goes to see Zoe--but we need to know why he has to go see her. Maybe taht could be your hook.
posted
Thank you. Like I said, still trying to work out how to get into this story... Will try again... It's one of those times where I'm trying to find a good way into a complicated story Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2006
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) I think you have a good idea, keep on truckin, im sure you'll iron it out in the end!
