posted
Mike stared at the phone and cringed everytime it rang. Thanks to call display he could see it was his mother calling again. He covered his ears with two pillows and groaned, somehow the ringing pierced his feathery shields. He wanted to answer the phone, and tell her that her calls made him want to throw himself infront of a large semi. All she wanted to do was talk to him about how depressing a day she had and how she was feeling. She was the type of person who actually answered the “How are you doing” question honestly – wholeheartedly. The phone stopped ringing and which made Mike smile. He reached for his coffeecup on the coffee table and nearly droped it when the phone rang. He walked over to the phone and shuddered, Mike wondered why she didn't call his brother Maxwell instead.
***
This still a work in progress...boring, interesting... thoughts?
I was depployed overseas (Afghanistan, and other areas) for two month's so I have alot of creative energy caged up, itching to be released.
[This message has been edited by Second Assistant (edited January 07, 2008).]
posted
I would suggest cutting most of the first two paragraphs, and start with him answering the phone. You could then use the conversation (and a dash of the MCs thoughts while it's happening) to convey all the the things he's dreading about the call.
An adult child inwardly groaning when his/her mother calls is fairly commonplace, so I couldn't tell where you intended to head with the humor aspect, and can't comment much on that.
posted
I agree with Dee on this one, most of the first two paragraphs are about somebody trying to avoid a phone call because he knows it will be so boring. If the MC knows it is going to be a boring conversation why should the reader want to turn the page and read about it?
posted
Okay, I'll refrain from going line by line on this one. I wasn't hooked here. While I sympathize with the familiar feeling of avoiding a parents' phone call, his reaction seems to border on psychotic. I don't really see the humor in the hyperbole.
And yes, as the others pointed out, you're throwing us into a situation which you've already stated is either boring or depressing.
posted
The humor is there, but the delivery is off. I'd say shortening both paragraph and sentence structure as my esteemed colleagues have suggested. Might I suggest marking points of real life comedy and considering them? A funny thing at work, that sort of thing.
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