posted
First 13 of a high fantasy short story. Plotting is finished but still have to write it out. So, it's a WIP. Planning on keeping it under 10K. Any comments would be appreciated.
Hagen lifted his head as the saltreach flowed past him, and the flame dancing above his palm dissipated. He felt the change that brought nullification to their Tell-an powers, both his and the second mage. The other would know that he was here. This would be the end of things. Hagen stood up from his seat beneath the large, oak tree and scanned down the slope. Tall, dark grasses covered the low hills as they reached out to the east -- away from the mountain slopes behind him -- spotted with broad-leafed trees. A figure clothed in deep blue made his way up the incline toward Hagen. It would be Marek. Hagen’s pulse quickened. The voice of his Shari-a, Falor, came from its place within him, silent to all but his mind. “Be patient, Hagen. Do not let
posted
I confess I'm not a big fan of high fantasy. Given that, I'll give this my best shot.
Hagen lifted his head as the saltreach flowed past him, and the flame dancing above his palm dissipated. He felt the change what change? that brought nullification to their Tell-an powers er... are you trying to say that their powers vanished?, both his and the second mage"second mage's"--and what second mage? The one standing next to him? Second by what or whose ordination?. The other what other? the other mage? would know that he was here. This would be the end of things.er... the end of the world? End of the status quo? Hagen stood up from his seat beneath the large, oak tree and scanned down the slope. Tall, dark grasses covered the low hills as they reached out to the east -- away from the mountain slopes behind him -- spotted with broad-leafed trees. A figure clothed in deep blue made his way up the incline toward Hagen. It would be Marek. Hagen’s pulse quickened. The voice of his Shari-a, Falor, came from its place within him, silent to all but his mind. “Be patient, Hagen. Do not let
This piece feels inaccessible to me, but that's not uncommon for high fantasy. The end of things is a bit too general for me to care much about. At least there is another person approaching, and that might make me turn the page to see what their interaction is like.
posted
Lots of folks here: Hagen, the second mage, Marek, Falor. Lots of unfamiliar words: saltreach, Tell-an, Shari-a. It feels rushed, like you're trying to get a pile of characters and some unfamiliar concepts into the picture immediately. The result is that we're not getting the necessary background to assimilate them properly.
Posts: 100 | Registered: Dec 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
Apart what the others have mentioned, I want to mention that the first two sentences are very confusing. If you had to change one word, I would suggest 'saltreach.' All the other words can be understood as specific to the world, but I personally had no idea what that one meant, and it threw me out of the story immediately.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
