posted
This is right now a 1500 word story for a short class I'm in (almost over). The story turned out well, so I plan to change some things and increase its size a bit. Please give me feedback on the first 13 for now.
quote:Although sweating, I felt cold, almost freezing, as I gripped tightly with damp hands the means to end a war. I saw a string of matted brown hair through my field of vision. It seemed disconnected from my head - the world. What a strange twist of fate that I was the only one who could perform this task to save the very ones who used to call me a monster. I, an Earth-born human, the only non-native in this galaxy – was the only person who could pull off this mission. The big question was whether I could I live with myself afterward? Was I turning myself in to a monster to prove I wasn’t one?
I had been living with the Suntarans for as long as I can remember. I never understood why I was not like the other Suntaran children until I was near the age of ascension when I
[This message has been edited by kingtermite (edited February 12, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 13, 2008).]
posted
I like this opening. It's quite gripping. However, I don't think it's going to work to keep his intention, and his equipment, a secret until the end. Its going to annoy me because it's such a contrived method of making me read.
By the way, I had dreams about termites last night...
posted
I can't really answer that without having read through the whole thing to know what's at stake. The issue for me is the need for full disclosure, especially if the narrative is first person. Your character clearly knows what he/ she is holding and how he/ she intends to end the war with it. Better to tell us what is it, and let the suspense unfold in the events following, in my opinion. In other words, this might be a good set up for a story, but might be tricky to pull off as a story.
But for now, I'd wait till a few others post their thoughts. It might not bother others.
(and no, the termites were marching toward my house intending to eat it and I had to stomp on them. )
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited February 12, 2008).]
posted
On the topic of showing and telling - this has nothiing to do with who is speaking, though you were right to suspect that you were telling this story rather than showing it. For example, your first sentence: "Although sweating, I felt cold, almost freezing, as I gripped tightly with damp hands the means to end a war. Telling us that he felt cold, almsot freezing is telling, when shivering hands, chattering teeth, and a biting cold winter wind shows us the same thing. Similarly, when your character says the means to end a war, he's telling us what this object is. If other characters commented on it, or we witnessed the reactions of rival leaders when the object is used/activated/rubbed emphatically, then we're being shown something.
Were I writing this story, I'd exorcise the whole first paragraph, since it is all just telling that has no relevance whatsoever to the reader. Second, I'd try and start the story a little closer to the action (without resorting to using that first paragraph again, which is a little too close in my opinion). We don't need to see your MC's entire life story play out before our eyes - pick out the key points you want to emphasize (alien outsider, few friends, courageous, etc) and try to work them into the present day activites through other characters, or just plain inference based on how the character is acting. Then, take those few key points and start working on the story you do want to tell - and remain focused on it.
Oh, and avoid the adverbs if at all possible. It usually is.
Jayson Merryfield
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited February 12, 2008).]
posted
Your question on showing and telling made me curious enough to poke my head in F&F. I have to say, showing and telling is not the first or most important problem I see, although I can believe that you are about to "tell" us some things based on this construction.
Your first paragraph is a teaser of a potentially intriguing situation, but it completely fails to make me want to read further because even it is telling more than showing, and what it's telling me is purposefully and intrusively limited to the aforementioned teasers.
Two of the hardest and most important lessons I had to learn as a young writer was that action is not the same as conflict and that mystery is not the same as holding back.
Suspense is built in a number of ways, but some of the best ways involve getting a reader intrigued by a character they can sympathize with and in a situation they understand fully. In fact, the more we understand, the more suspense there is. This is why hinting at the climax at the beginning of a story so often fails -- we don't know what's happened or how we've gotten there. I don't know how to care about the main character's choice -- I don't even know what the choice is. He's ending a war, but I don't even know if I care whether the war ends. For all I know, he's ending it on bad terms and it would be better off going on. I've got a good imagination, but it can only fill in so much. To fill in enough to care about what is going on in your first paragraph, I'd have to make up my own little story, and then I'd rather be writing than reading.
If it were me, and based only on 13 lines (which isn't much), I would cut your first paragraph entirely. I would start with the second paragraph, but in a more interesting and more showing way. Perhaps you could show us the moment that this character realized he was not like everyone else. What happened? What was that like? This could potentially be an intriguing situation.
There could be another even better place to begin...it's hard to say without seeing the entire story...but basically my advice is to build suspense slowly through specific scenes that show us who the character is and what is going on. Even though I'm not fond of the method you used with your teasers, I can tell that you've got something interesting happening here.
posted
Okay…this is my two bits’ worth. I like the opening idea you have but I think you have put too many details in it. The hair and disconnected and world – none of that raises an image in my mind. Do you really need it? I think the only bits that are making sense at this point are the points about hold the means in sweaty hand and that he’s (I’m assuming a he) been called a monster by the people he means to save. Like this --
Although freezing, I gripped with sweaty hands the means to end a war. What a strange twist of fate that I was the only one who could perform this task to save the very ones who used to call me a monster. I had been living with the Suntarans for as long as I can remember. I never understood why I was not like the other Suntaran children until I was near the age of ascension when I was told the story of how I came to be here by one of the rearing elders. The second paragraph doesn’t segue well from the first. You would – my opinion – to start probably with his being seen as a monster, which isn’t what’s coming out in this second paragraph.
Nits – gripped implies tightly. Just start out with him freezing and then contrast that to the sweaty hands. To me, that makes more sense.
posted
Thanks for all your suggestions. Definitely some good meat to bite out of as I rework the story. Like I said I plan to rework the entire story....this helps me immensely.
posted
Other than seconding what everyone else suggested, I wanted to add one thing. This goes along with Arriki and Wolf_boy.
"Gripped tightly," doesn't work for me. Tightly, in this case, doesn't add much to gripped. It's an adverb, so its job is to modify the verb (gripped), which it doesn't seem to do to my perception.
My personal rule on this is thus: adverbs modify verbs. If you need to modify your verb, maybe you've got the wrong verb.
An example of this is "lightly knocked" rather than "tapped." A different verb doesn't need to be modified. It's also more efficient, one word instead of two.
A key is to look for the -ly words. Sometimes they have good and legit uses. The trick is to just watch them carefully. Make sure they are needed.
(Sorry, that ended up being a lot of critique over just two little words. For all I know, you already knew this and felt good about that choice. Either way, it's meant to help not hurt--so I hope it did that.)
[This message has been edited by lehollis (edited February 12, 2008).]
posted
I second what has been said about the difference between mystery and withholding info. What you've done here is set me in the head of the MC, and told me that he's holding something important, but not told me what that is. Withholding info is the cardinal sin of writing (IMHO). Not only are you using a device, rather than focusing on storytelling, but you are disrespecting the reader. I would say that I have stopped reading plenty of stories or novels that do this, but I haven't, because its rare that one gets published.
My advice, having read the first 13 and your summary in the other forum, is to start at the beginning and proceed to the end. Not the beginning of your characters life, but at the beginning of this story. Weave the necessary info into the story, trusting the reader to understand. (I also advise staying away from 1st person unless you're a genius, but I recognize not everyone feels that way).
quote:I second what has been said about the difference between mystery and withholding info. What you've done here is set me in the head of the MC, and told me that he's holding something important, but not told me what that is. Withholding info is the cardinal sin of writing (IMHO). Not only are you using a device, rather than focusing on storytelling, but you are disrespecting the reader. I would say that I have stopped reading plenty of stories or novels that do this, but I haven't, because its rare that one gets published.
My advice, having read the first 13 and your summary in the other forum, is to start at the beginning and proceed to the end. Not the beginning of your characters life, but at the beginning of this story. Weave the necessary info into the story, trusting the reader to understand. (I also advise staying away from 1st person unless you're a genius, but I recognize not everyone feels that way).
Thank you. I like the way you put it simply and in perfect perspective.
As said before, I'm very new to trying to write again. Part of the reason I went 1st person is because of some of the classics are 1st person POV (Frankenstein and Moby Dick come to mind). I'm now seeing exactly what you mean by only do it if you're a genius. It really was hard to write in that POV.
[This message has been edited by kingtermite (edited February 14, 2008).]
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