posted
More flash. About 800 words of light sci-fi / humor, this time. Hoping for feedback on the opening and / or a quick crit of the whole piece.
quote: The Oreja de Dios facility didn't get many visitors. Sitting at the top of a thirty mile long dirt track, high in the Ecuadorian Andes, its rows of cheap parabolic radio receivers and the utilitarian corrugated iron shack that served as a control center weren't of much interest to anybody.
The last eight people to visit had been German tourists, looking for the Cotopaxi National Park. The two before that had been Karl Plombmann and Danny Southers: astrophysicists on secondment from Edinburgh university. The desolate expanse of lichen-covered rocks and the freezing blast of evening air that greeted them as they climbed out of their battered jeep were almost enough to make them turn right back around again. Had they done so, humankind's first message from the stars might
[This message has been edited by Toby Western (edited April 06, 2008).]
posted
Somebody very soon is going to break onto the publishing scene. I wish it were me, but It will be You.
This is really well written. The style here somewhat reminds me of Pohl or Crichton. I like it. I will read, it will probably be late tomorrow though on the turn.
posted
Very atmospheric, nicely written, except I got confused about which "they" climbed out of their jeep--the eight German tourists or the two astrophysicists. I don't know where this is going but if all these people are material to the story I'd suggest mentioning them as and when they arrive.
Aside from that, great start--I'll read if you'd like.
posted
OK, I'll be the contrarian here. I can't say that I was really hooked into the story. It's very well written, but I just didn't get drawn in.
Some small points: I've never heard it called "corrugated iron." I've heard it called corrugated tin. I had to look up "secondment;" I think the average reader wouldn't know the word, either.
quote:The Oreja de Dios RADIO ASTRONOMY facility didn't get many visitors. Sitting at the top of a thirty mile long dirt track, high in the Ecuadorian Andes, its rows of cheap parabolic radio receivers and the utilitarian corrugated iron shack that served as a control center weren't of much interest to anybody. MY THOUGHT AT THIS POINT: *WHY* WEREN'T THEY OF INTEREST? THERE ARE PLENTY THAT ARE FASCINATED WITH ASTRONOMY; WHY DID THIS CHANGE?
The last eight people to visit had been German tourists, looking for the Cotopaxi National Park. The two before that had been Karl Plombmann and Danny Southers: astrophysicists on secondment from Edinburgh university. The desolate expanse of lichen-covered rocks and the freezing blast of evening air that greeted them as they climbed out of their battered jeep were almost enough to make them turn right back around again. BUT...THEY'D COME ALL THAT WAY, AND THEY WERE ASTROPHYSICISTS. WOULD A DESOLATE AND COLD SITE REALLY MAKE THEM ALMOST *LEAVE*? HARD TO BELIEVE! Had they done so, humankind's first message from the stars might
Despite my kibitzes, I agree with the others -- I want to know what happened. (And I'll read.)
posted
Thanks to all for the comments and critiques.
So many crits on so short a piece is almost an embarrassment of riches. I'll take a rain-check on your kind offer, Cheyne, 'til I come up with something that grabs you better.
posted
I meant no insult. Not as high did not mean I didn't like it. Only that some of the earlier praise was, to me, over the top. That said it is probably not a good idea to limit the critiques of your work to people who are unlikely to criticize.
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TheOnceandFutureMe
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posted
I'm not hooked. I've got a description of some facility.
I've said this before, but I think it's very important. Bring me into the scene. Right now you're just describing something. Get me inside a character's head. If right after this opening you dive into the scene with interesting characters and a strong POV, I might keep reading.
And absolutely none taken, Cheyne! I do sincerely appreciate you offering your valuable time to help me write better. I just ended up with far more offers to crit than I expected for so trivial a piece.
quote: That said it is probably not a good idea to limit the critiques of your work to people who are unlikely to criticize.
I entirely agree. I was simply looking to limit the number of crits. As you didn't sound too interested in the piece, it seemed like a good place to stop. I in no way meant to be offensive or dismissive. Please forgive me if I seemed so.
quote: I'm not hooked. I've got a description of some facility.
I've said this before, but I think it's very important. Bring me into the scene. Right now you're just describing something. Get me inside a character's head. If right after this opening you dive into the scene with interesting characters and a strong POV, I might keep reading.
I'm going to keep chipping away until I come up with something that you like, OnceAndFutureMe! It might help that the next lines bring in a grumbling Glaswegian, but probably not enough
Yes, we have very different writing styles, but I have read pieces like what you are going for that I have very much enjoyed. If this grumbling Glaswegian has lines of dialog, then I'm sure that it would help.
We could give it another try....send it my way, if you like.
[Edited due to unintentional sarcasm]
[This message has been edited by TheOnceandFutureMe (edited April 11, 2008).]
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