posted
I've gotten to the point in this piece, as I do with all my work, that I doubt it's interesting at all. What happens is: I'm all excited as I write a scene, but when I reread it feels like old news. The journey of writing is the only thing I enjoy. After that I lose all perspective. So crits on the opener might help? Thanks! -- Amiya
--- At the top of a high southern peak, inside a gray-veined white marble palace, a rather strange man stood outside a pair of heavy wooden doors. That is, he was strange by Earth standards, but not by Mindsbase standards. His creamy skin and smooth brown ponytail, along with his creaseless leather pants and high black boots gave him an overly sleek appearance. Even the little mouche beneath his lip was perfectly trimmed. But the strangest thing about him was that he was talking to a doormat.
"I just want to look around," he said soothingly. "I was one of the chief architects, you see. I’ve just been away for a while."
"Sure, sure." The flat face on the doormat turned abruptly serious. "Look, you don’t fool me. I know what you are. I'm here to stop people -- and anyone else -- from defiling this building."
quote:At the top of a high southern peak, inside a gray-veined white marble palace, a rather strange man stood outside a pair of heavy wooden doors. That is, he was strange by Earth standards, but not by Mindsbase standards.
You can probably cut a lot of this and go more or less right to the descreption. Maybe just "an unusual looking man". But maybe not even that...if he isnt strange or unusual by the standard of where he is, you probably don't need to mention it.
quote:I'm here to stop people -- and anyone else -- from defiling this building."
This part is unclear and redundant. The may is there to stop people....and anyone else? I assume theres something your trying to specify but it needs to be clearer.
posted
Hmmm...Yes I can relate to the feeling you are having. I am the same way. "Look I drafted the best story ever told. You edit it!"
Here is my take. I would offer to take this on, but I am totally over my head right now. If you can wait a week or two, send it over.
quote:At the top of a high southern peak, inside a gray-veined white marble palace[Grey and white marbled palace], a rather strange man stood outside a pair of heavy wooden doors. That is, he was strange by Earth standards, but not by Mindsbase standards.POV? His creamy skin and smooth brown ponytail, along with his creaseless leather pants and high black boots gave him an overly[drop] sleek appearance. Even the little mouche[moustache might be bettr suited for YA] beneath his lip was perfectly trimmed. But the strangest thing about him was that he was talking to a doormat.
"I just want to look around," he said soothingly. "I was one of the chief architects, you see. I’ve just been away for a while."
"Sure, sure." The flat face on the doormat turned abruptly[ an expression can turn serious, but can a face?] serious. "Look, you don’t fool me. I know what you are. I'm here to stop people -- and anyone else[Anyone or anything] -- from defiling this building."
I liked this. The Omni intro, does it shift into a third? or stay omni throughout?
This seemed pretty solid to me. The only thing I could suggest is that work on making concise phrases that are suitable for the age braket you are shooting for. I would turn the page, and so would my son. Who reads alot of YA
I agree that the "anyone else" thing is a bit unclear. I had thought the hook was partly to wonder what this man is, if not a person. Perhaps I should go ahead and put right there what he is: the man, like the mat, is a PROG, which in my universe is a glorified computer program. Full-bodied progs are created with tight controls... they shouldn't be wandering about at night trying to enter restricted areas. It's a signal that something is wrong in Mindsbase, but how to get a reader to catch that in a few lines is difficult. Ideas welcome!
I'm also doing a bit of a strange thing with the POV -- it's sort of a relay. Once the mat gets someone else involved, they become the POV, then that character gets the next, and so on. By the end, we'll see briefly through each of their perspectives again. I can't think of a book with this relay way of passing the POV stick -- tell me if you've seen it done well.
posted
I'm not sure about relay POV, but as long as you're intentional it should work out. Right? Of course right...
Oh. And this opener is a SCREAM. So funny.
But I think you can cut down the description a bit. Though once you get to the dialogue the feel of the description takes on a whole new depth of...I don't know, tongue-in-cheek?
Overall, go with it! It sounds like you have something really good started here. And you've nailed what I find is the most fetching to me in YA, which is that quirky, funny voice right in the first page. Congrats on that.
posted
Yep, what Arachne said. I'm a big YA fan, and I think you hit the "hmm, that's odd" voice that YAs seem to gravitate toward. I also write in the YA sci-fi genre, so at some point in the future I'd love to read this and perhaps trade crits on my WIP (50k YA sci-fi novel set on a space station w/a sentient comptuer.) But...not yet! I'm (like bent tree) in over my head with promised crits and drafts of stories that need to be tidied up. Anyway, point is keep my user name in mind for sometime down the road.
On this specific fragment -
Agree with previous poster on tidying up the "gray-veined white marble" - gray-veined is probably enough. I think these descriptors are needed to place the user, so I disagree with another previous poster that suggests jumping straight in. Plus, they do set the tone.
The thing that struck me as odd, but I can't figure out if it's a problem or just stuck out to me, was that you talk about it being strange that he's talking to a doormat, but then proceed right on with the doormat talking to him as if it were normal (complete with expressions, LOL.) I think that's the 3rd omni voice's influence, which is fine. I think your relay idea is also fine, though I can't say I know of any specific examples for you to look at. I've recently finished the Rama series by Arthur C. Clarke and he uses a shifting 3rd person (not deep, very odd to read, almost omni at times) POV, where you go from one character to another. By the 2nd/3rd books he sticks to one POV more tightly. 1st book seems omni. Second seems 3rd person multiple. 3rd and 4th seem to be almost exclusively 3rd person, single POV with maybe 10% exception to tell some part of the story she couldn't have been present at. But he doesn't abuse it - he tells only those parts that are needed to move the action forward from the other POVs. He doesn't unmask the wizard or anything else.
Random musings about Arthur C. Clarke aside, I think this is a great start. Few other nits/style suggestions - lose the abruptly. Frankly, since we don't see the doormat in the first place, do you even need to say he turned serious? What about just having the doormat regard the man with a serious expression? I don't think that enough has happened to have the doormat's expression *change* if that makes any sense.
The idea around trying to convey that this man is not what he appears in that line "stop people - and anyone else - from defiling this building" is probably fine. There are also a few other ways you could do it. "I'm here to stop anyone and anything from defiling this building." You could then give the mat another beat, another non-dialogue line where you show the mat's way of thinking by his face. e.g., The mat gave the man a stern expression that would have made most people chill on the spot. ugh, that was terrible, but get the idea? You could do something with that line to further drive home your point - something's not quite right here.
Good luck with this. It's neat. Good start. Keep writing. Don't let the fact that it's written dissuade you. Get to the end, put it in the drawer for a few weeks/month or two - then when you pull it out you'll realize it was cool and you're not all that bad a writer and maybe if you just tweak here and tighten there and add a scene there it'll be perfect. And it will.
posted
KayTi, I already had you pegged for a similar writer. We're close in age, moms of younguns writing YASF. You're probably a step or two higher on the experience scale but if you'll condescend to trade crits with me I'll be most grateful. I'm happy to read yours anytime. I'm doing a rewrite on my first 20k of a novel and it's not fit to be seen yet.
Arachne, I'm so glad someone gets my sense of humor! Most of my writing is a bit tongue-in-cheek, and treading softly on that line seems to lose people. But I like subtle.
posted
And here's the revision. I'm trying to not explain all about progs yet, so I changed out the word "people" for "humans". A small change but I think it helps:
At the top of a high southern peak, inside a white marble palace, a rather strange man stood outside a set of vast double doors. That is, he was strange by Earth standards, but not by Mindsbase standards. His creamy skin, and smooth ponytail and leather pants gave him a sleek appearance. Even the little mouche beneath his lip was perfectly trimmed. But the strangest thing about him was that he was talking to a doormat. "I just want to look around," he said soothingly to the flat face on the grass mat. "I was one of the chief architects. I’ve just been away for a while." "Sure, sure." The doormat's reedy voice turned serious. "Look, you don’t fool me. I know what you are. I'm here to stop humans -- and anyone else -- from defiling this building."
posted
The talking doormat tasked to keep intruders out is a great hook. On that idea alone I would want to read more- I'd need to know how it accomplishes its task.
Until that point I was wavering... telling me he's a rather strange man in the first sentence was ok, it gives a hint of something interesting to look forward to, but then in his description that follows he doesn't sound all that strange.
If the strangest thing about him is that he's talking to a doormat, I'm left with the impression that only his complexion and manner of dressing are strange.
If this is the first 13 lines, consider focusing on the strangest event and then dole out descriptions of the MC further along.
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