posted
In the light of the full moon, two figures stood facing each other. One was tall and had a muscular build. He was in all black armor and a helmet with a long thick sword that had two red rubies in the hilt. The other figure was a small slim build. He was in all silver armor with a red rose on the breast plate and a sword so sharp it could cut a tree in half like it was butter. Both knights were breathing hard. Remains of people and creatures lay scattered at their feet.The Black Knight charges the Silver Knight. The clank of metal against metal rings out in the open field. Sparks dance to the ground. The Black Knight longed again taking the Silver Knight off guard, stumbling back,and head down. The helmet rolls off. Long brown hair shone with gold flecks from the moon light. The Knight
Posts: 1 | Registered: May 2008
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posted
You are using both past and present tense, so I can't tell which tense you intend to write with - though it seems you intended past tense. "Both knights were breathing hard." Past "The clang of metal rings out in the open field." Present
Why are they fighting? For us to have interest and empathy, we should know why they are fighting. As it is, all we know is two knights are doing battle - and knowing nothing else keeps us at a distance emotionally. I think this opening would be better if you cut down on description and instead introduced some conflict into the story - a reason for them to fight. As it is it's a static descroption of an event. Give us someone to care about, with a reason to care about them, and you'll get us at an emotional level - and you will have a good start on a story.
posted
Think about ways to make this an active scene, such as including dialogue. Also, choosing a point of view character will make your life easier. This signals to the reader who to identify with in the story and gives them a "way in" through that character's emotions and senses. "show, don't tell" is always good advise.
Corny example, just to illustrate my points (you can do much better): Joe Bob paused to catch his breath, but wary of the Black Knight, who looked ready to charge at any moment. "Cease, Sir Black Knight. Observe the carnage!" He indicated the battlefield; the full moon illuminated the remains of people and creatures lay scattered at their feet. "I'll kill you now, Sir Pipsqueak." The Black Knight charge. It occurs to be you may be going for an objective "fixed-camera" POV, perhaps as an intro section. That is notoriously difficult to pull off.
posted
I'm a fan of really good first lines, and I loved your first line. The rest, though, reads like a newspaper story. I found the description a bit dry and matter-of-fact. As Kathy said, getting inside one character's head will allow you to add some emotion.
Unless there is some aspect of someone's appearance or clothing that will soon be relevant to the story, you can usually omit these descriptions. Just mentioning a tall Black Knight and a short Silver Knight gives me enough information to picture the scene. Unless the rubies on the sword are going to pop up and do something amazing in the next paragraph, I don't really care about them. It bogs down the pace of the story, especially at the beginning.
The hook is good. Two knights fighting alone amidst scattered carnage makes me wonder what's going on.
posted
This didn't really work for me. There is too much description, and when the action starts I'm left in the dark as to why they're fighting, not to mention who I should root for.
The mixed past and present tense has already been mentioned, but it's still true that after all the past tense description ("stood", "was", "had", "could" [instead of "can"], "were" and "lay"), the sentence "The Black Knight charges the Silver Knight" comes as something of a jolt.
In the sentence "He was in all black armor and a helmet with a long thick sword that had two red rubies in the hilt," my first thought was that the helmet had a sword. I had to reread it to get it.
Try taking out some description, or moving it to later on in the story, or better yet, attaching bits of it to actions: "The [hulking] Black Knight charged the Silver Knight[, swinging his broadsword towards the slim neck of his opponent]. This is just a quick example, but I think it reads better than writing out the description and then leaving the actions bare and un-adjectivized.
posted
Don't everybody jump down my throat at once but, Heinlein wrote a book: Time enough for love. The titles were similar enough to remind me of each other. If anybody cares.
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