posted
I guess this is my small tribute to Lovecraft. Submitted for your consumption:
quote: Jeremy ran his fingers along the polished edge of Father's mahogany desk. He did not feel any residual magic, no threat of Father soaked into the pores of the ancient wood, nothing of that black spirit awaiting the opportunity to take its revenge. And he felt no guilt, as he paced the bookshelves that lined the study--bookshelves filled with volumes of spells and potions and contracts to dark gods. It was pride that pressed his cheeks back in a victorious grin as he sniffed the black candles meticulously mounted on pedestals along the Persian rug.
This was all his now.
Oh, it wasn't worth the frosty countenance or the beatings. It didn't even scratch the surface of the many nights he'd sat
NEW 13 POSTED BELOW.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 28, 2008).]
posted
Mr. Babbly? That's gonna leave a mark. It looks good to me, groovy inarticulate one. Send it on, if you like, I'm just messing around tomorrow, and I can proof it for you.
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
"Oh, it wasn't worth the frosty countenance or the beatings. It didn't even scratch the surface of the many nights he'd sat"
I loved it up to the lines above. "Frosty countenance" is too weak a description for me, when the father beat the son. I think you need something stronger.
I am hooked beyond being, and I would love to read more. Send it to me if you like.
Oh, and I will use the "Seacat Method", which is copious parenthesis, and colored font so you can see what I am talking about. You have been warned!
posted
I guess since KDW shut down our world domination thread we'll have to play by the rules again. I didn't find much to gripe about in your first 13 Except that wood more properly has grains instead of pores. And the frosty countenace thing is a little lame. I've got a couple of really short pieces (something I have trouble pulling off)on the go so I am always looking at how to shorten them even more.(I'll post soon) Send me the rest so I can find fault in you... I mean in your story.
Posts: 340 | Registered: Jan 2008
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Point of fact: Wood is absolutely porous. In my "day job" we have to seal all wooden surfaces for precisely that reason--bodily fluids, bacteriaa and pigments can all be captured by the wood's pores. (That's how wood gets water-logged.) If you think of our bodies, flesh is porous and muscle has grain; wood has both, too.
Seacat, if you have MSWord, I appreciate it more when people use the "insert comments" feature. It's much less intrusive to the text, and I can switch from my copy to critiqued copy and know where I'm at--and on which page.
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IB- I too work with wood. I was speaking strictly of language use. Of course wood has pores, but most people will think of its grainy quality first.
Posts: 340 | Registered: Jan 2008
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I've always refered to people on messageboards via derivations of their avatars or screen names if theres no avatars like here. Hence, Mr. Babbly.
Posts: 2626 | Registered: Apr 2008
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quote:I guess since KDW shut down our world domination thread we'll have to play by the rules again.
First of all, just because I shut down a thread in which you were discussing world domination does not mean I shut it down because you were discussing world domination or that I am even against world domination.
Second, even when you are discussing world domination, I expect you to play by the rules.
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Well, if it's okay with Kathleen, we're going to plan the synchronized takeover of the entire eastern seaboard...but we have to wait until there are more than three of us to implement it. Posts: 3687 | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
Taking over the world would be fun and all, but once you actually had it, you'd probably just stick it on a shelf in your basement and move on to some new hobby, like bonsai.
On topic...
quote:...as he paced the bookshelves that lined the study...
To me, that sounds like he's walking on the bookshelves.
I've just picked up a Lovecraft short story collection, so I'm not yet familiar with his writing style. But I'm assuming that
quote:pressed his cheeks back in a victorious grin
is an HP homage. Otherwise, it's a bit weird. Unless you're going for weird.
quote: Jeremy ran his fingers along the polished edge of Father's mahogany desk. He didn't feel any residual magic, no threat of Father soaked into the pores of the ancient wood, nothing of that black spirit awaiting an opportunity for vengeance. He felt no guilt as he paced beside the bookshelves lining the study--bookshelves filled with volumes of spells and potions, and contracts to dark gods. Pride pulled his cheeks back in a victorious grin. He smelled the black candles meticulously mounted on pedestals along the Persian rug, the musky scent a potpourri to his senses.
It was all his now. Paid for in blood, sealed with his soul.
Oh, it wasn't worth Father's icy countenance or the bony...
Comma a wafting(or a waft of), musky potpourri filled his nose.
Senses implies things that I did not percieve as conveyed in this instance. Smell seemed the driving sense here. It is powerful though and you should keep it. Great tool.
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