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Author Topic: Tentative title "Bellevue Square" - literary fiction
Jesse D
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Is this a weird place to get critiques for literary-genre stories? This is another story I just started, and I think right now I've got a pretty decent hook. I don't have much written beyond the first few lines, but tell me if you can get an impression of what's going on.

“I'll be right back, mom, 'kay?” It wasn't really a question, the eyes in the mirror revealing it would be an hour or longer, not simply minutes. Not many people knew eyes gave away so much. Gerta knew.
“I'll leave the window rolled down. We're in the garage so it should stay cool. Don't leave; I've got the keys. Sure you don't want to come?” The offer was a courtesy, meaningless. The traitor eyes told her. Gerta shook her head no.
Her daughter-in-law opened the door, and Gerta watched intently as the dome light shone its dull, harbinger glow. She let it burn its slow impression into her eyes, so when the door slammed closed like a gavel the glowed stayed, dancing before her when she blinked.


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Devnal
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I feel like I've seen a trend in a lot of posts lately where people think we know more about the story than we do when posting the thirteen lines, or feel that things will be explained later, resulting in rather confusing beginnings.

here are my problems with this opening;

“I'll be right back, mom, 'kay?” who is speaking? It wasn't really a question, the eyes in the mirror revealing it would be an hour or longer this line is confusing, i don't understand eyes in the mirror, metaphor or actual eyes in a mirror? revealing should probably be revealed or something, it doesnt flow well either, not simply minutes. Not many people knew eyes gave away so much. Gerta knew. is gerta the one who spoke?
“I'll leave the window rolled down. We're in the garage so it should stay cool. Don't leave; I've got the keys. Sure you don't want to come?” is this Gerta speaking again? I feel like I have been pushed into a scene that was non existent in the first paragraph. I don't know if this is okay for others, but its confusing me The offer was a courtesy, meaningless probably should be "the offer was courtious yet meaningless . The traitor eyes told her. Gerta shook her head no.
Her daughter-in-law opened the door new character introduced, or is this the traitor or is gerta the traitor? you need to identify who is who ( the eyes in the mirror, the traitor, the daughter in law etc) there could be 1 person talking to themselves so far, or four people , and Gerta watched intently as the dome light shone its dull, harbinger glow. She let it burn its slow impression into her eyes, so when the door slammed closed like a gavel the glowedsb glow stayed, dancing before her when she blinked.

By the end of the paragraph i feel that Gerta is a semi prisoner in a car in a totally dark garage. I think there are two other people there but feel its only one. I also think Gerta may be a little slow from the last couple of sentences that are taken up with her staring (seemingly enjoyingly) at a dome light that is bright enough to burn an impression into her eyes when the darkness comes back


I think you have an excellent premise and truthfully I think this IS a good Beginning, I think it just might be written poorly. Take some of confusion away, let us know who's who, we want mystery but not confusion.


[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited June 25, 2008).]


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TaleSpinner
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I don't much care for literary genre, but nevertheless I hope these comments might help.

Like Devnal I found it hard to make out what was going on, and I arrived at a different conclusion.

I think Gerta is in the back seat of a car, and that her daughter-in-law is doing the talking from the front seat, until she opens the door and leaves. The POV is Gerta's, close third, because we know what Gerta thinks, e.g. "Not many people knew eyes gave away so much."

But it's easy to believe that the POV is the speaker of the dialogue because of the way narrative and dialogue are in the same paragraph. For example, in the first para, we imagine that "It wasn't really a question, the eyes in the mirror revealing " is narrative from the POV of the speaker of "I'll be back ..." because it's in the same para and there's no hint otherwise. Same problem with the second para. It's only in the third para that POV is established, and we have to read the whole thing again to make sense of it.

Also, I found ... mom, 'kay? ... confusing because the speaker's voice has not yet been established. I wondered who Kay was, wondered if it was a typo, was Kay the name of the mom ...? (And, 'mom' should be capitalised.)

I think it probably ought to be either 'traitor's eyes' or 'traitorous eyes'.

Finally, I suspect the last para is a little over-written. Of what might the light's glow be a harbinger? How can an impression be slow? (Do you mean it slowly burned its impression into her eyes?) And I don't think you need 'like a gavel' because we all know what car doors slamming sound like--unless you're trying to hint she's going to be auctioned off somehow.

It's a haunting start, and one worries for the older woman in the back of the car, alone, apparently unable to look after herself. If I liked literary fiction about characters which at first sight seem miserable, and if the first 13 could be fixed up, I'd read on.

I hope this helps,
Pat


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Sara Genge
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Good, I think.
Same as I said with the last story: dunno why this is literary. Maybe it's a metastructure thing that doesn't show in the first thirteen: that's cool. As long as you know what you're doing.

No nits to pick.


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