This is the beginning of a story that I fully outlined and characterized this evening. It's fantasy and what you see is just about all I've actually written yet (126 of 153 words).

Thanks in advance for your input.

Ailith Bar’un pulled her cowl low around her head as she moved through the crowded market. The visiting caravan had attracted most of the small town’s inhabitants in search of rare goods and reasonably priced essentials. The bustling crowd made the market more dangerous for her than normal. The mere sight of her elven heritage would infuriate the locals.
Catching sight of Aonghus, a young brute that she knew would expose her disguise if he saw her, she stepped up to a merchant’s rickety booth and pretended to eye his wares. She quickly dismissed the plump merchant when he asked to help her choose one of the blades he had for sale.
Casually, she lifted one of the blades and turned it over in her hand.

Anthony

quote:

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Ailith Bar’un pulled her cowl low around her head as she moved through the crowded market. The visiting caravan [What visiting caravan?] had attracted most of the small town’s [What's the town's name?] inhabitants [in search of rare goods and reasonably priced essentials<--[This goes without saying.]. The bustling crowd made the market more dangerous for her than normal. The mere sight of her elven [heritage<--[You mean "features", right? If not, then explain what a "heritage" looks like. And an "elf" is automatically cliche in a fantasy market, so you better have the story vastly different, and mighty special, if you want to sell it.] would infuriate the locals [Why?].
Catching sight of Aonghus, a young brute that she knew would expose her disguise if he saw her, she stepped up to a merchant’s rickety booth and [pretended to eye his wares<--[How do you pretend to look at something? Maybe "made a show of inspecting..."]. She [quickly dismissed<--[Find a stronger verb and ditch the adverb.] the plump merchant when he [asked to help her choose one of the<--[Maybe be more direct: tried to hawk his] blades [he had for sale<--And then you can trim this, too.].
Casually, she lifted one of the [blades<--Sword? Knife? "Blades" twice in two sentences is redundant and really does not clarify the scene.] and turned it over in her hand.

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Nice voice.

My major problems are:

1) Is she known in this town? It alludes to that fact with the mention of Aonghus (which I don't know how to pronounce), but cofuses me by saying that the townsfolk would cause her harm if they knew she was an elf.

2) A cowl does not completely obscure someone. It makes them seem like they're hiding something, if there is no cause for it to be up, and is thwarted as camouflage if someone sees them up close (which the merhcant did when she dismissed him, yet said nothing).

3) It lacks a hook. Why should I care about this elf? In a short story, there has to be some hint of a problem that needs to be resolved, or that I can reasonably believe it's not going to be a wonderful description of a place. I need to know who they are and why they are there.

My advice would be to finish the story and then see if you started too soon or too late. Until it's finished you don't know what all is going on.

I hope this helps.

To be honest I've had some trouble starting this story. This is my second attempt and I feel better about it than the first but as you point out there are still some holes.

Rather than expose the plot here I will do as you suggest. Finish the story and then see where it shakes out. Your quests are good ones and perhaps the answers are really too complicated for a short story to begin with.

I'm not sure.

Thanks again for the crit.

*** EDIT ***

Wow IB! I totally missed all of the very helpful input you added in the quotes. Fantastic stuff. I'll look into what you have mentioned.

*** END EDIT ***

Anthony

Bruce Holland Rogers--Writers of the Future winner, and winner of a Pushcart, 2 Nebulas and the Bram Stoker award--has an article at the free flash fiction ezine Flash Fiction Online called You'll know It When You See It that defines a bit of the short-short story. In the article, he quotes Kate Wilhelm (I've paraphrased):

quote:

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A novel is a house where the reader is invited to explore every room, right down to snooping in the closets. Novels are discursive, apt to take side trips.

A short story is a single room in the house that invites the reader to lean in through the open window and see what’s happening. Stories are artificially limited.

A short-short (Flash) requires that a reader kneel outside of a locked door to peer in through the keyhole.

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Keeping that in mind, may help you determine what you want to format the story as. (It's an excellent article, and I'd edvise you read it for yourself.)

Once again, I hope this helps.

I knocked out about 900 words last night and hope to get some more written today.

What is the protocol on rewrites. I changed my 13 lines based on many of IB's suggestions. Should I repost them here, start a new thread or just wait until the draft is complete?

I like it, and I think there is definitely a "hook" (although I'm not big on "hooks)-the simple fact we know the person is an elf, in a place where elves are not liked. Thats enough to get me interested.

If you edit the first post, newcomers to the thread can't tell which comments apply to which version and thus can't make sense of what's going on.

I've decided I won't report until the first draft is complete. Then I'll try and solicit people to read the whole pile of drivel.

Although a couple unfortunate individuals have already volunteered. They know not what they've done.

I know mine's better when I'm feeling good. If my character has to save the world, how can I imagine her attitude if I'm thinking, oh gosh, this is drivel, nobody will willingly suspend disbelief?

And yes, good idea to get the first draft done before worrying too much more about the first 13.