posted
Feedback on just the first 13 lines please:
***
At the corner store you can buy a loaf of bread for fifty kopeks, but too often the clerk doesn’t have the correct change, if not for that, the store would be nice. It is on the way home from the park, so I go.
“Citizen,” I say, “how much for a bottle of milk today?”
“A ruble twenty, grandpa Kolya, same as everyday, a ruble twenty,” she says. She’s in a mood today, I won’t ask about the price of bread.
“Doesn’t hurt to ask, I’ll take the milk and a loaf of white bread, that’s one seventy,” I say, handing her two rubles. Correct change—she wants me to go, no small talk today. I raise the milk in a goodbye gesture as I leave the store.
posted
I would read on, but I would expect something really soon to arise from this seemingly mundane situation in a somewhat interesting world--simply because I liked the voice.
posted
I really like it. I think you've nailed some good dialogue on here and I am interested in where this character is going, and the significance of this store.
Maybe the hook isn't bombastic, but maybe Bent Tree is waiting for the missiles to drop?
I like it,I like the language and would read on. I would like to know a bit more about what the story is about though.
posted
Great voice. Your first sentence is a run-on, but that is easily fixed with a semi-colon.
"At the corner store you can buy a loaf of bread for fifty kopeks, but too often the clerk doesn’t have the correct change; if not for that, the store would be nice."
I am already hooked into this story and would love to read it when it's done.
posted
I enjoyed this opening. It's subtle and quiet, but I'm certain bad things are happening out there if the economy is so unstable. Trying to survive Communist Soviet Union, right? Interested to see how Kolya manages to get by. And BentTree is right, the voice is charming. I would certainly keep reading.
The only thing that struck me as out of place, was the first phrase in the last paragraph: "Doesn't hurt to ask," simply b/c he already had the thought that he wouldn't ask. The dialog may read more strongly if this is cut.
posted
Apart from the run on sentence in line one I thought it was great. Good use of dialogue and good establishment of tone from the narration.
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