posted
It’s cold out here where there is no sun. Without the sun people are cut loose from what have been staples of time: day, night, dusk, sunrise, seasons. The sameness tears apart the human soul. We were never meant to live like this. Somebody else was. It’s their home but we’re living inside it now. The sign was an old one: Chinese characters above the alien script and now ParaEnglish sandwiched inbetween for the latest bunch of intruders making a home in the twisting tunnels and caverns of the once abandoned space station. “You’ll find hot water down the hall,” the guide said. The group of welders and electricians trailing him were subdued in the presence of so much alien work. “We’ve fitted up a serviceable bath facility for you there. Your rooms are these
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited August 11, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 11, 2008).]
It's well written, but maybe not quite as enticing as I thought it could be.
Personally, I'm not a fan of the omniscent narrator (if I've got my technical terms right) that's employed in the 1st paragraph. It feels odd when you switch to the description in the 2nd paragraph. I do like the little foreshadowing of "We were never meant to live like this. Somebody else was. It’s their home but we’re living inside it now" but I still felt a little drawn out of the story.
Another personal preference I have is to see a protagonist to follow in the opening. You might introduce him soon, but right now I don't have a character to follow, only a setting. I always prefer reading character driven stories and having the setting being a bonus.
Other than these nits, I thought it was an interesting start as I like the foreshadowing that arises from opening.
I read this yesterday and mulled over it. I can't find anything wrong with your first 13 but it still doesn't feel quite right. I am intrigued but your opening feels incomplete. I think it's because your opening line is missing. This would have a greater impact if you wrote one line, by itself, that sums it all up. something like.
I like Snapper's idea. It would require you to rewrite it in first person, but I really like the ominous air it adds to proceedings (which is what really intrigued me about your opening).
posted
I also liked this, but it reminds me a little of the end of Ender's Game or Ender's Shadow. I'd keep reading as long as it didn't seem to be copying either of these.
Question about 1st person - "We..." - Isn't this actually 2nd person? - I catch myself using it a lot, but all the books on writing warn to "stay away from it."
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited August 14, 2008).]
posted
I liked it. I don't think it is unusual to have an omniscient first paragraph to set the stage. I think <trimming> some non-essential words might help the readability.
It’s cold <out here >where there is no sun. Without the sun people are cut loose from <what have been >staples of time: day, night, dusk, sunrise, seasons. <The >sameness tears apart the human soul. We were never meant to live like this. Somebody else was. It’s their home but we’re living inside it now.
posted
Actually, if I'm ripping off anything it's an old Ace D-series novel called SANCTUARY IN THE SKY. Loved that, but I'm only copying the idea of people living in a station built by some other race. Mine's far more alien -- non human -- and it's still in the basic level of being made liveable. But I loved the hidden accesses and all. The secrets...I should go back and read SANCTUARY. It's been forty years since I read it as a kid.
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quote:This is an interesting question, because "we" is grammatically first person, but in a story, it can be second person as well.
Kathleen
When I initially read snapper's suggestion, I interpreted it as if the narrator was referring to "we" as the human race. Reading it again, with the first 13, I can see that "we" is referring to the narrator and the others on the station.
Thanks for clearing that up.
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited August 15, 2008).]
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