I’ve completed this story and I’m hoping looking for critters for the whole thing within a week. It’s approximately 6,100 words at the moment.
This story is going to be presented at a writer’s retreat next week and I want this to be the best sample of my writing it can be.
As such, I’m interested in getting any critiques regarding where I’ve violated POV, used flabby writing, withheld information from the reader and all those other writing sins I frequently indulge in.
As always, I'm happy to respond to requests for critiques.
Regards and thanks,
Nick
Original first thirteen
quote: Five of us are riding in the back of Bobby’s car, an authentic 2018 Honda with the chassis all restored and shiny. The tinny stereo blares while Bobby talks about killing his papa. “Zack, me old man hit me again, gonna kill the bastard,” he says to me. A large bruise rings his eye like a coffee cup stain. Bobby could have the bruise removed, but this personality template seems to like the way it looks.
“I want to kill the bastard. You gonna help me ain’t you Zack?” He fixes me with a hard look. Christ, I hate his current personality. I don’t wanna kill no one, but this Bobby won’t take no for an answer.
New first thirteen
When Bobby first mentioned killing his father, five of us were riding in his authentic 2018 Honda, three in the back seat and me up front. "Zack, I want to kill my father. I hate him," he said. A large bruise circled Bobby’s eye like a coffee cup stain. It would be easy to remove the bruise, but his downloaded personality meme seemed to like the way it looked. "You gonna help me kill him ain't you?" he said and then fixed me with a hard look. Christ, I hated that personality meme. I never wanted to kill anyone, but that particular Bobby wouldn’t take no for an answer. “Where was this urge when my dad was still alive? Would’ve made me a lot happier,” I said. “I like your Dad. I talked to him last week,” he replied.
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited September 04, 2008).]
posted
Cool stuff here. I would definitely read on just to find out what the personality template stuff is all about. Thoughts on the 13:
Five of us are riding in the back of Bobby’s car, an authentic 2018 Honda with the chassis all restored and shiny. nice, I know it's the future, I know I'm in a car, I know there are at least two people there.
The tinny stereo My mind read this as "tiny stereo". Maybe because stereos themselves aren't tinny, speakers are. Could be just me, but you might want to switch the order of this sentence to put the word "tinny" after the word "sounded" or "blared their tinny background noise" or something.
blares while Bobby talks about killing his papa. If the speakers were blaring, would he be audible. Would he need to be shouting?
“Zack, me old man hit me again, gonna kill the bastard,” he says to me. A large bruise rings his eye like a coffee cup stain. Bobby could have the bruise removed, but this personality template seems to like the way it looks. nice
“I want to kill the bastard. You gonna help me ain’t you Zack?” He fixes me with a hard look. Christ, I hate his current personality. I don’t wanna kill no one, but this Bobby won’t take no for an answer. no complaints.
[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited August 28, 2008).]
Just one quesiton, is this a really big car, cause I've been in a back seat of a car with 4 other people and it's pretty crammed. As in people have to lay across each other or sit in strange positions. Or because it's a car from the future is it designed differently then today's cars?
posted
I like it. Sounds good and the Pov/Tense isn't distracting... yet.
The only think I don't care for is that he say's 'kill the bastard' twice in a row. This might be intentional, but most people wouldn't say the same thing in exactly the same way like that.
Thanks for your feedback so far, it's highly appreciated. I've ended up re-writing it in 1st person, past tense as I know I don't have the skills to tackle the present tense (as for any other kind of writing, I'm undecided). I'll post a new opening once the whole story is completed.
Nice pick-up with the five people in the back as well. It was intended to be five people in total, three in the back.
posted
If this was my piece, I'd have a lot more than just two paragraphs due to the dialogue. Maybe something like this:
When Bobby first mentioned killing his father, five of us were riding in his authentic 2018 Honda, three in the back seat and me up front.
"Zack, I want to kill my father. I hate him," he said. A large bruise circled Bobby’s eye like a coffee cup stain. It would be easy to remove the bruise, but his downloaded personality meme seemed to like the way it looked. "You gonna help me kill him ain't you?" [he said and then](replace this with "He") fixed me with a hard look. Christ, I hated that personality meme. I never wanted to kill anyone, but that particular Bobby wouldn’t take no for an answer.
[I'd start a new paragraph when the dialogue changes to a different person.]:
“Where was this urge when my dad was still alive? Would’ve made me a lot happier,” I said.
“I like your Dad. I talked to him last week,” he replied.
posted
Gosh, it's been a week since you first posted. I hope you were able to get enough crits in time for your writer's retreat. Sorry to come to the party late.
Anyway, here's my two cents' worth:
When Bobby first mentioned killing his father, five of us were riding in his authentic 2018 Honda, three in the back seat and me up front. "Zack, I want to kill my father. I hate him," he said.These opening two lines feel kind of clumsy to me. First, mentioning "authentic 2018 Honda" means little to me, though it does set us well in the future. I feel like it could have a little more life to it, though, as an opening line. The reference in the previous version to the chassis was a bit cliched but at least brought the car to life a little bit. Otherwise, it's just a brand name thrown out there. But then, I'm really not into cars , so maybe I just don't get it. The second line, also falls flat. I get this guy's a robot, but it's such a flat, blah statement. Is there any way to characterize him a little better? I'm really not pulled in my it. I guess it feels too functional. Especially because he starts speaking with an affectation later--"ain't, gonna," etc. A large bruise circled Bobby’s eye like a coffee cup stain. It would be easy to remove the bruise, but his downloaded personality meme seemed to like the way it looked. "You gonna help me kill him ain't you?" he said and then fixed me with a hard look. Christ, I hated that personality meme. I never wanted to kill anyone, but that particular Bobby wouldn’t take no for an answer.Okay, this is hooking me. “Where was this urge when my dad was still alive? Would’ve made me a lot happier,” I said. “I like your Dad. I talked to him last week,” he replied.
Over all, I was tempted to move on after the opening two lines. I am hooked by the idea of the personality memes. I'm not so hooked by the idea of these robot things being killers, but I'm guessing death has a different meaning somehow. I would probably turn the page.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited September 06, 2008).]
posted
Do you want more readers? If so, send it along. I will probably be able to get it back to you in a couple days.
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