posted
This is a heavily reworked version of my 3Q WotF entry. It was originally 9500 words and now is 6900.
I like to hear about the first 13 and I'd love some readers for the full piece. Thanks for reading.
quote:BAM! BAM! Someone pounded on the door.
Arkanis shifted his eyes from his reading. If he ignored them, perhaps they would leave. The door shuddered again, this time with more force. His back creaked when he rose to greet his guest. He hadn’t moved in hours. After picking his way between stacks of books and stands piled with scrolls, he cracked it open and peered into the antechamber beyond.
“What?”
A wiry young man stood in the doorway, bald-headed and wearing a broad smile. “Ye’ll be let’n me in if ye know what’s good for ye,” said Kris.
Arkanis let the door swing wide and the man marched past him, carrying a large pack.
posted
This is definitely a genre that I am partial to. That said, there was enough here that tripped me up that I probably would not read on. Some thoughts:
BAM! BAM!(right off the bat, the spelling out of sounds felt like a comic book or something. You could just describe the sound.) Someone pounded on the door.
Arkanis (Names are hard, I know. This one feels pretty cliched.) shifted his eyes from his reading(shifted them to what? The door?). If he ignored them, perhaps they would leave. The door shuddered again, [this time]-cut with more force. His back creaked when he rose to greet his guest(small nit, he's really rising to walk to the door, the greeting is several actions away.). He hadn’t moved in hours(Why not show us how this feels, rather than telling us.). After picking his way between stacks of books and stands piled with scrolls, he cracked it("the door", this "it" is kind of hanging out there) open and peered into the antechamber beyond.
“What?”
A wiry young man stood in the doorway, bald-headed and wearing a broad smile. “Ye’ll be let’n me in if ye know what’s good for ye,” said Kris.(Would "You'll be lettin me in, if you know whats good for you" ruin it? Because I had a hard time reading this as is.)
Arkanis let the door swing wide and the man marched past him, carrying a large pack.
I know that seems like a lot of criticism, but I really wanted to read on just on setting and subject alone. The hook is there.
[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited September 08, 2008).]
posted
I agree with alliedfive about the first line. And, out of curiosity, does Arkanis know Kris? When he's first referred to as "a young man," I took that to mean a stranger, and again when he's referred to as "a man." It confused me a little bit.
You've definitely caught my interest, and I'd be willing to read it.
[This message has been edited by BoredCrow (edited September 08, 2008).]
posted
Hmmm...overall, I’d say that nothing interesting happens here. Someone pounding on the door is interesting. I don’t know that you really need the bam bam. It's probably my taste, but...I want something interesting to happen. Something to make me worry/care about what's happening to the pov. I think this could work if you had more interesting details(?) or something.
Someone pounded on the door.
Arkanis shifted his eyes from his reading. If he ignored them, perhaps they would leave.
I think right here there is the possibility of communication. A’s resisting the intrusion and the unknown’s insistence. Haven’t you ever been in position? What did you do? Hunch down and burrow deeper into your book
Then the intruder raises the stakes? “I know you’re in there.” Followed by something for the reader of the story to worry about. “I know what you did last night!” Or whatever suits the story but that promises an interesting scene. Just having A get up and let him in is diffusing the possible tension.
The door shuddered again, this time with more force.
Now there is something going on. Tension?
Show us something reactive, more reactive?
Arkanis snapped his book shut. “Go away.” He waited. For a few moments it seemed to work. Then came a ___ at the window near his chair. He grumbled and got up. The curtains were drawn, hiding him. He walked over to the window and stood there listening....
Yes, mine is more violent and ominous. Does it raise more questions? Does it raise a reader’s interest more drawing him into the story?
Someone pounded on the door.
Arkanis shifted his eyes from his reading. If he ignored them, perhaps they would leave. He hunched down and focused harder on his book.
“I know you’re in there. I know what you did last night!”
The door shuddered again, this time with more force.
Arkanis snapped his book shut. “Go away.” He waited. For a few moments it seemed to work. Then came a rough scraping at the window near his chair. He grumbled and got up. The curtains were drawn, hiding him. He walked over to the window and stood there listening....
- Alliedfive: Very helpful crit. Lots of useful information. I was on the fence about toning down the dialogue. I also got rid of the 'sound effect' at the beginning. Comic book is right. That is how it felt.
- BoredCrow: I'm sending the story out to you. Thanks for offering to read.
quote:Arkanis shifted his eyes from the tome in his lap to his study door. An unexpected visitor pounded on the other side. If he ignored them, perhaps they would leave, he thought. The door shuddered again with greater force. His back creaked from hours of research, when he rose to meet his caller. After picking his way between stacks of books and stands piled with scrolls, he cracked the door and peered into the antechamber beyond.
“What?”
A familiar young man stood in the doorway, bald-headed and wearing a broad smile. “You’ll be let’n me in if you know what’s good for you,” said Kris.
Arkanis let the door swing wide and Kris marched past him, carrying a large pack.
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