Another hack-job I'm trying to piece together before my writing retreat. Comments on the 1st 13 greatly appreciated and I'd love readers for the whole thing if possible. I have to send it out to the other participants by next Friday 19th, so I'd need comments by the 17th I guess (I know, I know, I'm pushing it).

It's around 3000 words.

Regards,

Nick
Original thirteen

quote:

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Jacob was the first to see the body of the woman floating down the river. The older men had been digging up the new harvest of girls and they'd been digging for hours. Jacob had grown bored with wondering whether his first girl would be pretty and whether she’d live more than a month and had started looking around.

The ground had been dry and hard and a great cloud of dust hung in the air. By the time he saw the body, they’d reached the feet of the girls and started to excavate gently around their buried forms. At the edge of the pit, the old men stood with baby boys resting on their hips. The old men grunted as the wriggling feet of the girls were slowly revealed.

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Latest 13

quote:

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Jacob was the only one to see the body of the woman floating down the river. The adults had been digging up the new harvest of girls for hours and he'd grown bored. He’d been daydreaming about his first girl and how long she’d live, but then he’d started looking around. He spotted the body just as the men had reached the wriggling toes of the new girls.
At first he'd thought the body was a dead animal. It bobbed slowly, trapped in the middle of tangled raft of broken tree branches. He glimpsed a flash of chalk-white flesh. Something about the way the body sat in the water made him think it was human, though he could not say why.
Just after he spotted it, the body became lodged on the exposed roots of a riverside tree and became hidden from view.

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Jacob was the first to see the body of the woman floating down the river Okay, I'll bite. I want to know more about this woman. The older men had been digging up the new harvest of girls and they'd been digging for hours Creepy, unexpected. I'm hooked. Jacob had grown bored with wondering whether his first girl would be pretty and whether she’d live more than a month and had started looking around.Fantastic sequence. The hook sinks in. I'm yours.

The ground had been dry and hard and a great cloud of dust hung in the air. By the time he saw the body, they’d reached the feet of the girls and started to excavate gently around their buried forms Okay, I'm building anticipation. I'm eater and expecting to learn more about this dead lady. I'm a bit confused by the contrast between dry land and river, but that's cool.. At the edge of the pit, the old men stood with baby boys resting on their hips. The old men grunted as the wriggling feet of the girls were slowly revealed. Okay, by this time I feel like you've steered off course. I'm thinking, huh? What about the dead lady that's floating right there? I;m interested to know about this stuff, but at the moment, what's got my attention is the dead lady. I'm tempted to skip this stuff just so I can find out more. Presumably these buried girls are going to be important to the story, and I do want to know more about them, but I think you have to dole out the information carefully. Right now, it almost feels like a distraction, because it's setting for the MC, but not the main event. You've already hooked me with the main event. I can wait a bit to learn more about the excavation. I suggest sticking to the main event and letting the setting leak in.

Thanks. As always, good stuff.

Do you mind changing the title to "Blossom F about 3000 words"?

Many, many thanks,

Regards,

Sent from my hotmail address (in case it goes into junk mail).

Many, many thanks,