quote:It’s all about the rope. Too short, and a person dies slowly, suffocating to death. Too long and you’re running the risk of decapitation. Rex cut the rope and lowered the body. He held Melanie Insons' limp form in his arms and averted his eyes from the dingy white sack over her face. Johns Stone stepped forward and Rex met his cold, calculating eyes. Johns put a hand under the sack and looked sternly at the scaffold planks for a count of thirty. Johns walked to the front and center of the scaffold stage and announced, “Let it be known to all, that Melanie Insons has been hanged by the neck until dead for crimes against Her Majesty, the Queen. May God have mercy on her soul.”
Revision 1:
quote:It’s all about the rope. Too short, and a person dies in slow agony. Too long and there is the possibility of decapitation. Rex gently lowered Melanie Insons’ limp body. He gathered her form into his arms. Without Mel, living would be just be the necessary route to death, Rex thought as he waited. Johns Stone stepped forward. The eyes of the Royal Medical Examiner fit his profession. Rex met the man’s cold, efficient nod of acknowledgement but turned away when Johns put his hand to Melanie's bruised neck. The world waited as Johns Stone ticked off a thirty count. Johns addressed the upturned face of the crowd,"Let it be known to all,
Bad news. I upped my word count in revision. I need to go the OTHER way!
[This message has been edited by Reagansgame (edited September 16, 2008).]
posted
I like the first two lines. Very nice way to establish a tone and a hook.
Not so sure about it after that. I'd be interested to know when/where this is set. "Hanged by the neck for crims against the Queen" makes it sound very British, and puts it in the reign of Eizabeth I, Anne, or Victoria. I wouldn't connect the name Melanie with any of those periods; Rex is certainly possible for late Victorian times. The rapid introduction of three names without much context I found confusing - who are these people and what is their relationship to one another? If any of them are officials, I'd expect the use of a title rather than forename/surname. Of course, this could be fantasy, but there's nothing to flag that up so far.
I'd read on, but the name use has sounded a note of significant caution.
quote:Too long and you’re running the risk of decapitation.
Because you used "you're," I'm expecting a personable, probably light tone. I think the rest of the opening is not light in the least.
I read it three times before realizing the hanging had already happened. I think because you open with a discussion of selecting a rope, I assumed when Rex cut the rope he was preparing for the hanging.
quote:He held Melanie Insons' limp form in his arms
As opposed to what? Of course it's in his arms. Cut that phrase.
"Put a hand" = reached
"front and center" = front
quote:Rex cut the rope and lowered the body. He held Melanie Insons' limp form in his arms and averted his eyes from the dingy white sack over her face. Johns Stone stepped forward and Rex met his cold, calculating eyes. Johns put a hand under the sack and looked sternly at the scaffold planks for a count of thirty. Johns walked to the front and center of the scaffold stage and announced,
Every one of these sentences is constructed the same. "Character did this and this." Separate some (or all) of these images. Aside from the barrage of this structure being distracting, it also makes it a little tougher to read. When a single sentence has three or four things for the reader to visualize, it gets tough. Sometimes one thing at a time helps. Also, if you have the image of Rex meeting Johns' eyes in sentence with other images, it weakens the image. Strong images deserve their own sentence.
quote::Rex cut the rope and lowered the body. He held Melanie Insons' limp form in his arms and averted his eyes from the dingy white sack over her face. Johns Stone stepped forward and Rex met his cold, calculating eyes. Johns put a hand under the sack and looked sternly at the scaffold planks for a count of thirty. Johns walked to the front and center of the scaffold stage and announced...
Every one of these sentences is constructed the same. "Character did this ..."
I agree with the above, and think it is the weakest part of the intro. It feels almost like stage directions.
John did this... Rex did this He did this
You must vary your structures or it gets repetitive.
An example:
Rex sliced the rope, taking her limp, still-warm body in his arms. The white hood covering her face made it all seem unreal--like it wasn't even her. Rex looked up as John Stone...
Apart from that I can see no hook. I am not really interested in what she did as she is dead. There seems to be no unanswered questions. Rex seems a little squeamish for an executioner, but it doesn't appear he care for Melanie as the clinical statement you made at the begining seems to negate that. He may have some issues with the cold and calculating (calculating what? reserve that for when you want to imply a character is calculating something the reader may know about) John Stone, but it is not enough of a hook.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited September 11, 2008).]
posted
Hey man, I like the intro. You probably don't even need to add ", suffocating to death" I think it would be even more to the point to leave it "dies slowly." I also like the way you started it in 2nd person, and for short stories sometimes 2nd/1st person works best. You might even try converting it to a first person perspective, fulfilling the perspective of Rex. At least give it a shot and see how you like it. It would keep things simple and prevent you from having to do too much characterization, letting the reader feel the EVENT, which is what this story seems to be about, it's what drives the plot in many short stories. So I guess in ending, definitely give first person a try and maybe use names less and once you've used one, if it's the same character taking the action, use he/she. I tend to overuse my characters names too b/c I start to look at each sentence individually as a writer >< and lose sight of the paragraph hehe. But kudos I want to read! Sorry for the confetti-like use of commas, I type like I talk
P.S. You may not even want to use the hanged girls name until it's proclaimed, unless she is a critical character in the story -- I mean if you/rex do/does this all the time and you start with that sort of impersonal matter-of-fact tone, it would seem to make sense. Good luck!
[This message has been edited by Mumbles16 (edited September 11, 2008).]
posted
Hmmm, how to connect the catchy first two lines to the rest? And who is Rex, the hangman? Maybe: "Rex knew it was all about the rope..." and "He was especially careful with the ladies, to get the knot just right." I don't know; tricky.
What does Rex think of all this? There’s an indication when he averts his eyes, but could I have another nibble? I get Johns, harsh guy.
You gonna show us a re-write? I know you can fix it
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited September 11, 2008).]
posted
I pretty much agree with what everyone else said. Those frist two lines were dynamite and you should build on that. Even if you change the next paragraph so it would flow better it is going to be difficult to attach it to those opening lines without it clashing. You started with this gruesome, detached anatomy lesson and jolted us into a Law and Order episode. If you could blend the two together so it isn't so jarring I think you would have a home run instead of the sharp single you hit. Maybe try something like...
quote:It’s all about the rope. Too short, and a person dies slowly, suffocating to death. Too long and you’re running the risk of decapitation. Rex cut the rope and lowered the body. He held Melanie Insons' limp form in his arms and inspected the red burn mark on her neck under the dingy white sack over her face. Snapped vertabrate, crushed breathing passage, constricted jugglar: Yep, it did its job.
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