quote:“So,” Randy shouted over the loud pulsating music. “What do you think?”
“You were right, man. This is amazing.” We stood on the second floor balcony of the Number Five club, an underground hive of nearly naked dancers. Even Randy’s liberal description hadn’t prepared me for the writhing sea of sweat soaked flesh undulating before us.
Below I saw heavily muscled lizard men with big toothy grins standing near the exits and wandered among the oblivious dancers below. On some level I knew these were just ordinary security personnel dressed up by the virus in my head, but they looked terrifying.
Lights and fireworks erupted in midair showering everyone and I
Anthony
[This message has been edited by AWSullivan (edited September 13, 2008).]
Cut the word "loud" from the first sentence. If Randy is yelling over it, I know it's loud.
"Below I saw" is unnecessary. You're in the first person, I know that anything you describe is what your character is seeing. Use stronger sentence construction.
A virus in your head that makes you see lizards instead of people is a great hook.
posted
Good start. The part that intrigues me most is: "dressed up by the virus in my head." I'm not sure what that means, but it's enough to keep me reading.
I do suggest trimming the fat. Some words I found unnecessary: -- loud pulsating music (Loud can go.) -- writhing sea of sweat soaked flesh undulating before us (End it with flesh. You need to say writhing and undulating. Also sweat-soaked should be hyphenated.) -- Below I saw heavily muscled lizard men with big toothy grins standing near the exits (Words to dump: Below I saw, heavily, big and standing.)
posted
Yes, that's what I meant. You don't need both words because they convey the same meaning. I need to stop typing so fast.
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posted
You can simply edit your post to say exactly what you mean to say. You don't need to make a new post explaining a typo. If you look above your post you will see a small symbol like a pen a paper--click it.
posted
Thanks for the helpful replies. Here is an updated First 13.
quote: “So,” Randy shouted over the pulsating music. “What do you think?”
“You were right, man. This is amazing.” We stood on the second floor balcony of the Number Five club, an underground hive of nearly naked dancers. Even Randy’s liberal description hadn’t prepared me for the writhing sea of sweat soaked flesh.
Muscled lizard-men with toothy grins stood near the exits and wandered among the oblivious dancers below. On some level I knew these were just ordinary security personnel dressed up by the virus in my head, but they looked terrifying.
Lights and fireworks erupted in midair showering everyone and I felt a euphoric wave wash over me as the virus cranked up the dopamine levels of everyone in the club. A rainbow colored
Anthony
[This message has been edited by AWSullivan (edited September 13, 2008).]
I like this. I have no real major problems with the first 13, this does everything it needs to do.
One minor cut you could make is where you talk about the crowd below the first time, you don't need to talk about the lizard guards being below; it will be assumed. Other than that, I didn't see the need for any changes.
I'll read, but only after the next weekend, I'm out of action until then.
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