posted
This is a WIP. I'm 1500 words into it and I probably got 4000 words to go. Could you tell me if the opening works?
Everywhere Death looked on the battlefield a lesser being begged to die. The goddess’ hands reached out to end their misery. There was an ogre with a partially severed head, an elf impaled by a spear, and demons squashed by clubs. Everywhere, beings begged to die. Her hands never stopped. There were just too many dying mortals to service. Their groans and pleas frayed on the Goddess’s nerves. “What god is responsible for this war?” she asked the lesser deity that accompanied her. “None, the lesser beings started this one on their own. Jupiter’s free will edict has taken a firm hold on these creatures.” “Free will, another poorly thought brilliant idea.”
Revision:
Everywhere that Death looked, a mortal begged to die. There was an ogre with a partially severed head, an elf impaled by a spear, and a demon smashed by a club. Her hands never stopped. There were just too many dying mortals to service. Their groans and pleas frayed on the Goddess’s nerves. “What god is responsible for this war?” she asked the minor deity that accompanied her. “None, the lesser beings started this one on their own. Jupiter’s free will edict has taken a firm hold on these creatures.” “Free will, another poorly thought out brilliant idea.” “Careful, Goddess. We may walk among these creatures unseen but as long as we are on this lower plane, nothing will escape the
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited September 20, 2008).]
posted
“Free will, another poorly thought brilliant idea.”
Great hook--except it seems a little poorly thought through :-)
I'd suggest calling it a Free Will edict, with caps, to give it the pompous gravitas they seem to expect of Jupiter.
I'd also suggest fewer "lessers". I found myself having to distinguish carefully between lesser deities and lesser beings--which are also mortals, if I have it right.
Sounds like a gruesome story so, not being a grue lover, I'm not sure I'd read on. But if I were, I certainly would.
posted
I am a grue lover and would certainly read on. Looks like we might have a few philosophical musings about free will and determinism on the way as well, which is also a plus.
Is the goddess Death? I wasn't sure when I read it and still can't figure it out. A female grim reaper or other form of death as a female is a cool idea, if that's indeed what you're going for.
Goddess is capitalized in one sentence and not capitalized in another.
Not sure I care for the repeated usage of the words "lesser" and "being". I would consult my thesaurus on this one. Entities or mortals are two alternatives for beings that spring to mind.
"demons squashed by clubs"
Not sure squashed works for me here, but that might just be me. I do like the ogre with a partially severed head and the elf impaled by a spear though.
In my opinion, you can come up with a much better title for this story.
This looks like it has a ton of potential. Keep up the good work.
posted
The first paragraph I found to be rather repetitive. I get it. These creatures are begging to die. She's releasing them. Even if they are getting on her nerves do they have to get on ours, too?
The mixed mythology puts me off a bit. Elves, a Goddess of Death, and Jupiter? Seems like a melding of the Iliad and Lord of the Rings.
posted
Not to be contradictory, but I for one don't mind, and even enjoy, the mixing of various mythologies in stories. Maybe just a matter of taste, but I wouldn't abandon it if I were you. Sorry, Annepin. Please don't hate me!
I'm very interested to see how the next revision of this turns out. Best regards,
posted
In reference to the above post, I don't mind the melding of mythologies either. It's all about how you present it.
quote:Everywhere Death looked on the battlefield a lesser being begged to die. The goddess’ hands reached out to end their misery.
I'm pretty sure "the goddess" refers to Death here, but at first it wasn't clear, at least to me.
Also, I'm not liking the "ogres, elves, demons" sentence. I think it's too early to go into that kind of detail when what you're focusing on is how Death has her hands a bit too full with helping people pass into the next world.
Still, the dialog at the end was good, I'd have probably gone on reading.
quote:Not to be contradictory, but I for one don't mind, and even enjoy, the mixing of various mythologies in stories. Maybe just a matter of taste, but I wouldn't abandon it if I were you. Sorry, Annepin. Please don't hate me!
Not at all! But you're right--it's a matter of taste, and I think it wasn't a very constructive, or helpful comment, for our dear snapper here.
Snapper, I think the revision is much stronger. It takes care of the repetitiveness and moves the story forward.
"Her hands never stopped." I'm not sure that without reading the first revision we'd have known that "her" referred to Death, because "Goddess" comes later. In fact, for a moment, I thought "her" might refer to the demon.
posted
I agree, the second revision is much better. I can tell that the goddess and death are the same and the pacing is a lot "snappier." Haha.
One minor nit, can you give the lesser deity a name? Wouldn't the Goddess know it's name? I always think speaking characters should have some sort of title or name.
posted
I almost hesitate to throw this out, as no one else mentioned it. It might be my novel background versus short stories, but I find the frist 2 sentences, telling versus showing.
quote:Everywhere that Death looked, a mortal begged to die. There was an ogre with a partially severed head, an elf impaled by a spear, and a demon smashed by a club. Her hands never stopped. There were just too many dying mortals to service. Their groans and pleas frayed on the Goddess’s nerves.
If Death is your mc, or an important character of the piece, this would be a great place to ground us in her thoughts. You tell us death is everywhere, and then tell 3 instances, and that the cries are too much, and fray her nerves. I feel it could be a lot stronger if you showed us their cries, their pleas, an elf reaching out for her as she wove her way through the field of death, her hands imparting sweet relief in death, mercy(A great contradiction to what we are led to believe what death is.)
I feel you have a strong premesis here, it just feels like a summary versus a scene. Does that make sense?
posted
I dig it, but I do agree with Tiergan that it feels like distant narration until the dialogue starts. Maybe just throw in a sensation that Death experiences to plant us more in her POV (if you are intending to be in her POV). Some more thoughts:
Everywhere [that]- Do you need this? Death looked, a mortal begged to die. [There was]- Maybe instead of "There was" you could say "she saw" to make it more active and get us in her head more.
an ogre with a partially severed head, an elf impaled by a spear, and a demon smashed by a club This made me think a giant club smashed the demon Python style.
Her hands never stopped.Nice
There were just too many dying mortals to service.Don't think you need this sentence, it's implied already.
Their groans and pleas frayed on the Goddess’s nerves. “What god is responsible for this war?” she asked the minor deity that accompanied her. “None, the lesser beings started this one on their own. Jupiter’s free will edict has taken a firm hold on these creatures.” I think replacing "these creatures" with "them" would make this read smoother, since we know who he's talking about.
“Free will, another poorly thought out brilliant idea.” I like this, but I did have to read it slowly.
“Careful, Goddess. We may walk among these creatures unseen but as long as we are on this lower plane, nothing will escape the
posted
The mishmash of dieties and mythologies has me very interested. I've never seen a truely henotheistic story. I can see it all now; Thor tangling with Dagon with Rah looking on. Your POV character sounds like Kali, which came to mind the moment you said her hands were always moving. By all means tag a name on everyone. The pantheons of the world are your oyster, have at it. Very, very cool idea you have here. Are some of the gods mad becasue monotheism has crowded them out? Is that what's causeing these wars, gods with no jobs wandering like ronin through the astral plane? Zeus must be way-pissed.
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posted
I like your premise....I like myth....the hook for me is where is he going is this going to be a mythology with death as your MC? Will there be humans involved and will one of them be a MC or will they provide fodder for death? please continue this...I had no problem getting a mind picture of a battlefield....good starting scene that can be embellished not so much in the gore area as in what standards might be present more of whether there is smoke rising time of day etc nice job
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posted
One more thing. The title would make more sense as:
A Fate Worse Than Death.
("Than is used for comparatives; "then" indicates a chronological sequence, as in, first this, then that. Sorry if all this is a typo, but it's a common enough error I thought I'd point it out, just in case!)
As for marketability--there's lots of markets still out there. I bet you'll find a home for this one.
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