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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » "Mage Gold" - 9,810 words

   
Author Topic: "Mage Gold" - 9,810 words
C L Lynn
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Shade Starling clung to the side of the manse, four stories above Mytra Boulevard. The spider's web infused into her snug black gloves left a silvery trail in the moonlight, leading up from the ground floor. The narrow window lay within reach. The lozenge-shaped panes glowed softly red and gold from a light deep within the house.
Shade detached a sticky toe from the wall; thick silver strands of web stretched with the wide sidestep. Screwing her toe into a chink in the mortar, Shade felt the web secure her to the wall. A hand to the window ledge. The other foot, and she was there. She nudged the window. Locked, as she suspected. With her teeth, she unbuttoned a glove, slid her fingers free and left the glove stuck to the wall, where it resembled a large tarantula.
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This is the first story of several that will concern the early career of a feisty female blackmarket thief. Hoping for readers who will take a look at the whole story. THANKS!

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alliedfive
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Shade Starling cool name, a bit pulpy, but I think that't what you're going for clung to the side of the manse, four stories above Mytra Boulevard. Cool opener

The spider's web infused into her snug black gloves left a silvery trail in the moonlight, leading up from the ground floor.Cool image

The narrow window lay within reach. The lozenge-shapedawkward, and made me stop, how about just "oval" or "round"

panes glowed softly red and gold from a light deep within the house.

Shade detached a sticky toe from the wall; thick silver strands of web stretched with the wide sidestep. Screwing her toe into a chink in the mortar, Shade felt the web secure her to the wall.
We know she has to detach her toe in order to screw it into something, and we already know about the sticky silver stuff, so how about just, "Shade extended a leg and screwed her toe into a chink in the mortar, feeling it secure her to the wall." or something, I'm sure you can do better.

A hand to the window ledge. The other foot, and she was there. She nudged the window. Locked, as she suspected. With her teeth, she unbuttoned a glove, slid her fingers free and left the glove stuck to the wall, where it resembled a large tarantula.Cool!

Overall, I liked the imagery and it sounded cool, but I don't really care all that much about her. There's no real hook, no reason to keep reading. She made it safely to the ledge. Maybe mention something about why there are high stakes for this theft for her personally (the only way I know for sure she's a thief is that you told me after your 1st 13). Hope that's not too harsh-sounding.


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Devnal
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I liked it alot too. Just a small comment - it does seem there is too much focus on her spider webby apparel.
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deebum25
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I liked the spider webby apparel, it implies a visual image for me of Spider Person, fit and lithe and able to take care of herself. True enough there's no hook in the beginning to tell me why I should care about her or keep reading but given the level of this writer I think it shouldn't be difficult to come up with the motivation of the main character. Keep going, you're doing great!
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monstewer
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Yeah, very good name

I thought this wasn't bad, I'd read on to see where Shade is going and why she's climbing up this building.

The writing is good, the only complaint I had was that last where it resembled a large tarantula. which I thought was weak and the sentence reads better without it.

And that's about it, looks good. It doesn't bother me that we see nothing of her personality so far, I'd be willing to wait a little longer to find out more about Shade herself.

And I owe you a couple of favours so I'd be happy to read the whole thing.

[This message has been edited by monstewer (edited November 08, 2008).]


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philocinemas
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I do not live in a large city, therefore I may be off on this point. Isn't four stories a little tall for a "house" in the city? I would think of that being more the size of an apartment or a condo.

You have a dangling participle in "...moonlight, leading up from the ground floor." - "leading..." has to refer to the last word.

I would also agree with alliedfive's comments and add that you have a MC named Shade who is hanging outside of a window. Is this on purpose - I found the wording a little confusing.

Otherwise, I liked it and would continue reading.


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C L Lynn
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Wow, thanks for the encouraging comments and great advice! I'll give the opening another look. I need to figure out what details to remove, so the "danger" comes sooner. Not kidding, the "hook" as most readers seem to interpret that term, comes two lines later. So remove some details, reorganize, both? Hmm...
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