I added a version C down a ways on 11/15. I hope it's an improvement from the problems pointed out.

This story is pretty much ready to kiss and send out the door on its own. But, a friend commented how the pov moves in and out of the MC’s head and the field of view ranges from wide to narrow, wide again, narrow again.

So, I’ve been fiddling and fiddling with the opening until I can’t see what I HAVE. Here are two versions. Which one is better?

If anyone would be willing, I'd love to have you read the complete story. It's about 7K words. A dark fantasy.

I'm skipping a line between paragraphs for clarity. Please don't count those as part of the 13.

Version A

Cory could no more sleep than could the sea. Its cold breath raised goosebumps along his bare arms while he sweated under his leather tunic. Crabs scuttled out of his path. He kicked aside a severed arm. Someone’s from the village, or a sea raider’s? Hard to tell.

Blue light flared behind him. Cory turned. Far off, on the promontory at the mouth of the bay, a blue flame rose halfway to the sky. It cast its eerie glow over the beach, the cliffs and the village above them. Cory shivered as he stared at the sight, feeling a pull. A vague desire to go see what caused it. When the flame faltered and vanished. Cory returned his attention to the beach. He was searching for something, something he could not name, only feel the lack of.

Version B

Cory could no more sleep than could the sea. Its cold breath raised goosebumps along his bare arms while he sweated under his leather tunic. He paced the beach, searching for something he could not name, only feel the lack of. Crabs scuttled out of his path. He kicked aside a severed arm. Someone’s from the village, or a sea raider’s? Hard to tell.

Far away, on the promontory at the mouth of the bay, blue light flared, casting its eerie glow over the beach, the cliffs and the village above them. Cory stared at the flame leaping above the rocks, shivered and turned his attention once again to the beach.

All the broken bits of swords and armor were gone, picked up by women from the village and carried away with their men’s

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited November 14, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 14, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited November 15, 2008).]

Out of the two I liked version A better. Version B felt a bit remote to me. At least in version A I get the sense of what he's feeling about the blue light.

The reason I said version C: The first line doesn't do much for me. Personally:

Cory was searching for something, something he could not name, only feel the lack of. The sea's cold breath raised goosebumps along his bare arms while he sweated under his leather tunic.

is a better hook for me. But that's just me. It also helps explain to me why he didn't investigate the blue light and why it was only a "vague desire."

Either version A or B is nice. As I said, I had a slight preference for A. I'd read but I owe three crits already and you want to send this out soon.

He paced the beach, searching for something he could not name, only feel the lack of.

as it was used in Version B. Also, this sentence might be better rephrased.

Good luck!

I'll vote for A.

I'd definitely cut the first line...the image of the sea not sleeping is not a particularly strong one and it's a line that I had to read twice.

I think the flow of opening "A" really improved once you got past the first two lines. The second line where the "cold breath" of the sea contrasted with his sweating under his leather tunic slowed me down as well. After that, I had no big issues.

But I would also recommend slightly modifying B. Forgive me a cut and paste of your text to show you what I mean? (the bold is where I attached two sentences rather clumsily together)

quote:

---

Far off, on the promontory at the mouth of the bay, a blue flame rose halfway to the sky. It cast its eerie glow over the beach, the cliffs and the village above them. Cory stared at the sight, feeling a pull. He shivered and turned his attention once again to the beach.

---

Oh, and I'm having a hard time envisioning the village being above the cliff. Is there another cliff? Or would 'beyond' or 'upon' be more fitting here?

Cory could no more sleep than could the sea. He paced the beach searching for something, something he could not name, only feel the lack of.

The sea’s cold breath raised goosebumps along his bare arms while he sweated under his leather tunic. Crabs scuttled out of his path. He kicked aside a severed arm. Someone’s from the village, or a sea raider’s? Hard to tell. The shattered bits of swords and armor were gone, picked up by women from the village and carried away with their men’s bodies. The spearheads had been taken, too. Just broken shafts remained from the battle this afternoon. Those, along with pieces of bodies, waited for the tide to come sweep the strand clean.

Light flared behind him. Cory turned. Far off, on the

Or is this better?
version c+1

Cory could no more sleep than could the sea. He paced the beach while the sea’s cold breath raised goosebumps along his bare arms. He sweated under his leather tunic. Sand sifted into his sandals. Still, he kept searching for something, something he could not name, only feel the lack of.

Light flared behind him. Cory turned. Far off, on the promontory at the mouth of the bay, a blue flame rose halfway to the sky. It cast its eerie glow over the beach, the cliffs, and the village. Cory shivered as he stared at the light, feeling a pull. A vague desire to go see what caused it. He shrugged and returned his attention to the beach.

Crabs scuttled out of his path. He kicked aside a severed arm. Someone’s from the village, or a sea raider’s? Hard to

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited November 15, 2008).]

I forgot to erase the sea's cold breath bit from the last paragraph after adding a version to the first paragraph.

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited November 15, 2008).]

I believe that many regard such arbitrary POV shifts as bad style, because popping out of MC's POV for a sentence or two can disturb the immersion within the MC's head that the reader feels. As I read those two sentences, immersed in Cory's POV, I thought, "If it flared behind him, how'd he know? What made him turn?" While the scene is painted well enough, we're not as close into the character's experience as we might be and the story becomes more remote.

I'm hoping that the fact he can't sleep clues the reader in that it's night.

Since he seems to be having no difficulty seeing things I assumed this was an early morning walk after a bad night's sleep, or maybe a walk under a bright moon.

Either way, I don't think he'd be immediately aware that light had flared behind him, just that light around him seems to have become brighter; then, he'd look around for the source, maybe notice the direction of the shadows, and discover it behind him.

But, if these comments aren't of value, you're free to ignore them of course; it's your story.

I can't just say that the light flared and in response he turned.

Actually there are beach fires burning. Small lights but this blue flame is definitly brighter. You'd notice it.

No, I don't like having to say he turned to see where it came from. Must be some other way out of this.

Umm... how about -- he searched the night for something...

or would -- the sea's cold night breath....

Get the idea of night in there?

Could I -- Light flared somewhere behind him -- ???

The problem is that he darn well knows what's causing a blue light there on the beach. That flame's been around flaring up and dying down for many days.

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited November 15, 2008).]

How dense of me!!!

Tonight, Cory could no more sleep than could the sea.

Okay - the light flaring.

If it's night, can't the blue light obliterate his vision for a second - like when the car coming at you has highbeams on and doesn't reduce them. Some tweaking of language should convey that he sees the light flare something around him and turns to find the source.
If he knows what it is, the reference to the blue light should be something like "the blue light cast by . . . "

They scurry around on the wet sand below the tidemark.
Maybe it's not a case of "write what you know" but rather write what you assume everyone else knows and find out different.

Lacks finesse as written, but could be reworked with a similar idea.

Tonight, Cory could no more sleep than could the sea. He paced the beach while the sea’s cold breath raised goosebumps along his bare arms. Under his leather tunic, he sweated. Sand sifted into his sandals. Still, he kept searching for something, something he could not name, only feel the lack of.

From behind him, bluish light flared briefly over the sands. Cory turned. On the promontory at the mouth of the bay, a blue flame rose halfway to the sky. It cast its eerie glow over the beach, the cliffs, and the village. Cory shivered, feeling a pull. A vague desire to go see what caused it. But the blue flame dwindled, leaving the more common, fainter light of driftwood fires and the distant voices of men around them. Cory returned his attention to the beach.

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited November 15, 2008).]

I understand, now, that the crabs were hinting at the time of day, and this is a clever idea, except that it was lost me because I live inland and, unfortunately, know little of the night-life of beaches. Nevertheless, for me, crabs are creepy creatures and added to my sense of discomfit.

Readers take their cue, to some extent, on how to feel about things from the characters in the story. If the characters are scared, so are we; if they're curious, so are we--and if they dismiss something as uninteresting, so do we. In version D, the bulk of the first 13 is concerned with a flare in which the character shows no interest. It's a nicely drawn scene, but I fear that the reader may pick up on Cory's vague lack of interest and not read further. If, for example, there were a hint that he'd investigate the flare later, or maybe some foreshadowing of its role in the story, I think we'd be drawn in more strongly. Perhaps it could illuminate the body parts, weapons and crabs, and we could follow his interest and thoughts from the flare to the miserable beach it shows us.

(BTW, how about dropping "from behind him"? That would eliminate the slight POV problem and, I think, being more direct, add to the drama of the sudden flare.)

I think that "Cory could no more sleep than could the sea." is a great opening line and its effect is reduced with the addition of "Tonight". Perhaps, instead, to get the sense of night-time, "He paced the star-lit beach while the sea's dark breath ..." Not right but you get the idea.

Hope this helps,
Pat

[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited November 16, 2008).]

The severed arm and all is still there. It comes in the next paragraph along with my beloved crabs.

Yeah, I know what you mean. The "tonight" does break the mood I'm building. But "star-lit beach" seems -- to me -- even worse.
Oh my. what to do? what to do?

The blue light is almost like a major player itself. He does go to the light eventually and we see what causes it. This could almost be considered a horror story rather than a fantasy.

Next part is a flashback scene and then we get to where the story originally opened with Ashurbaal the Red and all at one of those beach fires.

Sure I can't entice some more of you guys lurking out there to request the whole story? Just think how good the rest of the story might be judging from this opening! Oh, wait! You're the reason for the great opening. But trust me, the rest is at least readable.

How about putting the night in the second paragraph? Too late?

Behind him, bluish light flared briefly over the sands. Cory turned. On the promontory at the mouth of the bay, a blue flame rose halfway to the stars. It cast its eerie glow over the beach, the cliffs, and the village.