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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Searching for phrasing

   
Author Topic: Searching for phrasing
deebum25
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Hey everybody! Hope your Thanksgiving was happy and you're still sleeping off the tryptophan. Can anybody help me out with this sentence? I feel it's awkward using in twice in one sentence.

He allowed Larry to drive him to his therapist's office and dutifully nodded while never giving voice to the grief that came in high waves in which he was drowning.


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skadder
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POI--therapy is a talking 'cure'. It is unlikely that you would have a session without being 'forced' into revealing some of your feelings. The therapist would not 'talk at you' for an entire session; you would be required to participate...

Non-participation would suggest some serious goings-on to an experienced therapist as would clients who tried to mis-direct the therapist away from topics that might cause them emotional pain.


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jayazman
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I would say.... break it into two sentences.
He allowed Larry to drive him to his therapists office. He sat there and dutifully nodded while......
or

... He sat there feeding this therapist the same trite, overwrought garbage he had been using for years(months, weeks, whatever) that therapists seemed to eat up while never giving voice to....

Just a thought

[This message has been edited by jayazman (edited November 28, 2008).]


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deebum25
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Thanks all!

Skadder I've altered the sentence so that Tom responds to his therapist but he's actually flying on autopilot but that's for the POI.

And thanks Jayazman. I'm a fiend for run on sentences and I did end up making it two.


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