Hatrack River
Home   |   About Orson Scott Card   |   News & Reviews   |   OSC Library   |   Forums   |   Contact   |   Links
Research Area   |   Writing Lessons   |   Writers Workshops   |   OSC at SVU   |   Calendar   |   Store
E-mail this page
Hatrack River Writers Workshop Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Locked Step

   
Author Topic: Locked Step
Brendan
Member
Member # 6044

 - posted      Profile for Brendan   Email Brendan         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Locked Step

It sang insolence. Across the divide, between the two great armies poised on separate mountains, it sang, taunting, daring each soldier to begin, to annihilation between. Another joined the song, first faint, then fading in until it matched the strength of the first. Then another joined, and another, until the valley was awash with song.

"Tomorrow’s ghosts," said Jervis. "Crying in sorrow for today."

Tonin gripped his shield closer, his heart racing at Jervis's words. The fire's heat did nothing to prevent the cold now scampering about his back.

"Ignore them," said Culvern. "There's nothing you can do about them."
_________________________________

Comments:

This story is about 1/4 written, and about 90% planned. But I thought that I would put it up here to see whether it is worth continuing. Also, the title is flexible - initially it was the same line as Jervis's opening statement, but I wondered if that would reduce any hook.

Thanks KPKilburn, that was helpful. One question, could you tell me why you would start with Tonin? For context sake, Tonin is the central character, but the voices (and what they are) is the central concept/theme of the story.

[This message has been edited by Brendan (edited December 11, 2008).]


Posts: 784 | Registered: Aug 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
KPKilburn
Member
Member # 6876

 - posted      Profile for KPKilburn   Email KPKilburn         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I was a little confused at first - wasn't quite getting the picture.

I would have prefered the first lines to be:

Tonin gripped his shield closer, his heart racing. The fire's heat did nothing to prevent the cold now scampering about his back.

Then move into the singing.

"Scampering" didn't paint a good picture for me - cold maybe "creeps" (of course pick something not cliche')

Some additional comments below...

Locked Step
It sang insolence.

"It" is a little jarring for me in this instance. Maybe specifically mention "a lone voice" or something to indicate that you don't see it?

Across the divide, between the two great armies poised on separate mountains, it sang, taunting, daring each soldier to begin, to annihilation between. Another joined the song, first faint, then fading in until it matched the strength of the first. Then another joined, and another, until the valley was awash with song.

"Tomorrow’s ghosts," said Jervis. "Crying in sorrow for today."

I didn't quite get his meaning. If they are crying in sorrow, then why are they taunting the armies to begin battle? Insolence and sorrow aren't complementary.

Tonin gripped his shield closer, his heart racing at Jervis's words. The fire's heat did nothing to prevent the cold now scampering about his back.

"Ignore them," said Culvern. "There's nothing you can do about them."

It's interesting from the aspect of the voices taunting the Soldiers to fight. I'm not much of a fantasy (if that's what this is) reader, so I haven't seen this premise before. I'd read a little bit more to see what the singing is.

[This message has been edited by KPKilburn (edited December 11, 2008).]


Posts: 172 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
WouldBe
Member
Member # 5682

 - posted      Profile for WouldBe   Email WouldBe         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hello Brendan, long time....

I like this quite a bit. A few minor comments: "...to begin, to annihilation between." I think the second 'to' trips the reader a bit since the reader is expecting a noun phrase or another infinitive.

The opening 'it' doesn't bother me (though it is a very common device these days, I think). But since you clarify what 'it' is almost immediately, consider using an opening word or phrase this is more substantive, like 'dark spirit'.

Again, these are minor. I liked the tone of this opening.

[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited December 12, 2008).]


Posts: 746 | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
KPKilburn
Member
Member # 6876

 - posted      Profile for KPKilburn   Email KPKilburn         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Sorry, I didn't see this until just now...

quote:
Thanks KPKilburn, that was helpful. One question, could you tell me why you would start with Tonin? For context sake, Tonin is the central character, but the voices (and what they are) is the central concept/theme of the story.

Just my personal preference to see a story begin with a character. I see your point on the voice being the central concept/theme, so there's probably nothing wrong with starting with them either.


Posts: 172 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Yufae
Member
Member # 8346

 - posted      Profile for Yufae   Email Yufae         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
If your characters don't know what the voices are, that might be something to mention early on. Or if they know anything about them (what they represent, what usually happens when the voices stop), that would be good to know, too. But I think the mystery of the voices and the characters' fear make for a good hook.
Posts: 33 | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2