posted
ver 1 / does it hook?//would you read on?// 2600 words and looking for readers
quote:I met the love of my life while hiking a segment of the Pacific Crest Trail. After I'd hiked through the Cascade Lakes area, I turned towards Crater Lake. It was to be the final destination of my trip and I was making up a little time by hiking by headlamp. The night was only partly cloudy and the well-worn trail was easy to follow. I planned on pitching my ultra-light tent and turn in for the night after another hour of hiking. Off in the distance to the south, in the direction I was headed, there was some lightning. There would probably be some fires since it had been a dry summer and fall. I always enjoyed hiking in fire season. It was a thrill to see nature's fury when fire moved through an area.
ver 2 /
quote:Mom said some day I'd meet a girl that I'd want to introduce to her. I finally did. I never thought she'd be from another planet though. I met this love of my life while hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. After I'd ambled through the Cascade Lakes area, I turned towards Crater Lake. It was the final destination of my trip and I was traveling by headlamp. The night was partly cloudy and the well-worn trail was easy to follow. I planned on pitching my ultra-light tent and turn in for the night after another hour of trekking. In the distance to the south there was lightning. There would be some fires since it'd been a dry summer and fall. I enjoyed hiking in fire season. It was thrilling to see nature's fury when fire moved through an area.
[This message has been edited by honu (edited January 19, 2009).]
posted
I think that, given the title,I would probably read on.
There are a couple of changes you could make, though. Try to use another word besides hike, such as strolling, climbing, tramping, perhaps exploring. Also I would simply state that I was hiking the Pacific Crest Trail, rather than a segment of it. It seems more direct that way.
Great title and that will get you a long way, but I think you've chosen the wrong starting point for this story. As Bycin has noted, nothing really happens in the first 13. As both have noted, a bit of variation in word choice will help.
posted
thanks guys///title is my hook///way to much "hike" and back story for a short story is the concensus///and wrong starting point I will spice up ver 2 thanks 2600 words and looking for readers
[This message has been edited by honu (edited January 19, 2009).]
posted
I like your second version a little better, though I still think it suffers from the same overall issue as the first. Nothing much really happens.
I'd recommend getting the alien girlfriend in a little sooner, maybe by combining your first couple sentences.
"My mother always said I would introduce her to the girl of my dreams, but neither of us imagined she'd be from another planet."
Just a suggestion, of course.
On a side note, I just have to ask, because I can't figure it out for myself... What is with all the slashes in your responses? (I'm not trying to come off as overly critical or anything, I genuinely just don't understand.)
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2600 words and looking for readers 
(I'm not trying to come off as overly critical or anything, I genuinely just don't understand.)
