posted
The crimson ichor rained down in torrents. The Season of Blood was upon us, and all that it portended. Every year the angels went to war, fighting their annual battles across the terrains of Heaven. What those terrains are, exactly, no one down here knows for sure. Whatever they are, they involve pits, chasms, abysses, and God only knows how many other types of holes and openings. The occasional fallen angel with life left in its brain is usually taken to the Tower downtown, to visit the Interrogator. They speak of labyrinthine caverns with bottomless pitfalls, floating mountain ranges with bottomless chasms, societies of cliff dwellers whose honeycombed habitats lie face-to-face with one another over a bottomless abyss. Bottomless to them, that is. Down here we know the truth. We're the bottom.
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited February 19, 2009).]
This is a slightly altered version of the beginning, with less redundant redundancy. I was going for a bit of poetic symmetry with the first one, but I don't think I particularly care for it anymore. I re-christened the Interrogator, too. This new name's more original and interesting.
The crimson ichor rained down in torrents. The Season of Blood was upon us, and all that it portended. Every year the angels went to war, fighting their annual battles across the terrains of Heaven. What those terrains are, exactly, no one knows for sure. The occasional fallen angel with life left in its brain is usually taken to the Tower downtown, to visit the Interrogatrix. They speak of labyrinthine caverns with bottomless pitfalls, floating mountain ranges with bottomless chasms, societies of cliff dwellers whose honeycombed habitats lie face-to-face with one another over a bottomless abyss. Bottomless to them, that is. Down here we know the truth. We're the bottom. Some of the fallen angels, while being tortured
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited February 20, 2009).]
posted
How long is this supposed to be overall? I'm just curious where your paragraph break is going to fall. "We're the bottom" seems like it might be a nice strong place to end the first paragraph. (Maybe it is the end, I'm still not used the the formatting here)
PS - How much can they be tortured if they've already been smashed to bits falling into a "bottomless" pit? Or are we thinking more psychological torture? I know I'd be scared silly already :-)
[This message has been edited by Kitti (edited February 20, 2009).]
posted
I'm hooked too. "ichor" in the first sentence kinda threw me off--seems cliche--but it's immediatelly justified by the second sentence. Also, perhaps instead of "rained down in torrents," just "rained." Seems slightly redundant to my eye.
I do like the prose of the labyrinth-floating-mountains bit, though.
posted
I loved the first sentence. Your word choice caught me at once. I'd love to read the whole thing.
Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2009
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posted
I too am hooked. Though I have to say, I like the first version a bit better than the second. For one I think Iterrogator reads better than Interrogatrix. Maybe the name change is important, its hard to tell how the name will fit in the story from the first 13.
I was also fond of the line you cut, "Whatever they are, they involve pits, chasms, abysses, and God only knows how many other types of holes and openings". The tone of the first 13 struck me as playfuly depressed, or depressingly playful, and I though this line added to that. Though, I can understand wanting to unclutter the opening.
Out of curiosity, what tone were you trying for? Also, how long is your story?
posted
Yeah, "We're the bottom" is the last sentence of the first paragraph.
I guess they can't be tortured too much, but they don't give up the information willingly, so it has to be coaxed from them and positive reinforcement is pretty much impossible since they're all smashed-up and on the brink of death.
The omitted line can be reinserted easily enough.
Interrogatrix is a better name not only because it's original but because the character's a female.
I don't really know what tone I was going for, it just sort of wrote itself. He kind of comes off like a down-on-his-luck, hard-boiled detective/philosopher type, I guess.
It's finished-3,948 words as of this minute, but subject to re-editing at any time.
In regards to people who've expressed an interest in reading my stories in their entirety, everyone needs to be aware that my material contains extremely graphic sex and violence (often simultaneously) and often includes drug use, explicit language, BDSM, and iconoclastic imagery and/or themes. I also blatantly disregard the verbosity taboo, and there are probably going to be a few words you've never seen before. So...whoever wants to check it out, that's cool, just be forewarned and understand that it's not like anything you've ever experienced before.
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