posted
After mulling over the first line in my head for a couple weeks now, the rest of the story is starting to spill out. I'm looking for the usual crits of the first thirteen at this point. It isn't ready for readers, but if you are interested I can send it along when finished.
Thanks everyone!
quote:The King needed a war and it was my job to create it. It didn’t matter who we fought, or even what, so long as it was profitable. A million thoughts raced through my head as I left the throne room, and each one made my smile grow. Finally, it was time to play the game again! I detoured through the kitchens on my way back to my chambers. A proper idea needed good food before it could take root. Etta was there, as always, and I knew she’d be able to get me a decent meal from the King’s leftovers. I slid up behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist as she was kneading dough, holding her close. I knew she’d seen my when I entered, but she still let out a startled gasp and struggled against my embrace. These were her kitchens and nothing got past
[This message has been edited by Bycin (edited March 04, 2009).]
Just a couple of suggestions. As your opening line I would try: "The King needed a war and it was my job to find one, it didn't matter who, or even what, so long as it was pofitable." I think that flows a little better.
The other thing was a typo I suspect. In the line: "I knew she'd seen my (me?) when I entered."
I'd be interested in reading when you finish it.
[This message has been edited by Denem (edited March 04, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Denem (edited March 04, 2009).]
quote:The King needed a war and it was my job to create it.[What a fantastic opening thought! I would perhaps tweak the dialect to make it more authentic.] It didn’t matter[I like 'mattered not'. Seems to suit the period?] who we fought, or even what, so long as it was profitable. A million thoughts[Me too, I want to hear some of them] raced through my head as I left the throne room, and each one made my smile grow. Finally, it was time to play the game again![I expect the tone and grammar to be a little more guile and sinister here. This character is getting off on going to war which I dig. I think you could beef it up a bit.]
This is a fantastic way to initiate an engaging element into this intro. I was intruiged from the first line. I would focus on fleshing this body out. Make this really shine and it will be worth a million buck...Pro rates anyway...$.06/word
quote:I detoured through the kitchens on my way back to my chambers. A proper idea needed good food before it could take root. Etta was there, as always, and I knew she’d be able to get me a decent meal from the King’s leftovers. I slid up behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist as she was kneading dough, holding her close. I knew she’d seen my[Me] when I entered, but she still let out a startled gasp and struggled against my embrace. These were her kitchens and nothing got past
This is also great, but I think it too is abbreviated and could be fleshed out, but once you expand on the top portion this likely wouldn't be on the first page.
You have something really good here. I will gladly look over the whole thing if you are ready for that.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited March 04, 2009).]
posted
Thanks Denem and Bent Tree, I really appreciate the feedback. I will be more than happy to send it along when I get the first draft finished, though I am only a little over 1000 words at this point.
You hit the nail on the head with your suggestion about changing the style of some of the language, Bent Tree. There were a few instances where the tone shifted that were nagging at me, but I couldn't put my finger on. Thank you for the insight, it was just what I needed.
I'll post a revised thirteen at some point after the story has progressed further.
posted
I've revised the first thirteen a little, thought the piece still isn't quite finished. Thoughts on this version?
quote:The King needed a war, and it was my job to provide it. It mattered not who, or even what, we fought so long as it was profitable. A million thoughts raced through my head as I left Aldon’s throne room, and each made my smile grow. Border skirmishes, crusades, rebellions; all tried and true, but I longed for something different. I was getting old, how many other opportunities would I have for innovation? In the end, regardless of what I orchestrated, I knew it would be a thing of beauty. The board would be set and the pieces arranged by my direction. It was my game, and I never lost. I detoured through the kitchens on my way back to my chambers. A proper idea needed good food before it could take root. Etta was there, as always, and I knew she’d be able to get me a decent
posted
Hey Bycin. I thought this second version was honed to near-perfection. The only thing I noticed was in the opening line, I thought "it was my job to provide one" might flow smoother. Might just be me though.
This is very intriguing. If this is the main character in the opening here, as, based on the title, I suspect it is, it looks like he's going to be a cool, Machiavellian, bloodthirsty, bellipotent anti-hero. I think this is going to be a good one.
Keep up the good work. Best regards,
Brant
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited March 09, 2009).]
Thanks for the response. You've hit the nail on the head as far as the who the main character is. He's the King's go to guy for when things need to be shaken up. Kind of a public relations guy who isn't afraid to get his hands dirty and go that extra mile.
I'd be interested in your thoughts on the first line. The feel of the line needs to remain the same, as it was the inspiration for the entire piece. First lines are the way I write. I've never had any luck plotting and outlining. I need a solid first line and the rest of the story builds from there. I usually don't even know where I'll end up until I get there.
If you, or anyone, could suggest something to improve on the essence of the line, I'd appreciate it.
posted
I think it works just as fine as "The king needed a war, and it was my job to provide one." It's simple and gritty, as often befits these types of first-person POV pieces, and I thought it worked as a hook based on that. A couple of alternatives that spring to mind might be, "The king needed a war, and I was the man for the job", or "The king needed a war, and it was my royal duty to provide one", or "The king needed a war, and I needed the money". Or you could add a new first sentence, followed by the original one. Something like, "The king's popularity rating was down, the economy was crashing, and the peasants were getting restless. We needed a war, and it was my job to provide one." Probably not that exactly, but something in that vein or with those types of elements.
Hope you can find some inspiration in all that. If I think of anything else, I'll let you know.
Best regards,
Brant
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited March 09, 2009).]
posted
I was wondering if anyone would be able to read through the first section of this story for me. Right now it stands at 1,573 words. I see the entire thing playing out in three parts, but I really want to make sure I have the beginning down, as that sets the mood for the rest (obviously).
If anyone would be willing to read through and comment on my character development, pacing, and plot, I would greatly appreciate it!
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