posted
I watched Cora watching him--it, I reminded myself. She sat in the shade at the edge of the porch, her feet in the dust and her long brown legs in the sun. Of course, even at twelve I could tell that she was a little too interested in it. "Evelyn?" Cora turned to me and gave me her best fake smile. "Be a darling and get me some more lemonade, would you?" I didn't move, but then Cora waggled the glass at me and dropped the smile. I got up from beside Buster and took her glass. She nodded, then her eyes slid back to the plant-man as he swung the pick-axe. His muscles rippled and bunched under his green skin with each swing. She glanced up at me again. "No hurry--I am sure I won't die of thirst." She flashed a humourless smile. "Make sure you stick some ice in it."
Revised below (about five posts below!).
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 26, 2009).]
It has the languid feel of the southern U.S. half a century ago. Just change the colors: replace the plant man with a black handyman. And Cora's long brown legs with ivory colored ones. The hint of passion leading to a forbidden dalliance.
Other than the green man's skin and Evelyn's POV, its like the opening of a romance novel. If that's your intent, you succeeded. If you're not into romantic suspense... the hook consists entirely of a muscular plant man. That's probably enough for many.
posted
I thought it had a good hook. It piqued my interest. I had to read the fourth and fifth sentences three times before I figured out that it was Cora speaking. I thought at first that it was Evelyn speaking and tried to figure out why the speaker was calling Cora Evelyn.
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quote:I watched Cora watching him--it, I reminded myself.
When I encounter telling, stagnant action in a story's first sentence, it immediately turns on my critic's instincts, turns me as reader out of a story.
Forms of watch meaning to look, to my thinking, are Dischisms. I feel as though I'm filtering through a writer's setting into a story's setting.
The second sentence is more compelling from its descriptive quality, and that it subtly places a lovely woman lounging on a porch, still static action, but not stagnant. Something's up with the woman on the porch.
The third sentence referring to "it", perhaps that's where the itness of him could be expressed.
//Cora sat in the shade at the edge of the porch. She swung her long brown legs in the sun, disturbing the dust at her feet. Of course, even at twelve I knew she was a little too interested in him--it, a Plant-man, grown, not born like our kind.//
Influx cause, internal effect, that leads into a reflective introspection and introduces a conflict.
The need to introduce a narrator and/or a protagonist in a first sentence isn't absolute. A first-person narrator introduced in a second or later, timely sentence gently pulls a reader into a story through showing the item of interest under scrutiny first, which if causal begins a train of cause and effect. Then that the narrator is watching is taken as a given.
[This message has been edited by extrinsic (edited March 26, 2009).]
posted
My step-mum, Cora, watched him with half-open eyes. She sat in the shade at the edge of the porch, her feet in the dust and her long brown legs in the sun. Even at twelve I could tell that she was a little too interested in him--or it, more accurately. "Evelyn?" Cora turned to me and gave me her best fake smile. "Be a darling and get some more lemonade, would you?" I didn't move, but then Cora dropped the smile and waggled the glass at me. I sighed as I got up from beside Buster. As I took her glass, her eyes slid back to the plant-man as he swung the pick-axe. His muscles rippled and bunched under his green skin as he struck the earth. She glanced up at me again. "No hurry--I'm sure I won't die of thirst." She flashed a humourless smile. "Make sure you stick some ice in it."
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 26, 2009).]
posted
Oh, I always thought Cora was the one who was twelve, saying step-mom clears up who's the kid and who isn't.
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