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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Riddle of the Loveghouls

   
Author Topic: Riddle of the Loveghouls
Brant Danay
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This is the first 13 of a short piece of avant-garde horror-porn. All comments welcome.

New version:

As the sun set, the virgin Tantra-Goths walked hand-in-hand through the cemetery gates. In the twilight, they stripped one another of their black garments, then began to make love amongst the shadowy gravestones.
Behind the two Tantra-Goths, the moon rose as stealthily as a thief, its light ambushing and cold. It gazed down upon them like the eye of a cyclopean voyeur. Ashen moonbeams illuminated the epitaphs engraved upon the tombstones. The shivering lovers found themselves unable to keep their gaze from wandering to the suddenly-visible necroglyphics. Once fixated, they found themselves compelled to read the brief eulogies and elegies in their entirety.
"Let's leave this place." Diamond's serpentine voice

Old version:

The wind moaned through the cemetery, its screeching wail chilling the hearts of the two virgin Tantra-Goths who made love amongst the shadowed gravestones. The white moon rose as stealthily as a thief, its light ambushing and cold. Ashen moonbeams cascaded across the looming tombstones, illuminating, revealing, and deciphering the epitaphs engraved thereon. The shivering lovers found themselves unable to keep their gaze from wandering to the necroglyphics, and, once fixated, were compelled to read the brief eulogies and elegies in their entirety. Dread settled into their minds and squatted.
"Let's leave this place." Diamond's serpentine voice, a lisping susurrus due to her recently-pierced tongue, leaked beyond her black lipstick and seemed to sink into the dirt around her

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited April 11, 2009).]


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pixydust
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This is so mysterious that I have no idea what's going on.

So, I must be out of it, cause I don't know what Tantra-Goths are and if they're in the process of "making love" then I think it's a bit of a misnomer to call them virgins.

Also: POV. I'm not glued down to anyone. Who's head am I in? Is it OMNI?

And the last thing that screams at me are all the adjectives. It muddles the text and makes it all feel a bit forced. (IE: screaching wail, shadowed gravestones, white moon, Ashen moonbeams, looming tombstones, serpentine voice. Most of these are givens or repetative.) Trim a few out and it could read smoother.

Hope this helpful!


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Owasm
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Hi Brandt.

I agree with pixy. I think it hard to justify calling the Tantra-goths, virgins.

I don't know if combining ambushing and cold in a description works. Ditto for deciphering moonbeams. Makes no sense to me.

On my second reading, I understood what necroglyphics were... but I can't think anything good can come with Dread squatting.

The vision of Diamond's words sinking into the dirt was certainly an original image in my experience.

The issue with this beginning is there is no hook. There is no story. It's a setting... which is your style, I know, but generally you have a character doing something. Diamond saying let's get out of here, isn't strong enough.

Also... I have a hard time getting my arms around Loveghouls. They stay away from me.

-Owasm


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Bent Tree
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quote:
The wind moaned through the cemetery, its screeching wail[["screeching wail" seems a contradiction to "moan" chilling the hearts[i][[see comment A.]] of the two virgin Tantra-Goths who made love[[two virgins making love kinda makes them non-virgins, to me at least]] amongst the shadowed gravestones. The white moon rose as stealthily as a thief, its light ambushing and cold.see comment B.]] Ashen moonbeams cascaded across the looming tombstones, illuminating, revealing, and deciphering the epitaphs engraved thereon. The shivering lovers found themselves unable to keep their gaze from wandering to the necroglyphics, and, once fixated, were compelled to read the brief eulogies and elegies in their entirety. Dread settled into their minds and squatted.
"Let's leave this place." Diamond's serpentine voice, a lisping susurrus due to her recently-pierced tongue, leaked beyond her black lipstick and seemed to sink into the dirt around her

(Comment A.)I believe that I tend to have a more welcoming view on highly poetic prose than some critiquers, especially suited to this genre, but I found there to be some logistic issues here. Besides what I pointed out, I felt that this portrayal was a bit off. I believe I see what you are trying to portray, but it was due more to deciphering than reading.

(Comment B.) In continuation of the prior comment, I would like to mention that at this point is where I came to the root of the problem that I saw. The line highlighted for this comment is, in itself a good verse, poetic and clear, but I felt it was untimely and therebye lost its impact. Primarily, I felt its relevance diminished because of its position in the series of events.

Overall i feel that this needs to be reorganized and the comment about the non-virgin virgins , in a way, summarizes my opinion of this story. Here is my take on th order of events as I thought they should occur.

1) Two virgins, holding hands run into the cemetary.
2)Then the moon image would be nice to set the scene and add to the mood of their interlude.
3) then in the act the speculative event comes and scares them.

As always, This is solely my opinion and I don't usually try to adjust the plots of anyones stories, but that is what I considered to be your goal here and, to me, would make this more forward moving and less cumbersome.

I was very interested in the premise and I do like your prose. It just needs a logical flow.

[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited April 11, 2009).]


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Brant Danay
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Thanks, guys. Yeah, I guess they are in sort of an interim period between virginity and non-virginity. Those are two concepts that could use their own words. Looks like I'll have to call upon my amazing superpowers of neologism...

OK, let's try this:

As the sun set, the virgin Tantra-Goths walked hand-in-hand through the cemetery gates. In the twilight, they stripped one another of their black garments, then began to make love amongst the shadowy gravestones.
Behind the two Tantra-Goths, the moon rose as stealthily as a thief, its light ambushing and cold. It gazed down upon them like the eye of a cyclopean voyeur. Ashen moonbeams illuminated the epitaphs engraved upon the tombstones. The shivering lovers found themselves unable to keep their gaze from wandering to the suddenly-visible necroglyphics. Once fixated, they found themselves compelled to read the brief eulogies and elegies in their entirety.
"Let's leave this place." Diamond's serpentine voice

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited April 11, 2009).]


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Bent Tree
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I like this much better.
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Owasm
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ditto
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