posted
Hi everybody, this one is fantasy and I'm looking for the usual: comments on the 13 or offers to read the whole thing which is a touch over 5k. Thanks
The dawn chorus of a flock of shalon was a cruel mockery as a chill wind stirred the ashes of the dead. The fire had burned away almost to nothing, the few remaining flames flickering and shimmering around the blackened wood in the parched morning light.
Athar sat on his haunches, a short branch hanging limply in his hand as he watched the fire die. It was long past the time he should have been moving on, but somehow he couldn’t find the will to leave. Hope had been the one thing spurring him on: the next village will be different, the next town will be different, the farmhouse up there in the hills…but hope had fluttered and wavered and died with the mounds of burning corpses he left in each.
[This message has been edited by monstewer (edited May 15, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by monstewer (edited May 15, 2009).]
posted
Suggest skipping the first 2 sentences; they're distracting. And I want to get to the part when I find out why this is happening!
Suggest starting the last sentence with “But hope had wavered and died…” and come back to the present moment: “… while this mound of corpses turned to ash.” “… while yet another mound of corpses burned in the village behind him.” “… while yet another mound of corpses waited for his torch.”
I imagine it would take awhile for a pile of bodies to burn, and it would stink. Would he really stay put all that while? Perhaps yes, to honor the dead.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited May 15, 2009).]
posted
I agree with the chorus of "ditch the first 2 lines"; it confused and diluted the severity of the scene. I even found myself wondering what shalon are. Are they real or made up? Birds? At first I thought they were nice, pretty things with pleasing songs, then I wondered if they were shrieking carion birds.
Aside from this, I'm interested. I'd be happy to read it if you send it.
posted
The first two lines didn't bother me. I would preserve some of the second sentence depending on the importance...establishment of the time of day and terrain. Regarding the terrain, I wasn't sure if you were referring to the "greater wood" burning (us'ens Americans say 'the woods') or to some chunks of wood. The former might be important since it implies the character is willing to set the woods ablaze; the latter might be part of a home or some such.
posted
The dawn chorus of a flock of shalon was a cruel mockery as a chill wind stirred the ashes of the dead. The fire had burned away almost to nothing, the few remaining flames flickering and shimmering around the blackened wood in the parched morning light. I like these lines, but agree that they shouldnt be the first two. Maybe leave the first one here, and stick the other one after the "Athar sat on his haunches" sentence; it would make sense there.
Athar sat on his haunches, a short branch hanging limply in his hand as he watched the fire die. Kind of makes it sound like the branch is actively hanging limply on its own accord, rather than Athar holding it in a loose grip. Either way, Im not sure why you need this detail.
It was long past the time he should have been moving on, but somehow I would lose the word "somehow", it feels lazy. he couldn’t find the will to leave. Hope had been the one thing spurring him on: the next village will be different, the next town will be different, the farmhouse up there in the hills…but hope had fluttered and wavered and died with the mounds of burning corpses he left in each. Nice hook there at the end. I would read on for sure. Send it on if you like.
[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited June 05, 2009).]
posted
I like arriki's suggestion. The imagery of the first two sentences is great, but a bit distracting. The "flock of shalon" left me wondering what they are, some sort of bird? While this creates a sense that your in some other world, fantasy or sf at this point, it is altogether distracting. Otherwise in the first two sentences i liked the "parched morning light." Maybe some of the imagery can find its way in latter.
Distiling it to the one line creates a great opening image that would then lead straight into the good stuff, the strong emotional connection to Athar. I have no idea who he is, where he was coming from or what sort of different he was hoping for, but I already empathize. Well done.
I will read on if you are still looking for readers.
posted
In my view, three elements of the first three sentences and their connection together form the hook. “... ashes of the dead.”, “The fire... “ and “Athar ...” are all needed. What I think is not needed, or is at least is costly to the writer in keeping reader interest, is the elaborate purple-tinged prose of the first two sentences. I suggest bringing the three elements together in less than two sentences and a paragraph break. After meeting Athar, I want to know whether he was the cause of death or cleaning up in the aftermath. There is the implication that he’s a scourge sweeping the countryside, but it’s not explicit. This isn’t something that needs to be in the first 13 lines because I’m already hooked. It is what I’m led to expect to be revealed shortly along with the causes and conflicts of the story. I’ll read it if you’d like.
I'm not convinced about completely getting rid of the opening, but I agree with arriki that starting with "The fire had burned away almost to nothing." is better. "A chill wind stirred the ashes of the dead" is nice too, but I agree with Jeff that it would be a punchier opening with some of the imagery excised.
Alternatively, you might start with something like "Athar sat on his haunches, a short branch hanging limply in his hand. The fire had burned away almost to nothing, a chill wind stirring..." and so on.
The meaning of the last phrase isn't clear to me: "but hope had fluttered and wavered and died with the mounds of burning corpses he left in each." Do you mean that hope was eroded a bit more with each mound of corpses he found, or that it was a cyclic sort of thing: hope had died with each discovery, and he had managed to make himself hope again until he reached the next pyre?
I personally don't mind some things not being spelled out in the first thirteen lines (like what a shalon is--though that particular image may or may not be a throwaway), as long as it isn't too long before I get enough clarity to begin to feel comfortable.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
