posted
Ok this is my first attempt at writing a very short short story. It was born of the feeling of insulation and isolation I often experience in certain small, private rooms, the question of what would happen if you opened the door of such a small room and found that it had become your own tiny, private world?
Thats how it started anyway but it sort of transmogrified into something else as I went along. I'm not sure I am ok with it it...it went from being sort of a purely surreal thing to a little spot about people and connecting and that kind of thing...anyway its the first time I've tried the whole flash thing so I'm very open to suggestions. Comments on the begining are fine, I'd really like some readers though. Thanks in advance.
Alex listened to Janice talk as they ate. He didn’t process most of it. He caught some bits about the classes she was taking in college and her gay brother’s failed relationships. She leaned forward and looked right at him. He suspected she knew his attention was wavering. “So, what do you think? Business or economics?” “Um, I dunno. What’s the difference, really?” “You haven’t been listening to me at all, have you?” “I’m trying, baby, but you know I’m not into the whole college thing. Study groups, projects, big classes. You know I don’t like…stepping out of myself. ” She rolled her eyes.
posted
Alex is indifferent and distracted. I felt the same about this opening because that's Alex' emotional state. Alex is interiorizing his situation, but Janice is distracting him, and she's uncomfortable with his indifference. Odd when resonance with a point of view character's circumstances impedes reader immersion.
Causation's influence influxes or effluxes, incoming or outgoing cause and effect. Inward pressing influx causes compel external character reactions, or outward pressing causes compel external reactions. Alex seems to have an internal struggle that might present as an efflux. A portrayal of his internal struggle probably comes later, but doing so as soon as possible in the opening might defuse impediments to reader immersion.
[This message has been edited by extrinsic (edited May 17, 2009).]
There is a flow to the opening, but when it ends, it promises nothing. The beginning is in Alex's POV, yet he infuses a lack of interest into the opening that is translated to the reader. The reader identifies with Janice as she rolls her eyes. Does Alex even notice this?
You've got Alex already checked out, how are you going to get the reader to check in after that opening? Perhaps this opening isn't quite the right place to start your story.
posted
I'm with Extrinsic and Owasm on this one. There's nothing to drag me in. Like Alex, I am indifferent to whatever it is your opening gives me.
Posts: 72 | Registered: May 2008
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posted
I really liked the first 3 sentences, weird huh? They are not hooky or overly compelling, but I feel as though I can relate to them. I think you set Alex' mood well. Lost for other words to describe it, to me the first 3 feel "real".
It got lost on me at the 4th
"She leaned forward and looked right at him. He suspected she knew his attention was wavering." <-- I feel like you need to restate one of there names here. like "Alex suspected she knew his attention was wavering."
The next two lines go good, feels like real conversation.
"I'm trying, baby..." This felt out of place, like a forced line from Alex. I might be identifying too much with Alex in these first thirteen and therefore expeecting his reaction to be more like what my reaction would be to Janice.
I think it has good potential. I am gone till monday next week, but if you don't mind waiting you can send the whole thing my way and I'll give it a read.
posted
Well actually one of the editors of "The Legendary" has offered to publish this there, so I guess I don't necessarily need readers. There not sure exactly when it will appear though so anyone that wants to see the whole thing let me know.
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