posted
Wow, it's been a while since I've visited the forum. Been on a month-long hiatus across Europe, so this story is burning a hole in my pocket. Gotta get it finished! Any comments are welcome, and I'm always looking for readers to take on the whole thing. Thanks!
--- In one of the poorer rooms of the Roaring Ox, Jax Keel lay awake, listening to the dark. Feet whispered across the floor; a knee pressed into his mattress, crunching old straw. The moon was down, but pale light from the Southern Ring limned long curling hair, and a girl’s excited breathing raked at the dark. Hot fingers found his shoulders, wormed along his throat. Jax grabbed a small hand, but it pulled free and tugged at his trousers.
At the foot of the bed, Jax’s gryffon growled.
Swinging a leg over his waist, the girl leant close to his ear. “Shut up your beast, or I’ll rip out its throat.”
Jax shoved at the face, a black hole in the dark, but she clung fast, a spider to its prey. “Who in hell are you?”
The girl’s laughter slapped against the ceiling. Something ugly
I think it moves along just fine until he realizes something is wrong with her. The phrase
quote:The girl’s laughter slapped against the ceiling. Something ugly
jarred me. Perhaps because I don't think of laughter slapping against the ceiling. I recognize 'something ugly' is a truncated sentence that probably really needs completion for this opening to work properly for me.
One other thing... are her fingers hot as in sexually hot (frantic) or hot as in temperature. If she is some kind of demon and it's temperature, a slight rephrasing would make it clearer.
All in all an intriguing opening. BTW... aren't gryffons really, really big?
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited June 09, 2009).]
In the line, "Jax shoved at the face, a black hole in the dark..." I suggest changing it to 'her face'. If she's inhuman, or not a 'she', the reader doesn't know it yet, and the current wording seemed a bit awkward to me.
posted
I couldn't help wanting this one to start a few seconds earlier. How does the girl get in the room? Does the door (if there is one) open and close? Why does Jax lay there listening to her approach? Shouldn't he be springing out of the bed? Or is he expecting someone?
Nice vivid writing, I loved the breathing raking at the dark, the fingers worming along his throat, it all creates a very nice mood and atmosphere. Not sure about "limned" though, the definition in my English dictionary doesn't seem to match what you're saying there. Also, not keen on the laughter slapping against the ceiling, I can't really imagine that.
I think one mention of how Jax feels about all this would be a big help for the opening. Is he scared? Freaked out? Horny?
Nice opening though and I'll read if you want
[This message has been edited by monstewer (edited June 09, 2009).]
posted
I think 'cheap' would work better than 'poorer' when describing a room. It would help the prose a bit if you didn't mention "the dark" twice so close together. Jax comes across as reacting extremely slowly to there being a stranger in his room, almost like he's paralyzed. You said he was awake, listening to the dark, I would expect him to jump up flinging the girl off. Instead he seems to lay there letting her swing her leg across him. Hooky start, well written. Posts: 556 | Registered: Oct 2006
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