Hatrack River
Home   |   About Orson Scott Card   |   News & Reviews   |   OSC Library   |   Forums   |   Contact   |   Links
Research Area   |   Writing Lessons   |   Writers Workshops   |   OSC at SVU   |   Calendar   |   Store
E-mail this page
Hatrack River Writers Workshop Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Iron God, Scifi, Unfinished.

   
Author Topic: Iron God, Scifi, Unfinished.
AWSullivan
Member
Member # 8059

 - posted      Profile for AWSullivan   Email AWSullivan         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Just started this one. Thoughts?

Version One:

quote:
The first thing Ike saw was Shayne’s curvaceous bottom swaying back and forth. Even in the dim light of the incandescents, Ike could make out her shapely form.

She rummaged through her clothes in an old trunk that rested in the corner of the stone-walled room they called home. It wasn’t much but just for the two of them it was more than enough. Besides, neither Ike nor Shayne had enough influence to warrant more spacious quarters.

Ike enjoyed the view for a few moments longer, hoping that he might coax Shayne back to bed. But then the lights kicked off leaving them in darkness. The silence left behind as machines all over the city ground to a halt along with the crash of Shayne’s head against a shelf told him he was out of luck.

Version Two:

quote:
Even in the dim light of the incandescents, Ike could make out Shayne’s curvaceous bottom swaying back and forth. Not a bad way to start the day.

Shayne was bent at the waist, looking for clothes in an old trunk in the corner of the stone-walled room they called home. It might not seem like much but for the two of them it was adequate. After four hundred years of controlled population growth, living space in UC9 was a luxury they couldn’t afford.

Ike had hoped he might coax Shayne back to bed, but then the lights kicked off cloaking them in darkness.

Shayne started at the sudden blindness and banged her head on the shelf above, cursing.

Ike groaned as he heard machinery all over UC9 ground to a halt. This was not a good way to start the day.


~Anthony

[This message has been edited by AWSullivan (edited July 05, 2009).]


Posts: 374 | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
monstewer
Member
Member # 5883

 - posted      Profile for monstewer   Email monstewer         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Not a whole lot to keep me reading--some guy is horny and out of luck.

The first thing Ike saw was Shayne’s curvaceous bottom swaying back and forth. Even in the dim light of the incandescents, Ike could make out her shapely form. You use two sentences to tell us one thing. Why not use one? "...swaying back and forth in the dim light of the incandescents."?

Besides, neither Ike nor Shayne had enough influence to warrant more spacious quarters. Redundant. We already know they're in crappy accomodation--the reader can guess this isn't by choice.

The silence left behind as machines all over the city ground to a halt There was noise before? What kind of noise? And this seems to mean he will be out of luck? Why? I get that her banging her head would put her out of the mood, but the MC seems to think the silence of the machines will put her out of the mood as well.

There seems to be a few redundant words in this opening, strip them away and you might be able to work a hook into the opening.

Good luck with it.



Posts: 373 | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
AWSullivan
Member
Member # 8059

 - posted      Profile for AWSullivan   Email AWSullivan         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thanks for the quick reply. I'll give your points some thought.

This one I disagree with wholeheartedly, however.

quote:
Besides, neither Ike nor Shayne had enough influence to warrant more spacious quarters. Redundant. We already know they're in crappy accomodation--the reader can guess this isn't by choice.

This sentence tells the reader that they live in a society where influence would get them a nicer place, not money.

Perhaps I could have done it with more words but it isn't entirely redundant.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

~Anthony


Posts: 374 | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Nicole
Member
Member # 3549

 - posted      Profile for Nicole   Email Nicole         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'd read just to know why the machines stopped but that will carry me only a few lines over. However, two things:

1. I'd like to know why she was rummaging through an old trunk when seconds ago she seemed to be in bed with Ike.
I don't want a long story, a simple one will do: she was looking for X, Y, W item. To me it's a small detail that I need just so I don't read about a character looking "for something". I personally take specific over generic anytime when reading is concerned.

2. ...the crash of Shayne’s head against a shelf told him he was out of luck.

I felt the same monstewer felt. That "out of luck" seemed to come out of the blue because to be out of luck means, to me, that there was something you've been evading for a while and that now has caught on with you. But this moment when luck runs out comes before a fairly trivial scene, nothing indicates me I should feel the characters luck might run out.

I also agree that the first 2 sentences could be one. A "curvaceous bottom" and a "shapely form" are the same. If he can make out something in the incandescents, you could just let it be her curvy butt.

[This message has been edited by Nicole (edited July 05, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Nicole (edited July 05, 2009).]


Posts: 89 | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
snapper
Member
Member # 7299

 - posted      Profile for snapper   Email snapper         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I get what s going on, Anthony. Shayne is a machine and the massive power outage has put his love-making out of order. If I am correct than you will need to get some clarity in because Monstewer and Nicole didn't catch that. if I am wrong than that is par for the course.

The opening line is the biggest problem.

quote:
The first thing Ike saw was Shayne’s curvaceous bottom swaying back and forth.

This makes it look like he is seeing her for teh first time. That clearly isn't the case based on the rest of the piece. I agree that the two lines should be combined.

Even in the dim light of the incandescents, Ike could make out Shayne’s curvaceous bottom swaying back and forth.

Hope this helps!


Posts: 3072 | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
AWSullivan
Member
Member # 8059

 - posted      Profile for AWSullivan   Email AWSullivan         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thanks all.

To address a couple of points (Knowing full well it needs reworking if you have the questions).

Ike can't know what she is looking for... beyond clothes. But I'll rework the sentence to lose the generality.

And no... Shayne isn't a robot... she just smacked her head because she can't see. :P

New version to come, soon.

~Anthony


Posts: 374 | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
AWSullivan
Member
Member # 8059

 - posted      Profile for AWSullivan   Email AWSullivan         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Version two posted.
Posts: 374 | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
snapper
Member
Member # 7299

 - posted      Profile for snapper   Email snapper         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
A far more vivid opening. I see you took my suggestion on the first line.

A couple of small things...

quote:
Not a bad way to start the day.

This was not a good way to start the day.


May I suggest you have these each italicized. Also change the one 'was' to an 'is'


quote:
Shayne was bent at the waist, looking for clothes in an old trunk in the corner of the stone-walled room they called home.

You could up this a notch.

Shayne was bent at the waist, the outline of her thong visible to his probing eyes,...

you know, something small like that. Also I took this as a far-futured piece. 'Stone-walled' seems out of place. It may be expensive in a world getting crowded. Something advanced, but yet cheap/mass manufactured sounding would be perfect here. Like 'Plastucko' or 'Fiberistic'

quote:
It might not seem like much but for the two of them it was adequate. After four hundred years of controlled population growth, living space in UC9 was a luxury they couldn’t afford.

Consider flipping these two sentences. That first sentence could use a bit more character as well.

It might not seem like much but for what they needed it was perfect.

I think this works well with the next paragraph.

Just a few ideas for you. Version 2 is good as it is, though.


Posts: 3072 | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2