posted
Paul Rold spied the black limousine stopping in front of his suburban home and watched the crooked old man climb out. He snapped his fingers at his cousin and pointed toward the street. Sarah turned and clapped sharply, the slaps carried over the crowd silencing the chatter. “Get ready everybody, Grandpa Ted is almost here! You all know what to do.” Children giggled and ran. Older adults picked their hiding spots and shushed the younger ones. Sarah settled in beside Paul, nudging her face next to his. He spread the slats of the living room mini-blinds apart so they could both see. They watched as the frail old man dug his cane into asphalt and pushed his tired body up the steep driveway. “How did you get his driver to drop him off by the street?” Posts: 3072 | Registered: Dec 2007
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posted
About the only nit I have is this sentence. Sarah settled in beside Paul, nudging her face next to his. He spread the slats of the living room mini-blinds apart so they could both see.
It's the settling in beside that I don't get. That sounds like she sat down which doesn't go in my mind with the rest. If it is on a sofa, I can't picture them both being able to put their faces to the blinds.
Otherwise, a nice low-key opening.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited August 09, 2009).]
posted
I get that they have set up a surprise party of Ted's descendants--perhaps 4 or 5 generations if he's a frail 100 year-old. A touching start to a story, particularly a mainstream short story or a memoir.
The speculative genre normal to Hatrack has me looking for some paranormal or darker element. Are they trying to kill the old guy by making him walk up the driveway? Word choices like frail, crooked, pushed, tired and steep build the image that the trek is a strain on him and potentially dangerous. The last sentence shows that they did it intentionally. Is he perhaps ageless or already undead?
The settling and nudging sentence implies an intimacy that could happen between cousins, but may be stronger than meant. Settled is a stronger verb than stood and 'nudging her face' is much stronger than dropping the phrase and letting the next sentence show that they both watch out the window. Unless intimacy between them is intended, I suggest the less strong alternative.
posted
The verb "settling" is all I see wrong. It sort of implies the sitting and sofa. If you use a verb that doesn't do that, I'm fine with the nudging. I rather like it. And two good friends, cousins -- I can see the nudging.
Posts: 1580 | Registered: Dec 2005
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I'd like an indication that the people are inside the house right up front. It took me a few sentences to figure that out.
The settling/nudging/face together thing confused me with the ages of the two, especially with the last piece of dialogue. If Paul Rold is a child, I can see the face nudging with Sarah, a close cousin . If Paul Rold is an adult, then Sarah is acting out of character for an adult, or they have a very, very close relationship.
I wouldn't think a child or even a young adolescent would focus on the fact the driver let him walk in from the street.
Other than that, the surprise party is a definite hook to get me to read on.
posted
It took me a moment to figure out what I felt was off about this opening. I thought your verb choice was good (except for the settled), but this is sorta what I'm seeing:
quote: Paul did this. He did that.
Sara did this. A little bit of dialogue.
Children did something. Adults did something. Sarah did something. He did something. They did something. Some dialogue.
Maybe it's just an artifact in your first 13 and it changes, but I'm reading a list of actions performed by your characters and not really getting any feel for the personality/voice of the piece. I think the reason I am noticing this is because you tried to show everything and not do any telling.
posted
I thought Snapper's intention WAS to show the closeness of Paul and Sara's relationship by that "nudging." I found it a rather clever device.
Posts: 1580 | Registered: Dec 2005
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