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Does it hook you?

Also, if anyone wants to give it a read, I'd be happy to swap stories for critique. (I'm nearly finished with a trim down that will bring it to about 7,500 words, maybe less.)

Thanks!

That's why we have the text box set up the way it is.

See

http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum6/HTML/000004.html

Precisely 845 squares in the grid, an initial typed space counts, double spaces after terminal punctuation only displays one space that counts, each punctuation mark counts, each glyph counts; for those in the know, a character entity takes up more space in the input box but only one square in the grid, (example, é will display as an accute accented lower case E, é as in cliché), otherwise each keystroke takes up one square of the grid. End of line hard returns don't count, but they will truncate a row or consume an empty row from a second hard return.

Here's the HTML source code that defines the forum's reply input text box.

<TEXTAREA NAME="ReplyMessage" ROWS=13 COLS=65 WRAP="VIRTUAL"></TEXTAREA>

There's something about ... using "had <verb>" as a marker at the beginning and end of a flashback paragraph, then you can stay in simple past tense during the flashback.

Your flashback seems to use a present tense (again, I apologize to all the English teachers out there who are cringing at my mangling of the terms for this...I have an intuitive understanding of grammar and poor ability to discuss it. LOL) I think this more than anything was what I had trouble with.

...trying it out...
"way they looked before she was taken. It had been a gold-dusted evening, we walked over endless plains...it was the first time I finally saw R16 as beautiful...She made it beautiful...Her laughing presence made this godforsaken outpost a little slice of heaven (random aside: This is one case where I think you'd benefit from using the complete cliche'd phrase, rather than "like heaven" - because the previous phrase is so lengthy I think you need a longer comparison clause or it seems unbalanced. Just an opinion!)

I saw her turn around to look at me, sun glowing. She reached, her slender palm open. I wrapped my own fingers...

Her hands are in her lap now, pulled far away from me to discourage contact (no need for "enough" in this line - the first person narrator is making a judgment about the motivations of Nora, but the judgment is his to make, you don't have to qualify it with "enough.")

Another suggestion is to set off the flashback with at least a paragraph break when you're coming back to present. I don't know if this is a standard way to do it or not, but it might simplify readability.

I guess I wanted to begin with a moment of seeing the MC and Nora happy together because they pretty much get more and more unhappy as the story progresses, and it's very important to establish how much the MC loves her, otherwise he comes across looking like a complete jerk as it goes along.

I glance down at Nora's hands, so shriveled and thin looking. The years since her abduction have been hard on her. I can remember a time when her hands were soft and ivory white, her skin so smooth as it touched my face. Looking at her hands now is like being sliced with a knife from tip to toe. I reach for her, acting only on instinct. My heart skidded to a stop when she cringed away from me, curling into a tighter ball in the back of the cargo transport, making her frail, thin frame as small as possible.

This was the woman who had made it all possible for me, made me see light again, made me see the beauty of this dusty dead-end outpost. And here she was, shriveled up like a used rag, her beauty and grace evaporated. But I still saw it, the way her skin curved around her ear, the gentle turn of her nose. I couldn't help loving her, I never could.

...

I don't know at all, but just wanted to play with the ideas to see if there was a way to convey some of the sadness, the grief, the distance between them, while still also showing that it is there because there used to be a closeness. I have no idea if the direction i took with the story is at all where you're going, but there you have it.

quote:

---

I glance down at Nora’s hands[,<--IMHO - cut.] and remember the way they looked before she was [taken.<--Here's the hook, but you fade away into poetry. It's not bad poetry, but it's unclear. I want to know more about the "taken" part. By whom? Why? What happened?-->Memories return like sweet aftertaste, visions of that gold-dusted evening in spring when we walked over endless plains of redrock.<--I do not get it is the planet R-16 from this] It was the first moment[, after<--IMHO: in] six years[, that<--IMHO - cut.] I found R-16 beautiful. She made it beautiful. Her vibrant, laughing presence made this godforsaken outpost [of a<--IMHO - consider cutting this.] planet like heaven.
[I can see her turning around to<--cut. In first person, who else would be seeing it? Replace the opening with something stronger, like:] She looked at me, sun glowing on her [soft<--IMHO - Cut.] auburn curls. She reached for me [then<--IMHO - Cut]. Her slender palm opened—[shy and demanding at once<--What makes (him?) get this impression?]. I wrapped my [own<--Cut.] fingers around it, pressed my lips to [the<-->her] soft, ivory flesh.
Her hands are in her lap now, [pulled far enough away from me<--cut.] to discourage any contact. She fidgets and entwines her fingers

---

I hope this helps. I can't take on anything new, but if you want, I'll let you know when I can.

I've never had a problem with flashbacks, though I think I am in the minority there. I don't, however, really like present tense, especially as an opening. It sticks out so much, and I don't think it really adds anything to the story; is 'I glance down at Norah's hands' any better than 'I glanced down at Norah's hands'? Plus, as KayTi said, you're gonna have to do a lot of 'had' juggling to get these tenses right.

Here are my line-nits (I think a lot of them have been picked up already):

I glance down at Nora’s hands, and remember the way they looked before she was taken [already said my thoughts on present tense]. Memories return like sweet aftertaste, visions of that gold-dusted [I find a 'gold-dusted evening' hard to imagine, especially in conjunction with 'redrock'. Is the sun glinting off sand or something?] evening in spring when we walked over endless plains of redrock. It was the first moment [suggest 'time'], after six years ['of living (t)here', or some such. I didn't know what R-16 was, for a while. Almost sounded like the 'she' was R-16], that I [had] found R-16 beautiful. She made it beautiful. Her vibrant, laughing presence [can a presence laugh?] made this godforsaken outpost of a planet [suggest deleting, or combining to 'outpost planet'] like heaven.
I can see her turning around to look at me [tenses are getting confusing. It sounds like she is watching this flashback like a movie...], sun glowing on her soft auburn curls. She reached for me then [... in which case, this should be 'she reaches for me', etc]. Her slender palm open—shy and demanding at once. I wrapped my own fingers around it, pressed my lips to the soft, ivory flesh [the action confuses me. Wrapping fingers round the palm, then kissing it? Aren't the fingers in the way?].
Her hands are in her lap now, pulled far enough away from me to discourage any contact. She fidgets and entwines her fingers

I think your prose is quite pretty in places (I like aftertaste memories, for example), but the way you've done this flashback is quite difficult to follow, just because of the grammar involved. I think I would be run out of town if I suggested simply reworking your flashback, so maybe you could find a way to work these memories into the present moment. After all, I have no idea what's going on in your story yet, other than that your main character is looking at some hands.

Hope this helped,
Daniel.

[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited October 16, 2009).]