posted
Hi all, Looking for critique on the first thirteen, and anyone interested in reading the whole thing. For those that are, I'll happily exchange critiques (maybe two short stories for the whole novelette?)
How do the new first two sentences sound? I'm worried they're a bit clunky.
(Newer version) Respectable businesswomen generally didn't climb trees, but Kait couldn't think of a better way to sneak into the Mage-Kings private gardens. And since she intended to steal back the moon, she did it far from any street lamps, with only stars to light her way. She spat a leaf out of her mouth and reached for the next branch, her shoes slipping on smooth bark. Anti-shielding spells clinked together on a cheap bracelet, and lock picks she didn't really know how to use dangled half out of her pocket. She was no thief trained to slip through shadows, only a foolish woman willing to throw away her freedom for the sake of a power she had no right to touch. But as soon as she'd joined the crowds to witness the moon's silent beauty displayed behind
*** (OLder version): In order to steal back the moon, Kait first had to climb a tree over the wall into the mage-king's private garden. With only stars to light her way, she spat a leaf out of her mouth and reached for the next branch, her shoes slipping on smooth bark. Anti-shielding spells clinked together on a cheap bracelet, and lock picks she didn't really know how to use dangled half out of her pocket. Her limbs ached; respectable businesswoman generally didn't climb trees. She was no thief trained to slip through shadows, only a foolish woman willing to throw away her freedom for the sake of a power she had no right to touch. But as soon as she'd joined the crowds to witness the moon's silent beauty displayed behind gilded bars, she had for the first time in her life resolved to *
[This message has been edited by BoredCrow (edited October 09, 2009).]
posted
Genevieve - she doesn't push the lock picks back into her pocket because she's afraid of falling out of the tree. I can clarify that, if people think it's necessary. More i had the image of keys dangling out of a pocket. You know they're not going to fall, so you don't push them back in.
I really appreciate all the advice; I'll make those changes. And alliedfive - would you be more available to crit in a week or so? That way, I could get you a later version with fewer typos.
[This message has been edited by BoredCrow (edited October 02, 2009).]
What about starting it at "Respectable businesswomen generally don't climb trees..."
It's a provocative statement, and appears to be pointing to the crux of what she's up to. Then describe the intent to gain illicit entry onto the mage's property and most importantly why she is doing it and you'll have dropped the reader firmly into the story coincident with her getting over the wall.
posted
BoredCrow, I'll give it a read. I've got a long 'un coming up and would appreciate some eyes on it.
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posted
Did you mean "Respectable businesswomen generally don't climb trees" or "A respectable businesswoman generally doesn't climb trees" (plural or singular)?
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posted
I like the revised version. It has a good hook and it's written in such a way that I can really visualize the woman climbing the tree.
I'm a little confused, though, over one thing. She's trying to "steal back" the moon, which implies she already had it at some point in time. Then she thinks about throwing away her freedom for "a power she had no right to touch," which implies the opposite.
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Jennifer: Yeah, I'd worried about that too. I suppose I meant that she was stealing the moon to put it back in the sky; stealing it back from the king who had stolen it first. But I also see how that could be confusing.
Nick: Yeah, I did see it. The earlier reviewers inspired several large revisions; I just wanted to finish those before I send it out again. Sorry for the delay! (I'll try to get those done tonight)
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I can clarify that, if people think it's necessary. More i had the image of keys dangling out of a pocket. You know they're not going to fall, so you don't push them back in.
