posted
Okay, so here is yet another revise intro to this story, the fifth. This time I also made some major plot changes. Any takers? comments? This one just has to work!
quote:TX928-K Counters Shown to Have Flaw In Algorithym New Nano chips to be manufactured and ready for transplantation before new Fiscal Quarter. Field Operators, please begin making appointments fortranplants in your district… Parker read from the holo-optic display before him. Below his sterile cafeteria booth, the wizzing of a sani-bot distracted him from the memo which had, no doubt, already been read by all his peers this morning. “Showing off your new toy, hero?” The voice approaching from behind him indicated that the bantering was about to begin. Detecting a broach in his monitor’s security the holo-optic display disappeared. “You didn’t have to turn it off. I was coming to admire your
Investigative auditor, Klauss Skolnick waited anxiously. Yet even in his angst, he made use of his time wisely. Not even the pestering buzz of the sani-bot scurrying below his sterile café booth distracted him the holo-optic display before him. The informant was late so he was finalizing his pending reports. He had to be prepared to take immediate action. This could be his big break. It could be the very case which secured him to succeed the Director, whom he suspected to be planning an early retirement in the autumn. I deserve that job. There was no question of his commitment and dedication. The computer on which he worked had cost him half of his yearly salary, but it enabled him to perform his work anywhere. Biometric implants allowed his
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited February 25, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 25, 2010).]
posted
This centres entirely on someone who is waiting for something. He's anxious, freful, yet busy with mundane tasks. You don't tell us anything more about the informant, you spend all your time telling us about Klauss and his rather peevish-seeming desire for the Director's job.
I have no idea which, if any, of these things is actually the story, but for me, the sory starts when something happens, not while someone is waiting for something to happen.
posted
I agree. I'd be more interested in seeing him interact with the client. The hope of a big break is also a potential hook; you could possibly work it into his thoughts if you choose to go the conversation route.
Posts: 554 | Registered: Jun 2007
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Big suggestion. Cut that adverb. It is telling. I know telling can't be always avoided but you need to show if you want your opening sentence to hook. Show him anxiously waiting.
quote:Investigative auditor, Klauss Skolnick, picked up his menu and read it for a fifth time. He set it down, straightening it--placing it neatly so its corners set squarely inside the geometric pattern of the table cloth--and peered over his shoulder again at the entrance.
quote:Yet even in his angst, he made use of his time wisely.
Cut this line.
quote: Not even the pestering buzz of the sani-bot scurrying below his sterile café booth distracted him the holo-optic display before him.
I believe you wanted it to read distracted him from the
quote: The informant was late so he was finalizing his pending reports.
This sentence bugs me. One too many 'was's and I get the feeling the action should come first. Maybe...
quote: He went back to finalizing his pending reports. The informant would arrive soon or later.
quote:He had to be prepared to take immediate action. This could be his big break.
Flip these two sentences.
quote:It could be the very case which secured him to succeed the Director, whom he suspected to be planning an early retirement in the autumn.
Not sure about the second half of this sentence.
quote:I deserve that job.
Issolate this sentence in its own paragraph.
A boring guy waiting for a boring meeting so he can guarantee himself a boring postion at a boring job lacks excitement for me oddly enough.
You can make this more compelling. At least make his excitement and anxiousness real for us.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited October 06, 2009).]
posted
I'm having some problems with the flow of your writing. There are so many modifiers, and it feels clunky as i try to read along. I'm enclosing what should be removed in [brackets]
quote:[Investigative] auditor[,] Klauss Skolnick waited anxiously. Yet even in his angst, he made use of his time [wisely]. Not even the [pestering] buzz of the sani-bot scurrying below his [sterile] café booth distracted him from the holo[-optic] display before him. The informant was late, so he was finalizing his [pending] reports. He had to be prepared to take [immediate] action. This could be his big break. It could be the [very] case which secured him to succeed the Director, whom he suspected to be planning an early retirement[ in the autumn]. I deserve that job. There was no question of his commitment and dedication. The computer [on which he worked] had cost him half of his yearly salary, but it enabled him to perform his work anywhere. Biometric implants allowed his
[This message has been edited by NoTimeToThink (edited October 07, 2009).]
posted
My first thought is that an auditor, by nature is Investigative. I would leave that word out. You do a lot to set up that the person is nervous and it slows down the opening. Perhaps you could use the space to provide additional information about the coming conflict and the protagonist's character.
Posts: 12 | Registered: Apr 2008
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In the latest revision, there seems to be a lot of space dedicated to techno-jargon.
Personally, I'd keep the memo short (as most memos are) in order to keep the essential two parts (the flaw and the field operators having to make appointments for transplants). Those two elements will clue us into the speculative territory. I'd minimise the techological parts thereafter (do we need to know about the sani-bot, etc?)
Then I'd probably cut a bit from the line about the voice approaching from behind him right down to "The bantering was about to begin." We already know it's a holo-optic display, so I'd also cut down the line to "The display disappeared at the breach in his monitor's security" or something similar.
quote:TX928-K Counters Shown to Have Flaw In Algorithymperiod New Nano chips to be manufactured and ready for transplantation before new Fiscal Quarter. Field Operators, please begin making appointments forspacetranplants in your district… ***Parker read from the holo-optic display before him. Below his sterile cafeteria booth, the wizzing of a sani-bot distracted him from the memo which had, no doubt, already been read by all his peers this morning.*** See note below*** “Showing off your new toy, hero?” The voice approaching from behind him indicated that the bantering "Teasing" perhaps?was about to begin. Detecting a broach breachin his monitor’s security the holo-optic display disappeared. “You didn’t have to turn it off. I was coming to admire your
***Note***I might suggest rewording this sentence. Something along the lines of: Parker read the memo from the holo-opti display before him. Certainly, the entire office had already read it this morning. "Showing off your new toy, hero?" The teasing had just began...
just a thought. It was intruiging, but a little clumsy. I will give it a read for you. You know where to send it.
posted
about eightk i will send it. Ireally could use some eyes on it so take your time. Thanks Nick. Send me something if you have something you need looked at.
Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
You can send it to me too if you don't mind waiting a while. I have a bit of a backlog but Ii'm planning to focus on crits for a little bit here.
Posts: 2626 | Registered: Apr 2008
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If the hero is waiting for an informat, and he's obviously late, shouldn't he be worrying about why the other guy hasn't shown up yet? Maybe he's been found out and murdered, and maybe the auditor will be in some sort of jeapardy as well. Nope, not this guy. He's so efficient, that instead of being stressed, he's tidying up other non-related reports? Seems inconsistent.
The use of technology terms, cluters up the anxiousness of the moment. There are three themes, (1) his job and waiting for the informant, (2) his motivation for the Director's job, and (3) his background and committment to his career field.
The buy-in to the reader has to be the anxious moment waiting for something to happen, not the other everyday items. The other details can be in subsequent paragraphs to provide background for the hero, but not in the opening scene, they're ruining the suspense of waiting.
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