posted
The trick was to game the shop-bots. The little toaster-sized robots on wheels rolled around the perimeter of the Lunar Colony shops, their red laser eyes glinting as they scanned in a vertical band. Jess had talked her through it a hundred times, but still Marci found her palms sweaty and aggravating as she pretended to be interested in the random collection of clothes and accessories at a popular shop.
“You have to talk to the staff, the shop-bots are programmed to work the perimeter, so you have to go into the middle of the shop and chat up an employee. The bots don’t seem to pay attention, guess they figure the humans will be watching.” Jess’s words stuck with Marci as she fingered the nubby sweaters in greens, blacks, purples hung in neat rows about midway down the center aisle of the shop.
Posts: 1911 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
Cute. But your term “game” the shop-bots I failed to follow on the first read-through. At the end I guessed you meant these two girls were planning to shoplift – am I right? I think you should make that more clear.
Is there some reason to set this on the Moon rather than Earth?
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The trick was to game the shop-bots. The little toaster-sized robots on wheels rolled around the perimeter of the Lunar Colony shops, their red laser eyes glinting as they scanned in a vertical band. Jess had talked her through it a hundred times, but still Marci found her palms sweaty and aggravating as she pretended to be interested in the random collection of clothes and accessories at a popular shop. [[This seems to violate POV as the character will no doubt know the name of the shop he/she is in[[
“You have to talk to the staff, the shop-bots are programmed to work the perimeter, so you have to go into the middle of the shop and chat up an employee. The bots don’t seem to pay attention, guess they figure the humans will be watching.” Jess’s words stuck with Marci as she fingered the nubby sweaters in greens, blacks, purples hung[Something tells me hanging clothes on hangers will become obsolete in the low gravity of the moon]] in neat rows about midway down the center aisle of the shop.
I think this can work effectively as a hook, but I never really picked up what the game is exactly. Shoplifting? My suggestion is to trim out some of the action of her browsing through clothing, as much of this is repetitive anyway. Especially taking the room to describe the color of the sweaters.
posted
I agree that "game the shop bots" is awkward. Why not just say, 'trick' or 'dodge'?
Also, "The bots don’t seem to pay attention, guess they figure the humans will be watching", sounds like the shop bots figure the humans will be watching. It doesn't seem like the shop bots should be that sentient, so who are 'they'?
Those nits aside, it sounds interesting and I'd be happy to give it a read.
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I got that 'Game' meant trick, you say it right there! The TRICK was to GAME... And I actually like it. You could replace it with a synonym, but otherwise I liked it. I get the sense of some teenager on a colony on the moon doing just what they do here.
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The wording "game the shop bots" I'm pretty married to, as it's part of the character's voice (it's how she thinks of it) and into the YA slang, but I appreciate the comments and am thinking about that overall first para and ways to make things clear.
Arikki - you asked why it's set on the moon instead of earth. Mainly because that's where these characters live. (teasing!) Is there something more specific you were driving at there? A big part of what I like to do with sci-fi is to take ordinary situations and put them on the moon, in space, in the future, and see how things play out in that environment (in my opinion, many of them play out in a very similar way...but that's a whole other discussion.)
I made some of the suggestions you had, Bent, although I don't think the version I sent reflected that (you don't have to mark them again.)
Genevieve, you pointed out a trouble spot I will work on (the whole bots paying attention thing.)
I sent this off to ben/bent/boredcrow/genevieve. I really appreciate everyone's input, thanks!!
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Well...if you're going to set it on the Moon, you should have a reason beyond just that it's neat. How would this play out differently BECAUSE it's on the Moon?
Because of some gravitational effect? Because of the dangers of vacuum outside?
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited October 23, 2009).]
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KayTi I'd stick with game the shop bots, too. It's gamer lingo and I think it works. You've got some pasive voice in the first couple of lines but it's cute and and a good start. (Marci found her palms...)
I'll read too, it you are still looking for readers. leslie
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I like it so far. This early in the story, I'm not too concerned about why you chose to put it on the moon, any more than I'd care whether it was in Cleveland, Namibia, or my bathtub. Eventually, though, the special setting does need to have some impact. Will the girl's actions get her family deported back to earth? Or will her punishment be some task outside the habitat? Or maybe what she is stealing is moon-centric (the artifact that let's her communicate with the cheese men, or some such)? If I was a YA, I would probably read on (at least if I was a girl - oops! ignore sexist/agist comment ).
[This message has been edited by NoTimeToThink (edited October 25, 2009).]
posted
Thanks, everyone. I'm working on a revision based on the crits I've already received and my own thoughts on some changes needed. Notimetothink - you gave me some GREAT ideas, thanks so much!
I'll holler if I need another crit round after this. Thanks again!
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(teasing!) Is there something more specific you were driving at there? A big part of what I like to do with sci-fi is to take ordinary situations and put them on the moon, in space, in the future, and see how things play out in that environment (in my opinion, many of them play out in a very similar way...but that's a whole other discussion.)
