Take my advice for what it's worth. Perhaps try to have more back and forth, action/reaction. That is, first write about what is externally happening around Rev, and then write how he responds to it. The things I try to keep in mind when doing a rewrite are:
quote:
Automatic response. Shivers. Adrenaline rush.
Teary eyed. Gasp. Jerk reaction. Cuss. Shaking. Throw arms up. Flinch. Heart pounding. Willful bodily response. A physical response in reaction to an outside source. Pulling away. Jumping. Slapping.
Speech. Character says something in response to the outside source.
Thoughts. Thoughts or introspection in direct response to the outside source.
Counter Actions:
Body. Does she do something else as a counter action? An example would be, she punched the person in the nose. Now she is taking control of the situation, rather than things just being done to her.
Speech. Does she say something to take control of the situation?
Thought. Do her thoughts shift to taking control of the situation?
With that in mind, I think the information you present in version 2, can be broken up into at least two paragraphs. BTW, version 2 is much better than version 1.
I learn best by example, and it will be easier for me to just rewrite part of it to show what I mean. The story parts will be in red.
[colR]After the Ventura left planet One to research planet Two, the AI system turned cyborg Rev on.[/col]
That is the external. Notice too how more specific it is. State where the ship left from and is going to. I put planet One and Two has place holders. State what turned Rev on. Because I didn't know what turned him on, I went with AI system. I don't think there is a need to state that it is a research ship. We will figure that out as we keep reading. It keeps me wondering why the ship is going to planet Two.
Now you should write Rev's reaction to the external stimuli, which is being turned on.
[colR]Rev felt his circuits stall for exactly one billionth of a second, as he tilted his head in jerky movements. Within seconds he was moving smoothly again. He looked around.[/col]
Now, go back to the external. Notice I mentioned that seven years have passed without saying it.
[colR]Holographic displays and glowing buttons filled the walls of the medium sized room. Lined up against one wall, five humans were sleeping inside of pods that had clear covers. Each was dressed in tight suits.[/col]
I took the opportunity to set the scene a bit, so I can imagine where the characters are in relation to each other and the environment. I purposely only called them pods, so that way I can reveal them to be stasis pods in the next paragraph without ever saying so. Now Rev's reactions.
[colR]Rev knew he must now wake them so they can begin their dangerous transition out of stasis. Curiously, he walked over to the pod on the far left and peered through the acrylic screen at Maura's expressionless face, a face of one sleeping and of one unawares. He studied her as he stroked the pod's cover. What was she thinking? Probably nothing. She was probably locked into an induced dream.
Induced dreams were needed to keep their minds occupied for the last seven years. And after keeping a careful watch on them for so long, Rev was eager to meet her and to meet all of them, to hear their voices, watch their actions, and to listen to their conversations. Because he could learn how to be human from them.[/col]
I wanted to present all the information in story format, and to transition between ideas clearly.
[colR]Then an indicator light on Maura's pod flashed.[/col]
Rather than say it caught his attention, just say what the light did. In the next paragraph write his reactions. Does he have an automatic response? Does he have a willful body response? Does he have a verbal response? Does he have a thought response? I will see if I can do each one of those in that order.
[colR]He moved back exactly an inch and tilted his head. "Maura, you're going to be okay." But he wondered if she would be.[/col]
Here it is all together.
[colR]After the Ventura left planet One to research planet Two, the AI system turned cyborg Rev on.
Rev felt his circuits stall for exactly one billionth of a second, as he tilted his head in jerky movements. Within seconds he was moving smoothly again. He looked around.
Holographic displays and glowing buttons filled the walls of the medium sized room. Lined up against one wall, five humans were sleeping inside of pods that had clear covers. Each was dressed in tight suits.
Rev knew he must now wake them so they can begin their dangerous transition out of stasis. Curiously, he walked over to the pod on the far left and peered through the acrylic screen at Maura's expressionless face, a face of one sleeping and of one unawares. He studied her as he stroked the pod's cover. What was she thinking? Probably nothing. She was probably locked into an induced dream.
Induced dreams were needed to keep their minds occupied for the last seven years. And after keeping a careful watch on them for so long, Rev was eager to meet her and to meet all of them, to hear their voices, watch their actions, and to listen to their conversations. Because he could learn how to be human from them.
Then an indicator light on Maura's pod flashed.
He moved back exactly an inch and tilted his head. "Maura, you're going to be okay." But he wondered if she would be.
Now, I could beef up a few of these paragraphs, like paragraph three. Perhaps add a bit more details about the room. Like how many doorways or hatches. I could combine the last two paragraphs.
When an indicator light on Maura's pod flashed, Rev moved back exactly an inch and tilted his head. "Maura, you're going to be okay." But he wondered if she would be.[/col]
Anyway, these are some of the things I think about during my second revision. Then I do a pass for suspense and emotions. I do a pass for motivation, goals, and consequences. Then I do a pass for using the senses: smell, taste, touch. Only after I do all this do I worry about sentence structure.
If this has helped at all, feel free to comment on my first 13 in the short stories section.