Disease.
You could tell it was an alien word. It had that shrill hiss at its end.
Rumor whispered that cold slowed the spread of Disease. Exactly how it spread was unknown. That Disease killed, was a fact.
It had come inside the Ennismahi deme's fanatically guarded borders. Now it had struck in the most remote of Military's bases.
"Have we seen enough?" one of the healers asked.
Had they?
Rocise looked down. Her friend, Deit, Rescue Team Three's kommes expert, lay shivering and naked on the makeshift table. White skin, white hair -- eyes white with fear. On Deit's

another try -- is this better?

Disease. You could tell from that shrill hiss at its end. It was an alien word.
Rumor whispered that cold slowed the spread of Disease. Exactly how it spread was unknown. That Disease killed, was a fact.
"Have we seen enough?" one of the healers asked.
Had they?
Rocise looked down. Her friend, Deit, Rescue Team Three's kommes expert, lay shivering and naked on the makeshift table. White skin, white hair -- eyes white with fear. On Deit's left arm, raw strips bled where the healers had scraped off skin samples looking for worms. The lead healer stopped short of tasting Deit's saliva to check the health of her internal organs. “I think," he told his team, "we can rule out organ

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited November 11, 2009).]

Attempt #3

Disease. It was an alien word. An alien concept. A terrifying and alien way to die.

Disease. Rumor whispered that cold slowed its spread. How it spread, was unknown. That it killed was a fact. It had come inside the Ennismahi deme's fanatically guarded borders. Now it had struck in the most remote of Military's bases.

"Have we seen enough?" one of the healers asked.

Had they?

Rocise looked down. Her friend, Deit, Rescue Team Three's kommes expert, lay shivering and naked on the makeshift table. White skin, white hair -- eyes white with fear. On Deit's left arm, raw strips bled where the healers had scraped off skin samples looking for worms. The lead healer stopped short of

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited November 13, 2009).]

The opening lines draw me right in. With these short 13 lines we can clearly see the speculative element, conflict, and motives.

V1 uses the 'less is more' approach. You said just enough for me to want more but not too much to bog down the prose.

Okay gotta be honest of two things

1) When I got it, I _really_ liked it!

2) It took me about 5 reads to get it.

I don't have any decent suggestions on how to improve but as it stands it took me awhile before I really got the concept. It could be that I'm slow.

Right now you are using thought to describe the scene, maybe dialogue would make it easier to lay out that the concept of disease was a foreign element? What about a more specific term like Virus?

What confused you so that it took five reads to understand?

This could help a lot. I want this opening to be clear. I'm dropping the reader into the middle of an alien culture and alien problem with no outside explanations.

#4
Disease.
It was an alien word. An alien concept. A terrifying and alien way to die.
Disease.
Rumor whispered that cold slowed its spread. How it spread, was unknown. That it killed was a fact. It had come inside the Ennismahi deme's fanatically guarded borders. Now it had struck in the most remote of Military's bases.

Or, #5 – right now I’m leaning toward #5. The word appears three times. I’m trying to hammer in the idea that these people are more than uneasy about the concept.

Disease. It was an alien word. An alien concept. A terrifying and alien way to die.

Rumor whispered that cold slowed the spread of Disease. How it spread, was unknown. That it killed was a fact. It had come inside the Ennismahi deme's fanatically guarded borders. Now Disease had struck in the most remote of Military's bases.

Most of my confusion came because I saw words that weren't there. Here's what I'm talking about:

quote:

---

Disease. It was an alien word An alien world called disease?. An alien concept. A terrifying and alien way to die.

Disease. Rumor Who's this Rumor Person? whispered To me? that cold slowed its spread. How it spread, was unknown. That it killed was a fact. It had come inside the Ennismahi deme's fanatically guarded borders. Now it had struck in the most remote of Military's bases.

---

I'm so used to hearing the phrase "It was an alien world" that it took me 2 passes before I noticed that it actually read "It was an alien word". And unfortunately that one word is probably one of the most critical in the first 13.

Rumor whispered was a second thing that threw me off... because in SF&F it's perfectly reasonable to have a character named "Rumor".

Again, both of these things could easily be me not paying enough attention.

I think the best parts in this 13 are the first and last paragraph. These two:

quote:

---

Disease. It was an alien word. An alien concept. A terrifying and alien way to die.

Rocise looked down. Her friend, Deit, Rescue Team Three's kommes expert, lay shivering and naked on the makeshift table. White skin, white hair -- eyes white with fear. On Deit's left arm, raw strips bled where the healers had scraped off skin samples looking for worms. The lead healer stopped short of tasting Deit's saliva to check the health of her internal organs.

---

"Ennismahi deme, the Military, Rocise, Deit, kommes (coms?)... just a little too much in the first 13. Each new word/concept takes time to parse/process, and as we aren't rooted in a scene either, I found it a little too disorienting."

I agree that the new word/new concept is a bit much to assimilate in such short space. But I don't think it's overwhelming. Just spread them out and it should be fine. I don't agree that you haven't rooted the reader in the scene. As I mentioned above, I was very rooted. We don't have much info about this species, but we are vividly informed about their encounter with disease.

"IMO you are over emphathizing Disease. The first instance and opening word usage is effective italisized. After that it becomes distractive. May I suggest it you make it more of a thing. Try the disease after the opening word."

IMO, you're on target with your use of the word disease. Don't reduce the number of uses and don't change it from an idea to a thing. Not in the opening paragraphs, that is. When you're talking about the species relating to disease, emphasize the idea aspect. When you get specific, with a medical exam and 2 named members of the species, then switch to talking about disease as a thing.

I'd be glad to try the rest of the story. At 16,000 words, though, I can't promise anything.

I have continued to underline (for italics) the word disease through the entire story because it is a foreign word to the pov and her people. I suspect someone asked a human - what is this -- the human said something like - it looks like some sort of disease to me. And "disease" stuck. Not "a" disease, just "disease." It is not the flu or measles. It's nothing from Earth at all. An alien disease, too. There's an entire trilogy concerning this. But I haven't been able to sell it.

I am still dithering over those first few lines. Version 3? 5?
It's so important to get that reading smoothly.

I fixed the problem of people thinking "Rumor whispered" was a person - I hope. It's now - All the rumors whispered...

quote:

---

I fixed the problem of people thinking "Rumor whispered" was a person - I hope. It's now - All the rumors whispered...

---

But what if you made this part one sentence.

Disease. "It was an alien word. An alien concept. A terrifying and alien way to die."

It was an alien word, and alien concept, and a terrifying, alien way to die.